Questions for my Mother

To my mother,

I remember the night I found out you were sick. The first time. Annie and I were up late on a school night talking, hours after you sent us to bed. This was when you worked at 4am so we normally got away with staying up late. Except this time, we could hear you in your room.

It sounded like you were crying. Not that we ever really saw you cry beyond sad movies…

We stared at each other for what felt like forever. Are we going to get in trouble if she finds out we’re awake? It was Annie who decided we had to see what was going on. We took a deep breath… then she knocked. Before you could answer, we came in.

You were crying. Did somebody die? … Is somebody going to die?

Annie, Diana, and I were your babies. I was thirteen with Annie next at twelve and Diana was eleven. We have older siblings, but the next in line is eleven years my senior. Everyone was basically out of the home except us four. Annie and I were always up at night wandering the house telling each other stories and playing on the family computer. Diana gave the least trouble and was undoubtedly your favorite. We knew, and it’s okay; Diana is probably all our favorite.

You were sitting alone on your bed covered by papers. I had no idea what any of them meant except the one you held in your hand. It was in your handwriting with lots of stuff crossed out and written over. But across the top it said, “My Will”.

“Why are you writing a will?” the words escaped my mouth before I could even comprehend what I was asking.

“Girls, why don’t you sit down?”

The next part of the conversation is a blur. We knew you had some health issues because you were a diabetic, but people live with diabetes. What we didn’t know was that your doctor suggested a biopsy of your stomach. So, you told us as much as you thought we could understand. You were sick, you were scared, the odds were not in your favor, but you were going to try. The smaller details have faded with time, but the feeling has not. I left your room that night with one thought echoing in my mind. My mom is going to die.

We couldn’t tell Diana. Which sucked because we told each other everything. You didn’t even want me and Annie to know anything yet. I had no idea how to sort out my feelings. I was already a teenager and of course I understood that everyone eventually dies, but… so soon? You did the best you could, sometimes I forget that you lost your parents early too. I still have my dad, even if the situation is complicated. But you lost your dad when you were 14 after losing your mom when you were four. I know the thought of dying must have been scary.

I know we were relieved to receive negative test results. Which was the same scenario we had over and over in the years to come. I know that is why you didn’t want to tell us anything yet. But I lost you ten years after that conversation. You spent that time with your doctors testing out different theories about your health. It took us years for answers that still didn’t allow us the time to save you. I am not sure where your journey began but that night is what made me realize you weren’t invincible. I was finally faced with the fact that I was going to lose you one day.

We had a complicated relationship. That’s using a nice word. I used to think we didn’t understand each other. I was a teenager after all. But you left us.

There was so much that wasn’t explained to us. Our father lived in another state, but you were still married. He visited as often as he could and when he was here, we were a family. When he wasn’t here… neither were you. It didn’t happen all at once.

It started with you spending less of your free time with us. Which made sense. Once we all became teenagers, we only wanted to hang out with our friends anyway. You would go to work, come home, get changed then go out with friends. Eventually you would make your way home, but by that time, my sisters and I were getting high with our friends in our bedroom. And you didn’t care.

In the morning, you would get up and go to work well before we had to get up for school, so you didn’t notice when we didn’t go. We would leave before you got home from work then walk back in at the normal time. You were too busy making plans to catch on. After a while, we stopped even doing that and just came home whenever. Sometimes we didn’t come home, and you didn’t call. I’m pretty sure you didn’t come home either.

Annie found her way out. She got lost in sports at school and made friends that got her out of the house. Diana and I lingered. We figured one day you’d start coming home again. When you finally would call, we would say the most outrageous things for a response.

“Some guy in a white van offered us candy to help him find his puppy. We couldn’t find the puppy, so he invited us to his house to see if it came back. Now we’re just hanging out in his basement while he grabs us something to drink”.

You hated my sarcasm.

Eventually, we were served with an eviction notice. I remember because I was the one that opened the door. Our father sent you money every time he got paid. He was furious, but you were never there anyway so it didn’t bother you. We were still in high school but all three of us were separated to live with different friends. You told us to lie to our father and say you were with one of us. I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. You were seeing someone else but still wanted him to finance you while you neglected us.

You told me I didn’t understand adult business.

Annie and Diana each stayed with different people. I went to live with my friend from school, Maggie, and her grandparents. Two of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Maggie was coming to hang out with me when I was handed the notice. That’s why I opened the door. I thought it was her knocking. Her grandmother was dropping her off. Maggie went back home that night and asked them to take me in. I don’t know where I would be if it wasn’t for them. Even before moving in, I was constantly at their house. It was one of the only ways I ate.

I got a job shortly before I moved in. I remember sitting at the table discussing rules. Immediately, I promised I wouldn’t be a burden or a bother. I can pay them. I can buy my own food. I can take the bus to work. I was extremely grateful they even considered this. I remember I cried when the only thing they asked of me was to stay in school.

Nanna and Poppa were warm and stable. Something I wasn’t used to. Poppa woke me up in the morning with breakfast and company while I waited for the bus. Nanna asked me about my day every single time she got home. On the weekends she took Maggie and I shopping. It took me months before I picked out something for myself. She would always insist on buying me anything, but it was hard to accept something for nothing.

I felt guilty for how good they treated me because my sisters weren’t with me.

I remember one night I was watching tv in the living room. Nanna came home from a CVS trip. She walked over to me to make sure she bought the right kind of pads I used. Normally Maggie used tampons so I had been buying my own pads. Nanna noticed and took over. She told me there were better things I could spend my money on as a young woman. That there were people here who wanted to take care of me. I couldn’t understand why.

It was such a small gesture that meant the world to me. I was a teenager who worked all summer to save up to buy my younger siblings and I school supplies. A few months prior to this moment, Diana and I would steal so we had hygiene products. Most of our meals came from going to friend’s houses or school. It felt like no one cared to realize what was going on. Our older siblings had their own lives. You made us lie to our father about what you were doing, and we had no idea if he was sending you money for us like he claimed. We were still children and you left us to fend for ourselves. Then, I get invited to this amazing family and it hurt to let them love me.

These people showed up. I lived with them for years. I went on vacation with them. They asked for my help preparing Thanksgiving dinner. They woke me up Christmas morning with gifts. They showed me the value in simply showing up. In trying.

All I could think was…. Why couldn’t you do those things?

You lost your way. It cost you time. Diana was the quickest to forgive. But that was your baby and of course she came back. I made you work for it. I was already over 18 by the time you got it together and got an apartment. Diana was eager to leave the friend she stayed with. Annie got into a relationship and lived her life. She showed up when called but didn’t do more than asked. You guys were lucky to see me at all.

I resented you. Sometimes I still do.

Nanna and Poppa were in no rush to get rid of me. I was able to stay with them until I got a boyfriend that I moved in with. He was the reason why I found my way back to you. I felt that I was finally in a position where I wouldn’t need anything from you. I had Nanna and Poppa who treated me like their own. I had my boyfriend for love. I could come back and not be so desperate for your validation that maybe I can just enjoy who you are. I was foolish thinking that at 18/19, I was adult enough to only want a friendship from someone I still craved guidance from.

I am still not completely sure why you left us. Or why it took years for you to want us to be a family again. During that time, we all kept in contact. Me not so much with you. My sisters were no longer my best friends as we all created our own social circles. You were in and out of the hospital and I didn’t let myself be bothered with the details. When I saw you, you were still laughing and dancing, so I couldn’t accept that there was anything wrong.

I know you tried. I ignored most of your invitations. I didn’t go see you after your surgeries. I didn’t like coming around to see you play house with my dad when you wanted something then see you leave Diana alone in the new apartment when he left.

What was so bad about your life that you needed a second one to escape to?

I was the only one that fought you. It seemed everyone accepted the version of you that you gave us, but I wanted you to be someone else. My sisters told me to stop being so stubborn. You weren’t getting any better. But every time I saw you, you had a drink in your hand.

Again, I did not need to depend on you anymore so why couldn’t I try for a friendship?

We started to spend more time together. I missed my family. Game nights became a thing again. We weren’t kids anymore and you felt free. We were able to drink together. Loud music playing while we talk over it all night. Everyone is here, it was amazing.

I’m an overthinker so I still had plenty bottled up, but I wanted a relationship with you. Everyone else had one. I wanted to remember laughing and have funny stories to tell. I wanted pictures and videos to look back on. But again, why did you leave us?

The next few years changed things. I had a baby girl. Your granddaughter who adored you. I remember you were so worried you wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with her because of me. But I always wanted your love so why would I deny my daughter it?

My relationship with her father was terrible. I know you pieced things together. You offered us help. We moved in with you to save money after the baby was born. Eventually I would move out again only to come back. Same as Diana. You knew I needed to leave him.

The last few years of your life, we really tried. I got to have some good moments. We still fought often, but we laughed too. You really helped me. I know you were sorry for not being there when I was younger, but you made up for it. I went back to school. I got a second job. You kept my daughter safe and happy while her father was absent. You even helped me figure out how to coparent with him after the breakup.

I remember one night I came home to a full house. You invited all your daughters over for dinner. Crystal, your first born, was jealous that I got a plate of food and a plate packed for work the next day. Everyone joked how you always went above and beyond for me.

You really did…

Sometimes I forget that you were their mom, too. They didn’t make you do nearly as much work to get back into their lives as I did. Honestly, I’m not sure why they made it so easy for you. But I spent years wondering why I didn’t get as much love from you to realize I was the one that didn’t allow it. You made mistakes. I wasn’t the only hurt by them. I was the only one who spent years punishing you for them. Everything I wanted you to do to prove you wasn’t going to hurt me this time around… you did.

The reality is that I wanted to go back and get what I missed out on. I let myself miss out on so much more doing that. You weren’t a perfect mother. You had your own battles you were fighting. You had a hard life that never stopped. I’m so happy I gave you those years to explain some of it to me. I’m happy I opened the door to let you be a friend to me.

You were considerate. You were helpful. You were one of the most accepting people I have ever met. You were someone to a lot of different people. Just as we were all coming together again, it started to fall apart. You spent years trying to be numb. Drinking to celebrate, drinking to run away, drinking to have a good time, drinking because you had a bad one.

Your doctors begged you for years to quit. You had other health issues that already made your body weak. Your body beat cancer twice. You used alcohol to self-medicate and you were killing yourself in the process.

One day, you finally asked for help. Cathi had been trying for years. Cathi was always the logical sister. Crystal and Diana always played nice, but Cathi and I were never afraid to say what we thought. Cathi got everything together quickly. We were able to bring you to a center and, as a family, we planned what comes next. We made up a schedule so at least one of us were with you every day. The thought of losing you devastated everyone.

I hope we did good by you.

The next few months happened quickly. One day you were here and the next you were gone. You were only 53… the last few weeks of your life, all you spoke about was making it to Sophie’s third birthday. You almost made it too. You gave it such a good fight.

The last few days of your life are still very vivid in my memory. Your side of the family started flying in. Your oldest sister, my godmother, didn’t leave your side that last week. She was the one you told when you were ready to go. She never admitted it to us, but we know. Our father loved you his whole life. Your daughters only wanted to hold on. I know Titi was the one who got Daddy to accept he had to let you go.

It was a Monday. You were in the ICU for two weeks, but I had just seen you the day before. You were sitting in bed making jokes. Diana was braiding your hair and Crystal painted your nails. You were wearing a blue bracelet on your wrist that had a little star Sophie had gave you. You had asked me to bring cards the next time I came. I kissed you goodbye and said that I’ll see you tomorrow.

I was somehow still managing both my jobs and school. I would go see you with my laptop between shifts. I’d sit in the extra chair in the room until visiting hours were over reading my schoolbooks. I wish I would’ve spent more of that time talking to you. This particular Monday, I was feeling so burnt out. Titi was there anyway so it’s not like you were alone.

I didn’t go see you.

“Lady was asking for you all day. She’s been wanting to talk to you,” Cathi texted me. I ignored her. I wasn’t going to let her make me feel guilty when I just needed a day.

Then it was Tuesday.

I wasn’t supposed to go see you this day. I was getting up to go to work. I needed to drop Sophie off to her dad. I knew I was in for a long day. I check my phone.

“Chas, it’s time”.

My heart sank. It was from Titi. I don’t know how, but I got to the hospital pretty quickly. My mom had a tube in her mouth. My two oldest sisters were on each side rubbing her hands.

“Jackie just got on a flight. She’ll be here by tonight. Tio will grab her at the airport on his way here. Daddy will be with them,”.

Why is that in her mouth? She was just fine Sunday.

Everyone but my Titi left the room. Cathi had to make calls, Crystal said she was hungry, but I knew they just wanted to give me a moment.

“But she wanted to tell me something,” I said out loud to the room.

“She stopped breathing last night. Her body is shutting down. She has the tube so we can say goodbye. If there’s anything you need to tell her, now is the time,” Titi told me. “She can still hear you, I promise. She hasn’t left us yet. She’s waiting to give you all your chance”.

I held your hand and I spoke to you on and off all day. Short stories of what I was up to when I didn’t want you in my life. Ideas of what Sophie may grow up to be. I told you I loved you and apologized for the time I wasted. I told you I forgive you. But you couldn’t say anything back. Your hands didn’t feel like yours. So many people came to say bye. Some prayed, some sang, most just held your hand and cried. Daddy begged you to stay because you promised him you’d grow old together. Just as Titi said, once Jackie got there… you were gone shortly after.

I remember looking at you waiting for a miracle. In the TV shows, sometimes you pull the plug and they wake up. But that didn’t happen… we watched as you took your last breath. I held your hand until the warmth was completely gone. You were cold the last time I kissed your forehead… This is really where our story ends.

You’re really gone…