Purest Love

Throughout my childhood, I wasn't allowed to have dogs. We always had cats, hamsters, small animals. Yet they belonged to my brother's.

I begged and begged my parents for a dog. Never got one. Hell, one time my mom said she could barely take care of me, why make it worse and add a dog to the mix. Broke my heart.

I decided that when I got older and moved out on my own, that I would get myself a dog. In which I did. I recently turned 18, moved into my first apartment. I had two cats with me already, who I love dearly and what I truly needed was a dog to get me outside more. I was becoming more depressed staying inside. I've been reading up on unconditional love with dogs, training shelter dogs and what to expect with shelter dogs and their behaviors. Watching Youtube videos of dogs getting adopted and how the owner's life completely changed.

For months I would look at shelter websites but then one day, my day off, I decided to fuck it and head to my local animal shelter and take a look. I saw the kitties at first, naturally. At first I wanted a puppy but realized the time I needed to nurse and train but honestly, they were more expensive. So I headed to the other side to where the older dogs were. I knew I didn't like small dogs, little ankle bitters. I wanted a bigger dog, a bigger cuddle buddy. Walking to kennel after kennel, I didn't get a connection with most dogs. All the barking and jumping had my anxiety on high. I saw Golden Retrievers, German Shepherds all lively, I wanted someone calm but playful, not to hyper aggressive at the time. Then I spotted this medium sized skinned and bone reddish brown female dog, balled in the corner.

I stood there, for maybe 10 minutes just watching how she would react to other people walking to her kennel. I did nothing. Curled up in a ball, she was calm but shaking. One of the volunteers said, she was in a fighting ring case, most of the dogs were either put down or adopted. But this female didn't want to be touched. Scared mostly. Starved and malnourished. I asked the volunteer lady what kind of dog she was. Answered unknown. Yet her papers say German Shepherd Mix. She said she could have Boxer, Beagle Mixture as well as Shepherd.

I decided to walk but to her kennel, the volunteer lady stood right next to me. I looked at the name tag. Mary-Go-Round. Lady said, it was because where they finally caught her after the fighting ring was busted, a few dogs escaped and it was near an abandoned carnival. Within minutes of walking up to this poor baby's cage, her head poked up with curiosity. I heard a gasp come from the lady. She said she's never seen her move with any potential adopter. especially with her being so weak, she was still under a lot of medications to get her back to health. Miss Mary-Go-Round somehow managed to crawl to me and lick my hand as I reached out to let her sniff my hand. Looking into her deep brown human liked eyes. At that moment I knew she was coming home with me. Miss Lady said "She chose you love, looks like your her forever home."

She was coming home with me, Sadly, it took a couple of days since she was scheduled to be fixed and I had to wait til after which was fine with me. For two days, I cleaned my apartment, bought all the toys, doggie bed, kennel and all you can think of for a dog. I was so excited.

The day I went to pick her up was actually heart breaking. She was so underweight. Skin and bones. So many medications I needed for her, kennel cough , upper respiratory infection, ear infection on top of the injuries she had during dog fights; Her right ear has a chunk missing, a large gash on her left front arm, her entire left side near her butt was like a burn mark but still couldn't make out. All the ointments. Still worth it.

She was so terrified to walk to my car, we got to the door and she froze. Looking up at me, I decided to carry her to my car. She wouldn't stop licking my arm, giving me kisses to the face. The 30 minute drive home, she was curled in that same ball shape but in the middle of my back seat of my car. I moved my rear view mirror positioned to where I can see her. She just stared at me the entire time. I spoke in a soft voice, which I never do. Telling her how she has to kitty sisters, a whole dog bed but a human bed, lots of room to run and lots of toys to play with. Telling her that she is safe and will never go hungry ever again. Treats will always be a thing, her head popped up as soon as the word came out. I giggled.

Getting home, soon realized I had to carry her up 3 flights of stairs. I tried to get her to walk but with her being weak and still scared, I didn't want to make it worse. I gently carried her to her new home. Tail started wagging as soon as I got to my door. I lowered her to the floor to let her explore, weakly she waddled to her doggie bed and grabbed a stuffed toy and plopped right down toy in mouth, tail wagging and just staring at me. My heart melted at the sight.

Let me tell you, challenges on top of challenges. I changed her name to Molly. She wouldn't answer to anything else. She LOVED getting into the cat's litter box; She chewed on my socks. Don't get me started on my paint. I got home from work and all I saw was black and red acrylic paint on my white carpet in my living room to the hallway to my bedroom. All over my bed and especially on Molly. Grateful that it was washable. I was so damn angry and frustrated, but it wasn't her fault. It took me time to learn patience. I had to learn how to train an animal who has been through hell and back. I had to learn at Molly had this sassy personality as she grew more comfortable as she felt safe.

Molly became aggressive and reactive as we took walks. She would lunge at anyone walking by. Bark at everyone. She wasn't treat orientated so it was difficult to teach her and distract her to walk away and teach her not everyone is a treat. She taught me that love was tough and needed work. She taught me that even those who has gone through hell, seen darkness and done some dark things, that they can still love and deserve love.

I was in the point of my life where I had no one. I was sitting in darkness. Family members were toxic, bitching to me about problems they created. Having a racist father, narcissistic mother, both brothers in and out of jail. I had self-esteem issues, re-living my childhood trauma, felt so alone that having Molly gave me sense of hope, of having some kind of love that didn't cause me to give more than I have. She was an unconditional type of love. Because at the end of the day, all she wanted was a home, a forever family, to be loved. No matter the flaws or challenges, all she wanted is to be loved. Like me, all I wanted to be was loved. Biggest thing was, it was pure love. A pure love that I didn't know I had or deserved to have. And she gave that to me. The true wonders of being a dog mom.