Parents Can't Win Arguments

There is no winning an argument with a teen

There is a fourteen year spread between my oldest daughter and her half-sister and half-brother. After divorcing her alcoholic father when she was two, I didn’t remarry for nine years. I had managed to get me and her through the toddler and preschool years from two through five and into kindergarten at that point. I was pretty smug, thinking I'd figured successful parenting out. Boy was I in for a shocking surprise! Early childhood and adolescence were only the beginning.

Like toddlers, teenagers do not want to hear the word 'no'

Whether it was about doing whatever she wanted or something as simple as makeup, clothes, friends, getting home too late, or not being ready for school on time, my eldest had a response for every remark and a dozen justifications for everything that began around the day she turned twelve. It was a constant battle of wills and arguments between the two of us. I finally asked a psychologist I knew for professional advice and his response was to tell me emphatically that “there is no winning an argument with a "pre-teen or a teenager. ” He told me to use the same parenting techniques that I used when she was a toddler.

Don't give teens an opening to begin an argument

I took my friend's advice. The next time my eldest started an argument, I stated my point simply, succinctly, and abruptly. Then I went in for the kill, telling my teen the discussion was over and I wasn’t going to argue with her. Then I turned around and walked away without looking back and therefore not giving my daughter time to think of a comeback. Occasionally she would follow me and I would restate my position that the discussion was over and ignore anything she would throw at me.” But my sly teenaged daughter was not going to go down so easy.

Teens will turn to another adult in or outside the home

My eldest's next move was to try and sidestep my shutting her down by using her step-father to get what she wanted. More often than not he had no idea we’d been having a disagreement, and if he did, he wasn't aware of what the disagreement was about. The master manipulation worked for a while until my husband and I came up with a dastardly plot for the next time she tried pulling a fast one. Her stepfather started asking her if she had talked to me first about the issue, then he asked me if I’d said my eldest could go, do---or have something, or say he’d have to talk to me first. The first time we turned the table on my daughter she stormed off, ranting under her breath. I'm sure I didn't want to be privy to what she was saying.

"You're not my dad, or mom, is used with step-parents"

My daughter's next approach was using the “you’re not my real dad trick”. So I referred back to when my eldest was three and had made a decision she was going to live with her father, who'd buy her ice cream whenever she wanted after me and my mom had told her no earlier in the day. I packed a small bag, told her goodbye, hugged her, and said I'd miss her before silently opening the door to let her leave. I peeked through the slats in the blinds unseen. . . and would never have let her walked off the porch. Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door and my daughter came back in timidly and quietly told me she didn't know how to get to her dad's house. We never spoke about it again.

I used the same basic principle that worked when she was a toddler, just in a more age-appropriate way by offering to help her pack a suitcase, purchase a plane ticket so she go could go live with her father in Ohio where he’d fled to escape paying child support in Kansas when she was seven. The only phone calls over the years were on birthdays or at Christmas if he was sober enough and didn't forget the dates. My offering was ignored but of course, she stormed off to avoid admitting defeat.

Did it always work? Of course not. But within a few months the arguments had decreased by around 89%, and peace returned to our household for the most part. Years later my daughter asked her step-father to walk her down the aisle at her outdoor wedding after apologizing for all the grief and hurt she had caused him with her defiance over his 'not being her real father'. All was forgiven and tucked away firmly in the past where it belonged and never brought up again.

Our two youngest, having listened to and observed first hand how their father and I addressed their half-sister’s behavior didn’t try the same tactics at that age. With my youngest daughter it was. . . . “but so and so’s parents. . .or everyone else is going to be there. . . and more. That is another story and another type of response. As for my son, I always wondered if fairies had crept into his bedroom through the window as an infant and replaced him with a changeling because he never gave us nearly the same level of grief as both his sisters.