Our Next Chapter

I sat on the floor in shock, I couldn’t believe the words that just escaped from your mouth; “I’m done, I don’t love you anymore, I don’t want to be with you, I’m sick of trying.” You looked so angry and exhausted as you said it, but then relieved. In that moment my heart shattered and it felt like my world was collapsing around me. I’m that moment all I could think to do was beg, plead, hope I could convince you to stay and try and work on things. Nothing I said made you want to stay, or even talk more about it so I gave in.

“Why don’t you go stay at Ty’s house for the week so you can think and we can try and talk more about this on the weekend?” I said with tears in my eyes, holding our youngest son. You shook your head and sighed, “Sure, we’ll talk on the weekend.” That was it, you packed a bag, I begged one more time for you to stay, then you left.

That was three months ago…

So much has happened and changed since you left that night. The first couple of weeks were rough. You went straight to another woman for comfort, one who had continually been a problem in our four years together. She always tried to weasel her way back into your life and try and create chaos between us, this time it finally worked. You started spending all of your time with her, putting her before our kids and treating me like I meant absolutely nothing to you.

“I’ve been happier this week being with her, than I’ve ever been the whole time you and I were together.” You said it with a straight face and absolutely no regret. Those words broke me, they constantly replay in my head and I don’t think they will ever go away.

Another week goes by and things start to feel okay. It’s not as tense now when you come visit the boys, we’re smiling and laughing like we used to. In the midst of the laughs and smiles she still lingers though. Constant calls showing up on your phone when we’re spending time as a family, text after text asking why you’re not answering and your eyes start to roll everytime her name shows up. A couple more weeks go by, you start to spend more time here again. Everything almost feels normal, those days that you’re here you’re actually paying attention to me and I feel more loved than I did recently when we were engaged. You slowly stop talking to her and spending time with her, and you continue to spend more time with me.

“I’m not going to say I haven’t thought about us getting back together, but I’m not ready to have that conversation just yet.” You said to me one night while we were hanging out in the garage. I was okay with that, I accepted it. Maybe there’s a small glimmer of hope that with a bit more time apart and hanging out like we have been maybe you’d realize that you do want to try and work on things between us.

Fast forward a couple more weeks, laughs and smiles in between and then all of a sudden it’s gone again. You’re constantly angry with me everytime I bring something up about the situation. “I need you to be consistent with how you treat me because this is getting so confusing. When you’re here you act like everything is good and you’re happy, like we might have a chance to figure stuff out. As soon as you leave you act like the kids and I don’t exist and I can’t keep doing this.” Tears flow down my cheeks, I’m hoping you’ll tell me that you want to try and work on things but that doesn’t happen. “I don’t want to be with you, I don’t love you, the only reason I even have anything to do with you is because we have kids together. If we didn’t have those kids I would have nothing to do with you. Just get over it and move on with your life I don’t want to be with you!” The words rang through my ears as you scream at me in the garage. My eyes cloudy and full of tears, I could feel my heart racing and it felt like all of the oxygen in the garage was gone and I could no longer breathe. “Then what was the point? Why would you act the way you act while you’re here then? Why would you make me feel like I had a chance? You haven’t done enough to me already? Why would you do that?!” So much of my anger finally bubbled to the surface and I kicked the headlight. “Just get out of my garage! Leave! I don’t want you hear anymore!” With that you got in your car and drove away.

The next few days you still came to the house to see the boys, we barely spoke but when we did you pretended nothing had happened. Finally it was your birthday, you were supposed to call our oldest to say goodnight; instead I got a text. (Kiss him goodnight for me, I can’t call.) I called you, I wanted an explanation because you already canceled on coming to see him. What could possibly be more important than your kids? You didn’t like that I questioned you, you got angry and defensive and the conversation turned into an argument that once again ended with me apologizing. I apologized, because my reaction to your actions wasn’t acceptable to you and it made you angry so you made me feel like I was in the wrong. You said goodnight to our son after I basically forced you to, and agreed to come over after you woke up the next day to see the kids.

You showed up at the house at 5pm, that’s when everything got worse. “ I don’t want to be a dad, I need a break from seeing you guys.” You had a blank expression on your face, like you didn’t even care about what you were saying. That day you walked out of the house without saying goodbye to the boys and haven’t asked about them or seen them since. It’s been two weeks since that day.

I always thought that our story would last the rest of our lives. I never imagined being without you so soon. I never imagined that I would be a 25year old single mom of two kids. I miss you every single day, some days it’s not as bad as others but then a wave of it hits and I feel like I’m drowning and have no idea how to save myself. Part of me still has hope, maybe one day later on after we both heal the parts of us that are broken we could try again… At this point that part of me is very small. My hope for us is just a small flickering flame about to go out; even if that flame does go out I will always hold onto hope for you to atleast come home to the boys.

I miss you so much, I will always love you and there will always be a part of my heart that is only yours, but I need to try and heal for myself and for our boys.

I need to try and start this next chapter, whether you are apart of it or not. Maybe I’ll see you again in another one.

Goodbye, For now.