Our Fresh Start

Last year I nearly got divorced. 2020 started out great for my little family as we planned what holidays we would take and where we would take our boys. We were happy. My marriage seemed like any other; two parents tired of working, tired of routine and parenting. But ultimately happy. 2020 changed that.

We both changed as the year progressed. I’m part of a very close family unit where we would easily see each other a few times a week. I have a compromised immune system due to past cancer which meant my entire family was terrified about me contracting Covid. Therefore I saw no-one. My mom came to our living room window once a week to talk through glass which made everyone a little more depressed. Luckily my boys are young enough to not understand the events happening. I became despondent, listless; pretty much a shell of my usual happy self.

My husband began to work from home 8am till 6pm, sometimes later. He wouldn’t see the outside of the house until the weekends. He was used to chatting to friends at work, used to doing the morning walk to get coffee. He works a high stress job which is extra hard with two small boys crying at the study door, not understanding why Daddy can’t play. He became tired, moody and angry at being stuck inside one room all day. Our marriage started to suffer.

We spent less time together, we snapped, we criticized and argued. I cried, he stormed out. We both plastered on smiles for the boys. By the time September rolled around, I genuinely thought I was going to spend Christmas as a single mom. Autumn came and went, we soldiered on. Then came Christmas day.

The boys were opening their presents, their little faces beaming up at us as wrapping paper littered the floor. The lights in their eyes as we checked the mince pie crumbs, the small bit of carrot Rudolph left. Sometimes a marriage can be saved by a moment, one single glance. This came for me at approximately 9.25am.

Our four year old had just opened up his third Lego set, a train. He literally screamed in excitement and lifted it up like a trophy.

“Santa is brilliant, I really love trains” he cried out to us. My husband and I laughed and looked at each other. It was like a bolt of lightning, a sizzling, cracking moment of knowledge being struck into our minds. WE made him. Together, in love, we created this being.

Within the space of a few moments I remembered our first meeting, date, kiss, sex, holiday. All the times we sat on the sofa joking about a film or playing games together. This man in front of me I loved enough to create a child with, well two children. This year had sucked, but WE had loved each other for a decade. I wasn’t going to let a virus take that from us. He smiled back at me and I knew he felt the same. We could make this work.

2021 was our fresh start. This would be the year we got our marriage back to normal. We would become ourselves again, forget the stress, forget the worries of everything, we needed to be husband and wife again.

January was our test, the usual moody month where we’d normally be down and a bit tetchy; we made our own. Every other night we made sure to do something together. We watched films, thank you 1917. We watched a TV series, thank you The Expanse. We played board games, thank you Fallout. Some nights we did marriage quizzes, we made our own pizza, we even managed to do a wine tasting (non-alcoholic of course, still children in the house).

Along with spending more quality time together, we helped each other. He took the kids downstairs in the morning so I could get more sleep. I gave him more time on the weekend so he could get out on his bike. I bought him his favorite chocolate every now and again. He gave me back rubs before I fell asleep. I stopped thinking of things he was doing wrong, like not taking the bin out. It still drives me crazy but I don’t make it a huge argument. Instead I ask him to take it out with a smile on my face. He stopped leaving his rubbish everywhere and actually made an effort to do more housework. He started taking more interest in the work I was doing, giving advice when he thought of something useful.

We have touched each other more. Simple touches like a caress of the arm as I walked past, I’d run my fingers through his hair as he sat reading his phone. Small touches which don’t sound like much, but were everything.

In January I got my marriage back. Not just that, I got my partner, my lover, my best friend back. 2020 was one of the worst years in my life as we nearly lost each other. 2021 was our fresh start, a year to remember why we fell in love and that we can always find our way back to each other.