now she is dead ...

It's a pity that I've been holding on to my chest for so long and I didn't even dare to write about it or talk to anyone. I want to talk about it today.

I always think a lot of the problems in my life are due to my low self-esteem. Sometimes I make stupid decisions and don't value myself. Self-esteem and self-confidence are things that I suffer now at the age of 33 because of their lack. Things that made me see a psychologist.

I was involved in this problem during my childhood and adolescence, and I blame her for my mother's treatment of me, but when she died, it was no longer a problem but a tragedy. I soon realized that my problems had deepened and that they were not going away.

She was very kind and worked hard for me, but sometimes she ignored my efforts and suppressed me. Her behavior sometimes pierced my heart like a dagger.

When I was a little innocent girl and when I was a beautiful teenager, others always admired me, but I wanted to admire her. She also admired me, but sometimes highlighted my weaknesses.

When she died, I was not happy about her death, but also I could not forgive her. As a young woman, I realized that I would let go of any problems I might have with her, and I didn't think about a solution because I blamed someone else who is now dead. Someone I can blame without being able to defend himself and I thought I would win the game.

But these days I'm getting bigger and wiser.

I'm glad I grew up so much that I can take responsibility for my life.

I spend my days in quarantine reading various books. Books written about self-esteem and self-improvement. I read them and practice them.

I started writing these days. I wrote about my negative feelings and thoughts. It was very difficult to get out of what had been on my mind for a long time and the dust was sitting on it. It was like a piece of furniture, but I had to try to end this suffering for many years.

What I saw on paper in front of me was strange. Some words were full of hatred and anger that was very painful to bear. I wondered how I had wronged myself all these years and kept them in my mind. They were like scented garbage, and I had to get rid of them as soon as possible. However, throwing them away does not mean that I should ignore them; they just need to be accepted. It was a strange journey into the depths of my being. Like a warehouse full of disposable items that we have to visit every once in a while and remember memories with some items and then distance ourselves from them.

I finally realized that the things that bothered me in my childhood shouldn't make me suffer in my youth. I look at them more openly now, and that's what makes me stronger. It can also make me try not to bother others. Maybe the words that come out of my mouth will ruin someone's life and he won't be able to overcome it.

I grew up not to blame her or anyone else for my actions. I don't even blame myself and I believe that anyone can be wrong.

This challenge made me write about her for the first time. It made me forgive her in my heart and made me move forward.

For my mother, whom I love, I ask God for eternal peace, and I am glad that no corner of my heart is dark anymore. Now the dark side of my heart is dead.