Nothing to My Mom

Sometimes, I could not help but think that I am nothing to my mom because she is apathetic most of the time. In fact, I rarely see her being sympathetic or empathetic to anyone.

I am sick of her, for the very reason that she is also very sick.

She is sick with a high level of flatulence. It occurs when gas builds up in your digestive system. On an average, a person passes gas 18 times a day and they are usually harmless and odor-less.

But my mom? Ha! She doesn’t care about the people around her. She farts more than 50 times a day and it’s either silent but deadly, or loud… but deadlier!

How many of you have an awesome momma? Your moms are nothing to my mom. Like literally, she doesn’t give a damn about your moms!

My mom doesn’t have friends – okay, maybe she has a very few, less than the fingers of your one hand. She gets to talk to them maybe once in five to ten years? Yeah. Her life revolved around our family. She is so hands-on that I learned to read and write even before I entered nursery. She is no teacher, but she taught me not just arithmetic and language, but also life lessons that I only start to appreciate now.

She would remind me… “Friends do come and go.” Perhaps that’s why she was never attached to anyone. Because she thinks that everyone around her will leave. An argument with my mom could turn into a rumble. Sometimes, she would leave. This has happened many times and that’s why she has a discount card in a motel. She’s unpredictable and sometimes, she would be silent for about a week or more, making us feel guilty and ashamed of ourselves. She would fight, flight, or fart.

In 2017-2018, I got so pissed about everything in my life. I was 27, mature enough to live an independent life, but I couldn’t. I had to stay at my parents’ house because I didn’t have enough funds to rent my own place. I provide for them and sure, nobody asked me to be a breadwinner. It was my choice. But… how many of you know how difficult it is to be sharing a room with your menopausal mom and dad on andropause? Those were the toughest two years of my life.

I won’t get into much detail but the bottom line? My dad nagged my mom, my mom bantered with me everyday, I blamed everything to my dad who lost his job 20 years ago. And the cycle of this love-hate relationship went on. As the breadwinner, I made the tough choices. And I grew tired of being strong. I fell into this pit of nothingness and I didn’t want to live the life I borrowed anymore.

On the New Year’s Eve of 2018, my parents had a fight. My siblings and I decided to ignore them because as usual, their crazy asses would be back together in no time. We were at my grandma’s house about to have Media Noche when we received a phone call before the clock struck 12. It was my dad, crying. Apparently, my mom took two packs of sleeping pills and was then lying unconsciously on the floor.

We rushed her to the hospital where she was directed to the ICU. My tiny mind couldn’t fathom that while I was contemplating on ending my life, my mom already did choose to end hers. In an instant, snippets of my memories from childhood came rushing. Though we were not well off, she was able to make our house a home. Though she was the middle child black sheep who was loved less, she loved us all equally. Though she was afraid to build a family at the age of 19, she wholeheartedly accepted it. She let go of her happy teenage life – so she could focus on showering us with the love she never had. I realized that I am just like her, only, she is stronger, and just like me, she grew tired of being that strong woman. She was seemingly apathetic, because she was living behind that façade of being strong just because she had to.

They say that my mom was given another chance at life. I say, we were given another chance to be grateful of her life, and to embrace all the love she gives in between those deadly farts. To be honest, I don’t want to have a child yet because I’m afraid that I might not be half as good a mom as her. I am nothing to my mom -- I am nothing COMPARED to my mom, because she is miles and miles better than me.