Not waving, But drowning.

I feel like I've hit yet another painfully present rough patch. The walls are closing in and the haze of daily indifference is sucking the air out of the room. The lack of any other meaningful adult interactions is laying those needs directly and weightily on my partners shoulders. For all his many attributes, a natural flair for interaction isn't on of them. Combine that lack of fulfilment with the what seems like unending bad night sleeps, recurring nightmares and a constant sense of the unknown and I am beyond a hot mess right now. I am a slow building mass of over pressured anger and stress which I can feel creeping closer to the moment of utter explosion. One I can only imagine, based on the small but frequent eruptions of late, will be catatonic.

Home schooling is at least not that much of an issue. My child being young enough her activities are fairly straightforward and cause minimal stress. Learning the alphabet and colouring are just about within my capabilities (mostly as I only have one child to attend to unlike her usual teachers). It's the trying to keep her entertained outside of the set activities, let alone trying to carve out time for my own work that is proving itself difficult. I am reluctant to stick her in front of the TV. No, not because I am one of those Parents. Although I do have an issue with screens at the dinner table other than that each to their own. However, my particular bundle of Joy becomes significantly more stroppy and general less of a joy the more screen time she is allowed. Although that afternoon of quiet is usually very tempting I know the trade off. An extended and angry bedtime hour (or usually three in this instance) is enough to drain my energy for next few days.

The one thing having her home all the time does effect is keeping house. Many a mum or stay at home dad will probably agree there is something about getting all the chores done and getting to sit down with a coffee, in an empty house, satisfied in the knowledge your hard work will keep for at least the next few hours until the rest of the family descends. That bathroom floor actually has time to dry before it's walked on or no more washing up will magically generate as soon as tour back is turned. This small joy is non-existent in these times. You'll be halfway through mopping and SOMEONE will need a wee. you'll have just turned the dishwasher on to find an abandoned cup lurking. Soon as your bum hits the sofa with coffee in hand you're being asked to come and see the stuffed animals or when they next get to eat. This in itself is stretching my patience and my overall calm so very, very thin.

With another looming announcement I can't even tell you what I hope to hear. For me schools is of little consequence for us as a family although I can imagine there is many a parent on the edge of their seat in hope. As a reception child parent I can't begin to imagine the concerns and fear of those with older children and how this impact their overall education. For me I'm desperate for something else. I haven't laid eyes on a single member of family in a year. I couldn't rush to support my sister when she was ill recently as it would have been against the rules. I haven't sat and had a coffee with my 85 year old grandad, isolating alone for most of this time, who means the world to me. A polite chat with my new (we moved last march) neighbours although is great right now, it isn't the proper catch and comfort of my close friends.

We can only hope this is the beginning of the end of the madness. As more and more people are starting to show the strain of it all just please try and be open minded and understanding of those around you. Those people you see chatting on their doorstop every day, it might be the only person they ever speak to anymore. That person that you never see wear a mask, you have no idea what makes them exempt and they owe you no explanation. That neighbour with the wine bottle filled recycling every week, maybe they have no one its their only coping mechanism right now. Keep your judgments to a minimum and your community spirit up full whack and fingers crossed we'll get through this eventually. Just remember some people are not waving, they're drowning.