Not Falling

Chapter 1

It didn't matter how much money I had inherited from Grandma, I still do not know who I am. All I have from her personal belongings is a little black book. She left it wrapped up on her bedside table ribbon-tied to a card with my name on it. I have been carrying that card around with me all morning. I finally thought that if I sat outside, in the quiet of nature, I may be able to read her letter.

I walk through the hay field and reach my favourite tree. As the sun was shining I took my time and check for insects before sitting down. I went for the little black book first. It had a soft matte leather cover with a thickness that gave me satisfaction. When I opened the book, it felt natural to close my eyes and take a slow and deep breath, awakening my senses and calming my energy.

A refreshing smell of oak brush under my nose as I flick through, and I feel a slight tingle in my nostrils. The warm sunlight pass camomile and daisies through my eyelids, feeding me an internal smile as I face towards it, keeping my eyes closed.

Despite all this, I knew there was a sad feeling beneath it all. Through the cloud of flowers, I started to see a goddess gold glow and it soon formed into Mother. Enveloping her love around me I didn't know how to explain to her what held tight on my heart.

"I don't know how to be or who I am. Please guide me Mother?"

I stroke my fingers across the smooth unwritten page, whilst trying to stay connected with her.

"If you love yourself and you love others, you will find your true self. The first step may look like tolerance, but after enough practice, that will soon evolve into love."

She hugs me in a way that brought the ocean to my heart, but then she fades away leaving a cool breeze of grass dancing around me. As I open my eyes I was clear about what I had to do. I turn over the first page and began to draw her, and title it "love".

Chapter 2

I tried to love myself, and others, but not everyone returns that love. And despite picking myself back up every time with Mother's love, I fall again.

On the stone ledge of the castle top, I look as far into the horizon as the sand coloured tiles allow. My hands shift causing crumbs to fall into the distance but I don't look down. I try to block out the noise from the market below and my mind goes to the black of the little book.

Reaching into my jacket pocket my fingers land on the soft leather, and I use my other hand to pull on the elastic as it reveals itself. Turning to the next blank double page I rest the book on my leg and return my gaze into the distance.

Closing my eyes for a moment, the market clanging turned into a dull hum. I clear my thoughts into the darkness and behind my eyes there are bright circles of light varying in shades of taupe. A streamlined warrioress standing tall in her impressive grey armour appears.

"I don't know how to be or who I am. Please guide me Madam?"

I rub my fingertips together on the resting book without thinking.

"Focus on the strength of the core through the world's noise. Look for the roots that represent you. If you believe it is your true self then you won't fall and you won't need to pick yourself back up."

I open my eyes suddenly but the sun rays cause me to squint into the distance. As I come to, straight ahead of me I notice a line of trees blooming pink flowers and red leaves. It reminds me of our family home. My stare softens and I understand what she wanted me to see. I look down into the cream page and I draw an emblem and title it "Honour".

Chapter 3

Feeling with love and thinking with honour, I find myself still afraid. I end up not showing up and not trying, just so I cannot fail, but this brings me down and I fall again.

Making my way towards silence I find myself level with the forest tree tops holding the book in both my hands. There's a sense of peace up here and I inhale deeply.

The sweet scent of pine distracts my concentration, and gently, a kind faced woman dressed in a white and gold rimmed gown strides towards me.

"I don't know how to be or who I am. Please guide me, Your Highness?"

I grip the book hard in my two hands.

"Bring together your past and your future and link them together through your present. If you reflect in this way then you will engage all your senses. You will enable yourself and others to benefit from your decisions."

She softly glides into the distance leaving me to ponder and I'm alone again.

I place the nib of my pen onto the next double page after the emblem. I remain relaxed as her peaceful scent encapsulates mine and I start to sketch calligraphic patterns as they become apparent to me. I attempt to portray her and I title this page "Reflection".

Chapter 4

With love, honour, and reflection at my fingertips I felt ready to head out with trust in myself.

I open my eyes once more and turn back to gaze up at my favourite oak tree. Flurries of old memories with Grandma fleeced through my mind. I instinctively grabbed the letter.

Staring for a split second, I lightly touch the writing of my name. I carefully took the card out and moving on from the design I went straight for her words.

"My Dearest Grandchild,

Whilst I can no longer be there for you in person, take this notebook and share your feelings with me through it.

With you always,

Grandma"

Tears fall down my cheeks as I realise that Grandma has been here the whole time. I can do nothing else but mutter,

"I will, thank you Grandma"

Chapter 5

A few weeks had gone by where I lived with my head held up high, supported by Mother's love, the madam's advice, and the Highness' reminder. I only had to return to my little black book if I ever felt like falling again. I kept Grandma's letter with the book at all times and this gave me comfort.

With her letter in my hand I was no longer afraid of the £20,000 I inherited. I knew that I had my heart, my mindset, and my senses to guide me. I decided I wanted to build on them through a challenge that would help me grow. An idea that was linked to my soul. A model that was self-sustaining. A goal with a purpose.

Everyday I visited my favourite spot and I wrote in my little black book. I had written a list of the things that have always held a deep place within me. Putting them together helped me see the vision much more clearly than ever before.

I return to the spot and I feel an excitement within me that I want so much for others to experience in their own way. The gift that my Grandma gave me, I realised, was a gift I wanted to give others. I wrote a letter in return to Grandma on the next blank double page.

"Thank you Grandma, I now feel a sense of hope alongside the sense of doubt. I accept the fear will remain even with you by my side. I will carry out my dream with a full heart, and no matter what happens, I will grow from this.

Love you always"

I turn to another blank double page as I decided to face my dream to open a café for creatives. I title my next blank double page the name of my café.

"The little black book café"