Not an Introduction

I know what it’s like. Sitting in class waiting for the teacher to call your name so you can validate your presence even though, in that moment, you’re really wishing you weren’t present. You’ve cleared your throat a hundred times with hopes your voice doesn’t crack at the sound of your name being called, you start to sweat. The class list is in alphabetical order, so one could prepare themselves ahead of time for the dreaded “here”. Unfortunately for me, my name was always followed by catty little giggles from the sidelines. Yes, I was the shy awkward girl that never wanted the spotlight.

So like I said above. This is not an introduction. We’re not going there!

If you’re anything like I was, you’re poisoned with thoughts of self loathing, humility, sadness, worthlessness. A whole bucket of pure waste just ready to be dumped. I’ve been there. I’ve felt that. My character was a very unapproachable, unlovable person who would rather disappear into the background then make eye contact with anyone in the room. God forbid they want to talk to me. I just had to create a barrier of unhappiness around me so no one would want in. I built some pretty high walls, and dug some pretty deep holes to protect myself from hurt.

If you were looking at me from the outside, it just appeared as though I was stuck up, snobby, too good for you. How was that possible… The way I was feeling inside should have sounded the alarms to the people around me that I was alone and in need of a friend. However, that was not the case. Not a single glimmer of friendship was on the horizon.

I clearly remember back when I was 13 years old, sticker books were the “in” thing. I had an awesome sticker book filled with hundreds of smelly, shiny stickers. I remember thinking it would be such a great idea to take my book to school because hey, maybe I could make some friends doing trades. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

That morning, I packed it all up and headed to school more excited than ever before. When I arrived, and the timing was right, I pulled out my big book of stickers and proudly passed it over. I mean, I had people coming over to me in droves. It was great!...That was until I started to notice what was really going on. People were just raiding my book, stealing my stickers! There were no trades, no friendships made, just one really empty sticker book and one broken hearted girl.

NOW, fast forward 28 years and I see these same traits in my beautiful daughter. She is 16, and one of the kindest most caring teenagers I know. But… Like me, she has a really hard time opening up and letting others in, which in turn creates a very lonely existence. I see it in her eyes, in her facial expressions as she’s scrolling through social media posts; highlights of her classmates at partys, dinners, outings, that she never gets an invite to. Merely an outsider looking in. Why doesn’t anyone like me Mom?

My heart hurts.

This is where I need to get it right. This is why I feel compelled to go on this journey of self love so that maybe, just maybe if you’re reading this right now you feel connected with our disconnect. How do we change the framework of our minds so that when our peers approach us, we don’t run the other way, feel unworthy of positive experiences or talk ourselves out of being accepted. How do we keep the stickers in our book and at the same time, gain the confidence to build healthy friendships in our lives.

“Your greatest responsibility is to love yourself and to know you are enough.”

So… You Gotta Get Out of Your Pajamas Girl!