Nostalgic Songs and Long Drives.

It is summer 2017. I am in Los Angeles, California at my big sister’s wedding. She and her husband are performing their first dance to “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran. As I watch them, I feel so much happiness and gratitude. It feels incredible to finally see the big smile on my sister’s face and the joy in her eyes, especially after everything she has been through this past year. A few days later, on my long drive out of the state, I replay her first dance song and recount the beautiful memories we just made. To this day, whenever I hear “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran, I am transferred back into that moment, in that beautiful ballroom, with tears of happiness rolling down my cheeks.

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It is January 2018. I graduated college about one month ago, and now I am starting my first day at my “big girl” job. I wake up hours in advance because I feel sick to my stomach with anxiety and nervousness. I bombard my big sister with texts about how jittery I feel and how I wish the day would just be over already. We live thousands of miles away from each other now, but I know I can always count on her to make me feel better. She responds to my texts saying “Don’t worry, you’re going to do amazing. You always do!” She sends me a link to listen to the song “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. On my drive to my new job, I play the song she sent me and it makes me feel so calm and grounded. The tranquil sound of the song drowns out some of my intrusive thoughts and I finally feel okay about starting this new journey.

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It is summer 2019. My big sister and I have been planning a road trip to the Rocky Mountains in Colorado for weeks now and I have finally made it to her place. We have not seen each other in months and it feels so good to be together in person again. We leave Los Angeles and are fully prepared and excited for the long drive ahead of us. We spend hours talking and laughing about life- reminiscing on our old memories and stopping every few hours for a break. As we cruise through the highways, we have the song “Selfish” by St. SAINt JHN on repeat. We both sing along to this continually for hours without getting tired of it. The song is so soothing and seems like the perfect soundtrack for our road trip. The song makes me feel happy. I have no worries on our drive- I just feel content and lucky. Several times during the drive, I look over to the passenger seat where my sister is sitting and I see the look of happiness and joy on her face. I will never forget the joy I felt looking at her smile. We finally make it to our destination. As I stare at the stunning mountains in admiration, I think that they look almost unreal because of their size and beauty. I grab my phone to record some videos so I can remember this moment forever. I re-watch those videos often now. They show my sister and me smiling so hard, the beautiful mountains surrounding us, and of course, “Selfish” by SAINt JHN playing in the background. That song will always be so special to me.

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It is the fall of 2020. The world feels much darker now and so do I. Even though the entire world is uniformly dealing with the burden of a deadly pandemic, I have never felt so alone. My big sister is gone. She committed suicide a few months ago. I still have not accepted it or come to terms with what happened. How could I have not known what was going on with her? Why did I not do more to make sure she was okay? Nothing feels right anymore. I do not know how to make myself feel better or how to focus on anything besides my hopeless thoughts. I spend hours everyday just driving through the city and listening to music. It distracts me and makes me feel better, albeit temporary. On my drives, I always listen to “Before You Go” By Lewis Capaldi. This song feels like it was written for me. It describes exactly how I feel about my sister. I cannot listen to this song without crying, yet I do it over and over again, every single day. It makes me feel sad but it also makes me feel less alone and a little more calm. The words speak to me and the melody eases my mind. This song has inspired me to have more empathy towards everyone I meet- I do not know what anyone is dealing with, I just try my best to show as much kindness as I can. I know that is what my big sister would do.

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Music has the power to transfer us to a different time and place. It has the power to transform our chaos and confusion into calmness and contentment. Throughout my life, music has been a source vibrancy and inclusion for me. It has made me feel less alone in times of isolation, more hopeful in times of sadness, and more energetic in times of tiredness. After my sister’s death, however, music has become a source of nostalgia for me. I find myself listening, repeatedly, to the songs that she and I used to listen to together or the music that reminded me of her. I can barely listen to music now without somehow associating it with a memory I have of her.

As heavy as my heart feels lately, I am so grateful to live in a world where music exists- a world where I can drive, listening and singing to music for a few hours, and forget some of my heartache and pain. Music has helped me so much in the past year. It has helped me cope with my confusion, sadness, and anger. It has made me feel more connected to others and more connected to my sister. Even though she is no longer here, I am so fortunate to have the memories I have had with her. I can always reflect on our time together and be grateful that I even had the chance to know her. I can play a song and remember the sound of her voice when she used to sing it too. I miss her so much. Sometimes, on my long drives, I feel like she is still with me. My passenger seat is empty now, but I play my music anyway and it makes me feel like one day things will be okay. Through her memory and through music, I still feel hopeful for the future.

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Here is a playlist of some of my favorite music- the music I listen to when I am driving and desire an escape from reality. This list displays some of the songs that I find very calming, relaxing, and transformative. I hope this playlist can make you feel more at ease and less alone, as it has done for me.