Noncustodial

Infamous villains are the stuff of stepparent maliciousness. For every bad step parent story, you will find dozens of others who are loving, supportive and understanding imperfect people.

Most failed relationships that result in the stepparent situation to begin with are still rife with animosity, resentment, jealousy and a host of other nasty emotions that can drive even the most stable person off balance. Toss in a little mental illness or some addiction issues and you have yourself a fine mess to try to raise well-adjusted future adults in.

Call me a skeptic, but I have a hard time believing those parenting magazines’ cover story experiences about co-parenting where everyone gets along and communicates in healthy ways.

“Listen here you stupid bitch…” Remain the only words our daughters’ mother has ever spoken directly to me. I have been doing my best to support their Dad with raising her daughters for over 6 years and I still do not know the woman. All I know is she hates me.

It doesn’t matter who I am, she was determined to hate me from the beginning. How do you have a positive relationship with that?

The kicker of the whole thing is that I understand a lot of what she does and why she does it. I made the choice for my son to live with his Dad from the age of 12. I didn’t expect the choice I freely made to be as challenging as it was. I cringe thinking about some of my own misbehavior.

This is not a noncustodial parent bashing session. There is enough of that. I have most certainly been guilty of falling into some of these common misbehavior pits.

“If you lived here…”

The ol’, “If you lived with me, that rule or expectation you dislike at home will not exist. Dress how you want. Do what you want! What’s cleaning? It’s a party here!”

Your kid is trying to talk to you. Who hasn’t been told they can’t wear something? Who hasn’t been in trouble for back talking or making bad choices when goofing off with friends? We learn through consequences.

Your child wants to be able to talk to you without feeling pressured to uproot and leave their life. They’re frustrated because they really liked that pair of excessively holy worn-out jeans they cannot wear in public anymore and want you to empathize. They are annoyed that you keep asking them if they want to live with you instead of helping them address their perfectly normal problems.

As your kiddos get older, they will be able to determine if what you promise is truthful. For example, you promise that if they live with you, they will continue to do gymnastics. When it’s your parenting time over the summer, why wouldn’t you do gymnastics and participate in your child’s skill-building and interests?

Actions are demonstrable proof you mean what you say and are able and willing to put forth that effort solely for the sake of another person. Do your kids get promises or actions?

“I don’t get to talk to my kids enough!”

Have you initiated phone calls and texts with your kids who have their own phones? Have you tried more than once? Have you shown up for their events? On time? Do you interact with their teachers? Have you ever asked for more time outside of the court order? Does your family ask for any time at all? Do you send letters or cards? Does your family call or initiate any contact?

Why do parents expect their children to put in all that effort to chase adults down and beg for time?

Adolescents are selfish turds. Grunts, sighs and one word answers are all we get for a couple years. Put yourself up front. Otherwise, they get wrapped up with their own lives. This one hurts a bit. Put in the effort. Your kids notice their family doesn’t call them.

“She sounds like a man.”

What’s with the petty negative comments? After a few years of building a relationship, all you’re doing is saying mean things about a person your child now cares about. You are creating conflict for them that doesn’t have to exist.

What example are you setting for how to treat other people? You could be putting down your biggest advocate. One of the people who reminds them to make their weekly phone calls, ensures you get school and sports pictures and remembers you around holidays.

“I will never pay you anything for them!”

This is not a child support issue. We don’t get any and the kids are doing well enough without it.

While you’re over there making promises and nasty comments, the stepmom is working the concession stand to offset the cost of your daughter’s hockey fees.

In such an environment with ever-looming hostility in the background, how does a person stay positive? The short answer is, most of us don’t. We are all imperfect.

Sometimes feelings get hurt. We all live together and go through life together. Here’s what I have learned to do in my stepmom role that is working for now. Hopefully, they agree in 10-15 years when they're looking back.

When I say something I think back on and regret how it came out; I go back and apologize.

When their mom says something that makes them feel guilty or sad, I remind them that she loves them and it hurts when you feel like you’re missing stuff.

Let the kids take credit. Those gifts they made their noncustodial parents, that $500 essay prize, their grades, recitals and sports performances; let the credit go. You’re already proud! Let the other parent brag on their munchkin and be proud, too.

Help your children express the love they of course have for all of their imperfect parents. Your kids are lucky to have __ (fill in the number) of parents to love them.

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