No Sugar Added

One of the first memories I have of my childhood is being told how pretty I was. "All the boys will be after her", family and friends would tell my dad. To which he would laugh and agree. I grew up during the age of Britney Spears. Body fat was the devil and although your worth wasn't based solely on that, let’s just say if you were fat that you better be funny too. I remember having a panic attack in 2nd or 3rd grade because I did not like how I looked before attending my own birthday party. I couldn't stomach my own stomach at the age of 8 and therefore stayed home from my own birthday party.

Body image is still oddly important nowadays. Being happy, satisfied and fulfilled as a person is hard to justify if you are fat or overweight, which I am. After 15 years of a cycle of starving, binging, over-exercising, and abusing stimulants, I finally realized I couldn't go on like that. I've stopped calorie counting, avoiding carbs, and starving myself. I feel healthier than ever emotionally and mentally but physically I'm still recovering. My heart is tired and out of shape after years of abusing it. My brain is so sick of worry and anxiety. My hormones cannot settle themselves, not knowing when I'll decide to start abusing myself again.

You'd think if you were starving yourself, you'd want the best of the best when you did eat, but it never happens that way. I never cared much for chocolate or sweets. Chocolate cake, chocolate bars, or chocolate ice cream. Through all my binge fests and cravings, the only things I wanted to do with chocolate included having massive amounts of it in one sitting after starving myself for a month. Other than that, I couldn't be bothered.

It's funny, my relationship with food. Food is almost my partner in crime and my crutch to continue to abuse myself. If I have food, I can take it as a prisoner and use it to show how much power I have. How long can I go without eating? How long can I run on no food? That will prove finally how strong I am. How much I don't need those who only saw me as a pretty face that a man would someday control. At thirty-one freaking years old, I'm still fighting the rhetoric of those around me; "She'll marry a doctor or lawyer, I just know it." or "She'll never have to work again, how pretty she is."

I want to purge my brain of my childhood like I would after a massive intake of chocolate cake. I want to erase everything I was told and heard. The idea of being thin, beautiful, and worthy in society in America go hand in hand and the damage it does is undeniable. My body is now damaged because of what I fought so hard to avoid; nourishing myself, feeding my soul and respecting my body.

I grew up dancing since the age of 5. It was always something I naturally loved to do and was talented at doing. My family encouraged me by praising me and consistently bragging to others about how great of a dancer I was. Around 5th grade, I started to begin puberty and subsequently put on some weight. Comments from my family included, “Don’t gain or lose any more weight, you look great now.” and “The models of the Renaissance looked like you, they all had belly fat!”. Although these comments may have been meant to come across sweet, they came across salty. The mere need for others to comment on my body was an imposition and I felt smothered at the thought of being perceived.

It took until this year for me to realize all of that time spent trying to be a size zero, that I was only trying to win the approval, love, and respect of those around me and the world around me. Society is so severely flawed no matter where, each flawed in it’s own specific ways. This is a small one, no doubt about it. Poor me! I hate my body and I can’t look at food as fuel! I truly do realize the silliness of my plight. That’s not to say it isn’t powerful. A whole nation of people struggle with their bodies. There are people in a nation with a surplus of food that cannot be willed to even eat for fear of not being loved. You know what I call that? Death by chocolate. Death by white bread. Death by ice cream. Death by anything that will make society view you as lesser than.