No regrets

This time it was ME.

I had to put myself first.

Every single time it was someone else. Always.

I was tired of it.

Exhausted.

I felt myself falling hard with no one to catch my fall.

I didn’t deserve this.

It hurt so much when he said it.

If only everyone else knew.

But I kept quiet and I endured the pain I received from my family.

Again and again and again.

Not anymore

I couldn’t take it.

Not this time.

Why should i?

There’s always a story behind people’s actions, if anything you shouldn’t ever push someone too far.

I looked at him and wiped my tears from my face.

Shocked.

I didn’t know what else to say.

Suffice to say that is what I expected from him.

I craved what every other daughter had. A fathers love. Maybe he did love me. But not in the way I wanted. If only he could see my pain. Feel it. How much he was hurting me with his words.

What more could I possibly say to change his mind?

He was stubborn.

But so was I.

Like father, like daughter...

.............................

I walked into the house and put the shopping in the kitchen.

I heard voices coming from the living room.

I went to have a look.

It was my husband and his older brother.

‘Salam brother’ I said. ‘How are you?’

They stopped talking and he looked over at me.

And then looked away.

RUDE, I thought to myself.

I didn’t care much so I went back to the kitchen unpacked the shopping and went up to my room.

I was bored.

It was the same thing every day.

Wake up. Clean. Cook. Eat. Sleep.

We had moved to another town.

I had no friends here.

I missed home.

I missed all my friends.

The only person I could talk to here was my husband and I hated him. I couldn’t even look at his face.

He was a bully but only to me.

He hid his real self.

He was charming to everyone else, just so no one could fault him for anything.

The bruises around my neck, my arms, legs and stomach showed different.

I never told anyone.

No one would believe me.

They would ignore it and push it to the side.

I couldn’t stand him anymore.

I had already wasted so much of my time with him already.

I would leave when the time was right.

I picked up my phone dialled my sister’s number.

It went straight to voicemail.

I sent her a message instead.

‘Hey! I want to come over.... let me know when you’re free.’

I waited for her to reply so I went on Instagram and started scrolling through the feed.

My husband barged into the room; he was acting really weird.

He looked angry

Furious even.

He didn’t say anything he just walked straight up to me.

I stood up slowly.

‘’what’s wrong?‘’ I asked.

He grabbed me from my neck and hit my head on the wall behind me.

I was so scared.

His hold around my neck grew tighter and tighter.

I felt the air escaping.

I couldn’t breathe.

I tried to move his hand away but he was too strong for me.

I scratched his hand.

Dug my nails in.

Anything.

I kicked and screamed but I felt like I was going to pass out.

I had no energy left.

He felt that and he let me go.

My legs gave way and I fell on the floor.

I was gasping for air, but he wasn’t done yet. He grabbed my hair.

His face inches away from mine. “You think that you can leave me? What made you so brave? Your dad isn’t going to allow that to happen. You know that very well.”  He sneered.

He let go of my hair and walked out of the room.

I heard him talk to his brother downstairs. They were in the hallway.

“Let’s go”. I heard him say.

I heard the front door shut and car doors open and close.

I felt weak.

I lay on the floor for a minute trying to get as much strength as I could get.

I got up to look outside the window and saw the car pull out of the drive.

I couldn’t stay here anymore.

I had had enough.

I packed a small suitcase with essentials that I would need.

I didn’t need much.

I hid the suitcase and cleaned myself up.

I started crying.

I couldn’t do this.

This would be the rest of my life if I stayed.

My face looked puffy and blotchy from crying.

My neck was red, I could see bruise marks forming all around.

How could I let him treat me like this?

I hated him.

I hated my dad for choosing this man to be my husband.

He prided himself for it.

I had to get out of this.

Now.  

I covered the marks on my neck with concealer and freshened up.

The right time was now, otherwise I was stuck here and It would only get much worse, so why wait?

What possible reason was there to stick around and allow him to treat me like this

Not anymore.

I had thought a lot over what my next decision would be.

Do I go to my parents? To my sisters?

Or do I leave without speaking to them?

If I went... they would only convince me by emotionally blackmailing me.

‘You’re a bad daughter... you don’t listen to us... you don’t think about anyone but yourself... what are people going to think?...have you even thought about our reputation?...’

No

I don’t think they would even listen to what I had to say.

I wouldn’t even be able to say it, I was scared of him.

Of dad.

He had a really bad temper, I wouldn’t even want to say or do anything for him to lose his temper at me.

I sighed.

I was sick and tired of our cultural predicaments.

As much as I loved my culture. I valued my myself, my religion and beliefs way more.

I wasn’t going to go to them.

My mind was already made.

I picked up my phone and called my friend.

She had always been there for me even through childhood, we had gone through a lot.

I was so glad to hear her voice when she answered.

‘Hey girl! How are you? I was just out with my husband.’ She said joyfully.

Little did she know that what she knew about my happily married life had been a lie.

‘Hi’ I replied, trying not to cry.

‘Could I come over, I was thinking of staying a few nights? If that’s okay?

‘Oh... Yh, sure you could, you know you can whenever you want.’ She said observantly.

‘ Great, thank you... I’ll be there in an hour. See you.’

She obviously knew that something was wrong especially since I was going to stay there a few nights.

I grabbed my keys and my suitcase and got into my car. I didn’t regret it. Not once. I had to do this for me.