Nineteen

Age: nineteen

At age nineteen, most of us are working our first jobs, fresh out of high school, exploring the real world for the first time. It's really, quite a magical place, until it isn't.

At age nineteen, I was indeed at my first job, though not fresh out of high school. See, I wasn't like most of the world, there was something different about me. School didn't interest me, it didn't hold my attention. I had discovered video games at a young age, and to everyone else's surprise, I had become addicted. So much so, that I'd go days without showering, completely enthralled and consumed by the fantasy world of whatever game I was playing.

At age nineteen, I had a haircut that, at the time, made me look like a young Justin Bieber. I'm not proud of that haircut, though at the time, I lacked self awareness. I had never participated in the cruelty of the real world. I stayed safely protected behind a nineteen inch ASUS computer monitor.

At age nineteen, I was naïve, I didn't have a care in the world, I had a job working in electronics at Walmart. I was one of two people in my department aged appropriately to have been assisting people make truly informed decisions on their purchases of consumer electronics.

At age nineteen, I didn't have a drivers license, I didn't have a car. My work shifts varied, as if management had used a dart board and a bottle of liquor to make my work schedule. I lived thirty minutes from my job, I got rides to work every day. If it wasn't my girlfriend at the time (Bethany), it was usually my sister (Joie), sometimes my step mom (Elaine).

At age nineteen, the only cruelty I had seen from the world was from my childhood that I had no memories or recollection of. Both of my parents, alcoholics. My mom, hardly ever in the picture. My dad, a functioning alcoholic.

At age nineteen, I had two best friends, one being my sister, Joie. The other being her fiancé, Keith. I met Keith through video games, somewhere around age 13, he and I had been good friends for many years. Joie, on the other hand, raised me, in the absence of our parents. We weren't your average siblings, we both shared the same traumas and experiences. We also both struggled severely with depression, and anxiety, though we didn't know what any of those words meant at the time.

We skipped school to hide ourselves from the world, to isolate. We were kids, dealing with depression from our traumas. We ended up in foster care as a result of those. We were first placed together with a family that had never encountered one of the byproducts of trauma; mental illness. We quickly learned that we didn't fit the mold of what that family had expected. We were placed with sisters that had separate homes, we were just a few houses away from one another, but those households were entirely different.

Joie's foster mother fed her, did her laundry, took her to do things. My foster mother on the other hand, did not feed me, nor did she have a functional washer and dryer. I had to feed myself with whatever scraps of food she would bring home from the bar, or whatever I could scrape together out of the empty pantry. Our caseworker didn't believe us when we told her about the conditions I was living in, for months I had to live like this, until we went above the caseworker and cried for help. We were relocated again, only this time, we were hours apart. This was the first time we had ever been separated.

Keith lived in Boyertown, PA., 5 hours away from us, in Ellwood City, PA.

Keith is a hardcore nerd, to his core. He has several diplomas in the tech field, he'd spent those years of gaming also writing code for bots, amongst other things. His life, much like mine, was spent in front of a computer screen.

Beyond that, even after the many years of playing games with him almost daily, I didn't know much about him, but we had bonded through gaming, we had become best friends, having known nothing about one another.

Joie, where to even begin..

Joie draws. Joie sings. Joie plays guitar. Joie is a photographer. Joie is a great cook. Joie has a heart of gold. Joie is adventurous. Joie is a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. Joie loves to hike. Joie loves to read.

Joie, is just as her name translates to; joy.

Most of our teen years were spent in the woods down the hill from where we lived; in the projects. We'd spend countless hours down there, we had explored nearly every square inch of the area. Whether Joie was taking pictures and I was along for the ride, or we were building a dam together at the small stream that passed through. We rode our bikes allover town, exploring every nook and cranny. We went sled riding, we found the most sketchy hills and faced them with no fear. We climbed trees. We walked barefoot in streams.

If we weren't outdoors, we were inside, listening to music, watching movies, playing video games, customizing our MySpace pages, whatever we were doing, we were always by each other's side.

You may ask, how did Joie and Keith become acquainted? Through me, of course, well, and video games. After years of watching me play video games, Joie one day had shown interest in the one I was playing at the time. I wasn't known to be a good teacher, so I introduced her to Keith. They began gaming together, they'd spend countless hours gaming and typing back and forth. (Mind you, this is before discord, or any plug and play means for voice or video communication existed).

Over time, it progressed from just playing video games together, to phone calls. They'd spend hours upon hours talking on the phone, having left video games behind. Before you know it, Keith has taken a road trip. I'm absolutely thrilled, that this person that I'd become best friends with on a video game was taking a 5 hour trip, and I finally got to meet my best friend. He stayed with us for a few days, the three of us went on hikes, we went shopping, we did all kinds of things, it was awesome. Having grown up with Joie being really my only friend, to have another physical human that I felt comfortable around, was incredible.

Fast forward several months, from what had once been video games, phone calls, road trips and weekend stays, all of a sudden, Joie is moving away, to live with Keith in Boyertown.

I'm heartbroken. My best friends are moving away, and I have no way to travel to them.

It's been months that Joie and Keith have been gone. At first, we kept in contact every day, as time went on, Joie started working, she got her first job, she's beyond excited. Texts and phone calls have dwindled over time, almost to the point of no contact. We're both working "adults" now, we hardly have a moment to spare in our busy lives to keep in touch.

Our family gets a phone call, Joie is pregnant, and they're moving back home! Everyone is thrilled that we get to see Joie again, though Keith, nobody aside from myself and Joie had much of a relationship with him.

Keith and Joie drove back to Ellwood, visited for a few days, we all caught up, shared laughs, all was well in the world. Joie, Keith, myself and my dad packed ourselves up into Keith's little blue Ford Escort, and head back to Boyertown to help them move. We rented a U-Haul, spent the day with his family there, shared a meal with them, and then prepared for our trip back home. Joie and Keith in his car, my dad and I in the U-Haul. It was rainy and windy, the drive back was terrifying to the point that I had to force myself to sleep.

We arrived back home safely, though exhausted from the trip. Joie and Keith are back home, for good, and they're not going anywhere. I got my best friends back, or so I thought.

They're back, but things aren't the same. Things feel off. Joie's contagious smile, positive attitude, and high energy seem to have faded. Maybe it's just pregnancy. She's distant, not just with me, with everyone. You can see the hurt in her eyes. Her once innocent smile, was now forced, like a puppet. She's changed.

Months of this went on, her son is born, every time I see her, she seems even more drained. It must be because of the baby. There wasn't time to catch up, she was busy taking care of her son, Keith was busy working, I was busy working. Welcome to adulthood.

May 22, 2011

Bethany drove me to work, I clocked in and went about my shift as I always did. A little over an hour later, Bethany walks up to me, I'm confused. She looks at me with a blank stare and tells me we have to go. I asked her why. Her only response "Something bad happened. We have to go." she had already talked to my manager, which she informed me on the way to the car. 10 of the total of 30 minutes from work back home, she was silent. I repeatedly asked her what happened, what's going on, having not a single clue of what she was holding back from telling me.

Bethany's lips trembling, fastened to the tears she had been holding were the words she had been trying so hard to hold onto.

"Joie's dead. He killed her."

Keith was charged with third-degree murder, and abuse of a corpse.

Because of the way the justice system works in the united states, his sentence was 10-20 years, with the likelihood of parole after 10-12 years.

Keith, in the midst of an argument over a key to their apartment (or so his statement claimed), put his hands around Joie's neck, strangling her to death. He proceeded to go back to sleep.

He claims to have woken up, realized what he had done, decided to wrap Joie's head in duct tape. He didn't want to look at her.

What none of us knew, was that he had been mentally, emotionally, and physically abusing her behind closed doors.

Joie isolated to hide her bruises, scars, and pain.

Joie isolated because she was afraid.

This was the Joie, before Keith.

This was the Joie that left for Boyertown.

This was the Joie that enrolled in the navy.

Joie was afraid of Keith.

Joie died to Keith's bare hands.

This was the Joie that came back from Boyertown.

This was the Joie that Keith didn't want to look at.

This was the Joie that lost her life due to the actions of her abuser.

It's been an incredibly long, and painful past 10 years. I've had my share of toxic and abusive relationships along the way.

I've chosen to ignore the red flags.

I've bit my tongue, walked on eggshells, just to keep the peace.

I've given up my own voice, so that others may have theirs.

Today, 5 days before my 30th birthday, I am reclaiming the power that was taken from me that day.

Today, January 24, 2022, I am sharing my story, in hopes that even just that one person who reads this, that you can walk away from that abusive relationship so that you may keep your life.

At age nineteen, the remainder of my childhood innocence was pried from my fingers.

At age nineteen, my best friend, killed, my best friend.

Joie Lyn Lordi, you are the reason that I am the person I am today. Thank you.

Joie Lyn Lordi, I miss you dearly. I love you.