Narcissism Is Murder

My headline for this story was going to be 'How To Get Over Narcissistic Abuse.' However, I'm not sure you do get over it, ever. In a way, that is because, even close to thirty years after the fact, I feel like certain parts of my past life seem to be on constant playback. And many times the best I can do is try to look away from the big internal screen and engage my traumatised mind with some other, happier past experience. 

And I have to tell you that I do think that it's maybe the same for the abuser. What they got up to in the dark distant past is something that can prey on their mind. It is a past that they would rather try to forget, for their own selfish interests.

Now I do know for a fact that my first ex suffers a certain degree of unrest. This is due to the fact that many years after she attempted to murder me, I do know that she is deeply worried that I have some material evidence of her bad intentions. The fact she thinks that I do have such proof, is certainly what helped to save me at the time. And, up to this day, it is what torments her twisted mind.

Let me bring you up to speed with exactly what happened way back in the Spring of 1995. First of all, there was a phone call that told me that my wife was having an extramarital affair with her boss at work.

Next, because of that discovery, I began to listen to her private phone calls. And thank the lord I did. On one of those calls, I heard a snippet of conversation which seemed to suggest that my life was in danger.

As a result of hearing that intimate chilling chat with her behemoth of a boss, I began to take certain safety measures. At home and away, I was extra vigilant about who was around me and what they were doing.

If I was going out, I told very few people where I was going or what I was doing. It was all on a need-to-know basis. I kept a very close eye on my rear view mirrors and would spontaneously, not to say suddenly, change my route.

At home, I watched my wife like a hawk. I never took my eyes off her for ten seconds. Not a great way to live, but if you want to live, you do what you have to.

At this point, I do have to warn you about listening to your partner's telephone calls. They do say that eavesdroppers seldom hear well of themselves, and as I was to discover, never a truer word has been said.

First of all, you have to be prepared to listen to some outrageous lies and insults about you. Hearing that from somebody you love is a very hurtful thing to experience. 

If by chance, you find yourself in a similar situation to mine, but all you want to hear is if your partner is being unfaithful, avoid listening in. There are a lot less painful ways to find out that the love of your life is a cheat. As one private detective advised me, if you think your partner is cheating, then they probably are.

Also, keep in mind that it is actually a crime to bug your phone so that you can listen to your spouse's calls. Where it may be a grey matter, is when you suspect that your life may be at risk. I am really not sure if the law would class that as a mitigating circumstance.

I went over this subject with the person who was going to supply me with what I needed to listen to her calls. Now in fact, yet another grey area is if you don't use a bug, but instead you simply install a secret second telephone and listen in live from up in the attic, what then?

Anyway, what this James Bond, Q wannabe, tekky, whizz kid said to me was very sobering. 

" Listen.....," he said. "If all you hear is social chit-chat, where is the harm? If, on the other hand, a plot to kill you is being discussed on the phone, do you want to wait until they try to execute their evil plot, or would you rather know in advance and avoid prematurely meeting your maker?"

That was more than enough to set me on the path of close surveillance. I must say, what was potentially going on was especially concerning due to the fact that we had three young children, aged five, eight and eleven. And a chilling thought crossed my mind, what if the act of killing me was going to take place in front of my children? And what if lover boy decided to kill any material witnesses, such as one of my innocent children, or indeed all three?

Thinking about this made me realise that legal or not, I simply had to listen to their calls. And if my illegal actions cost me five years in jail, well that was a darn sight better than costing my own and my children's lives.

Leading up to the attack on my life that took place, I had in a way been forewarned of what was to come, in more ways than one.

First off was when one day my mother told me that my lovely wife had told her that I was losing my mind. My mother, believing this to be so, due to my ex's convincing manner and my mother's trust in her, almost begged me to make an appointment to go and see a shrink. 

After that, I heard the self-same thing from my ex's best friend's partner. I have to point out that this smearing of me as somebody who was mentally or psychologically unbalanced, is in fact a classic Narcissistic trait. It is a laying of the ground for an evil doing to come. The hope is that your demise will be seen as an act of suicide.

The other unforgettable warning was when one day I returned home to find my father-in-law in my kitchen with my five-year-old daughter. The man very quickly grabbed a very big kitchen knife and waved it in front of my face whilst he held tightly onto me by the throat. First, he asked me what I was doing in my own home. "Errrr.....I live here huh." 

He then told me that from where he was standing, I was a lazy good for nothing who had not been pulling his weight. And then he said that I was to get out of the house I had paid for as his daughter was going to get everything, house and all, and that I was going to hell. I have to tell you, that was as scary as hell. 

I actually thought he was going to do me a mischief right there and then, on the spot. To make matters worse, my five-year-old daughter was holding on tightly to my hand as the assault took place. Luckily I managed to wriggle free and went outside to the back garden with my daughter.

I did consider calling the police to have him charged with assault with a deadly weapon. However, I did not want to escalate the situation by making him even more angry with me. Besides, I also realised that he was merely reacting to malicious lies told to him by his toxic daughter.

And so, not a week later, the attack on my life took place, at home, with three innocent souls fast asleep upstairs.

Downstairs, my wife told me that she was going for a swim at the local leisure centre. I went to the bathroom upstairs for a pee and as I made my way back down I suddenly noticed that the telephone had been disconnected underneath the hall radiator. I said nothing for the moment. 

I went into our back lounge and sat pretending to watch tv. My wife came in and went directly to the patio doors to the back garden, doors I had locked earlier. I was watching her like a hawk.

Suddenly I heard the lock being very quietly slipped open. Then off she went for her swim. I quickly re-connected the telephone and re-locked the patio doors. It looked to me like I was going to be paid a visit

I turned off the tv and all the lights and then sat back and waited. About an hour later there was an almighty bang on the front door which almost took the door off its hinges. It sounded like somebody was trying to smash their way into the house to get to me.

I jumped up in the dark and ran to the front room. Through the window, I could see a car at the bottom of the drive with three people in it. I could just make out what appeared to be my wife's silhouette in the back seat. The driver started to rev the engine very highly then took off at high speed with the tyres loudly screeching.

My youngest daughter stood on the landing trembling and in tears. "Daddy, what was that loud noise?" she said. "Daddy, I'm scared." I had to comfort her and reassure her that as long as Daddy was around she was safe. Then I took her back to her room and softly placed her back in her bed to sleep.

Only a minute or two later my wife returned home, her hair still a little wet from swimming. I told her what had happened and amazingly she seemed undisturbed by it. 

My suspicions were more than sufficiently aroused, so I told her I was going out to get some milk and bread from the late shop. However, after buying the goods, I quickly drove over to the local swimming pool.

As I suspected the pool was closed and had been all day. I went to the next nearest pool and that too was closed. Clearly, my wife had set the whole thing up. And I have absolutely no doubt her best friend and her partner, as well as my ex's lover, were all in on the whole thing. For sure my wife had wet her hair at her best friend's house. Tis a pity for my wife that she forgot to also wet her swimming costume and towel, which I checked when I got back home.

It was my belief that the intention was to break down the door. Once inside the intruder was to kill me and get out quick. And the rapid disappearance of the car was planned all along, as was my wife's sudden appearance. She would have wanted to step over my body and go upstairs to make sure that the children were still fast asleep.

At the end of the evening, I decided that for safety's sake, I had to treat it as a murder attempt. And then I thought about our lovely innocent children getting caught up in all of that. Maybe my wife and that bastard lover of hers would have also hurt or killed my children. So, in order to protect my children I had to place myself very far away from them. For my own as well as my children's safety, in a matter of two days I left for good.

To cut a long story short, some fifteen years later, on her last visit to see me, my eldest daughter suddenly blurted out, in a disapproving tone "Dad, have you still got those tapes?"

I didn't answer that question. For a start, I had never said or indicated that there ever were any tapes. More importantly, this begged the question, what exactly was my ex worried about so much that the possible existence of tapes still worried her so much? It sounded like a question indicating a guilty conscience was troubling my ex.

I think that maybe there were calls I missed, from before when I started to listen in to her calls. These could have been even more incriminating calls when my murder was discussed in greater detail. I simply refuse to believe for one moment that she is worried because I might have tapes of her speaking about the weather or the price of sausages. 

And so here I am in 2023, still after thirteen years estranged from my two daughters, with a somewhat tenuous contact with their elder brother. many times I have come very close to spilling the beans to them about their mother and what she got up to. And each time I have thought better of it.

For one, I really do not think that they would believe me, even if I was able to give them unassailable proof. Thirteen years ago, just for intimating at their mother's affair, my daughters got angry with me and have refused to speak to me ever since.

I have also considered legal action, especially since having lost my daughters I have nothing to lose. I have done a little research and discovered that attempted murder does not have any statute of limitation.

However, I am not sure if the proof that I have would be enough to warrant a prosecution. At best, the only evidence I have is my all too vivid recollections. And that simply may not be enough.

I have also considered contacting my ex and facing her with what I know for a fact. However, I would find that extremely disagreeable since I know what a lifelong, pathological liar she is, deeply entrenched in her own little world. She would simply call me a liar and insane.

In the end, I sought the advice of a lifelong male friend and he said "Do not poke the bear, Ralph. You are now living in heaven, let it go." And I know in my heart of hearts he is right.

I also have to consider my present gem of a wife and she deserves better than me dragging her into a sordid past that almost cost me my life. I know if I did do something about it, she would support me, but that is not the point. I love her so dearly that I must do my best to protect her from my past, no matter what the cost is to me.

Maybe one day the truth will come out, but in the meantime, I must simply concentrate on the wonderful life that I am living. And if the cost of protecting what I have got is that my ex gets away with attempted murder, so be it. In the words of that famous Beatles song, 'Let it be'.

One final observation; some people, upon hearing this sorry story, react with "Whatever did you do to her to make her like that?" No problem, I asked myself the same question many times over.

I didn't cheat nor abuse her, I simply devoted myself to my role as a kind and loving, sensitive and responsible, husband and father to our three children. Then one day, a very good friend of mine who is a professional psychotherapist told me "Don't beat yourself up so much, with some people you don't have to have done anything." And that was it, I finally stopped torturing myself and let myself off the hook.