MY STORY TO TELL

DIVORCE

I lied, this is most definitely the shortest chapter, out of respect for my children, I am not focusing on this too much. As things with my mother really blossomed, things with Stephanie continued to sour. I was finally free from the depression and grief that hounded me after my father had passed away. I was running my own business, even though it was up and down on how well it was doing, I was still doing it. I was now a firefighter; I was in the best shape of my life at 34/35 and I was finally able to connect with my mother for the first time in almost 30 years. Things were good. I was for probably the first and only time in my life genuinely happy with myself.

It was because of this; I was not able to accept the situation that Stephanie and I found ourselves in. We both fought and we both genuinely did not like the person that the other had grown into. We loved each other; I do not ever want that to be misconstrued. We just had grown into two different people. I was definitely a people person. I enjoyed to drink and hang with friends and neighbors and take trips and make memories. I was definitely a salesman, an extrovert and an Enneagram 8. I had just lost my father and he was only 65 years old. I learned from his passing and the many calls from the fire department that life is too short and we are never guaranteed another day.

It came to a head one day as it did almost daily during the summer of 2009 and Stephanie and I agreed that it was best we split up. Truth be told, I was mentally checked out before that but nothing was official until we both agreed on it. Well, days pass and I am still living at the house and we aren’t really communicating much other than for the children and who would keep them and so forth. Let me state the obvious, no one ever goes into marriage thinking it will end in divorce. No one, in my opinion truly hopes for divorce. It is hard on so many fronts. Well since we were officially separating, Stephanie gave me an ultimatum to find a place to live. Within an hour, I had rented a house less than a mile away. It was a small 3-bedroom house but I made sure that both Hannah and Abram would have their own room and be close enough to be with me every chance they had.

You know it is funny, actually it is sad that people want to divorce you and see the worst in you until they see others attracted to you and then they come running back. I am not going to get into the divorce too much out of respect for my kids and their mother. Let me say this, I am not an angel and I know Stephanie dealt with a lot from me. I know I handled the divorce wrong in many, many aspects and that is something I will carry with me for a long time. Truth is, we were both wrong, we both hurt each other and I like to believe that neither one of us truly meant to. Fact is we did and divorce for us was the right decision, but it most definitely was not handled correctly. I will accept the blame for that.

In the end, we both ended up with great partners who I could not honestly ask for anyone better for my kids. Both my current wife Amy and Stephanie’s current husband. They both have been so good to my kids and I am forever grateful to both of them for that. I can assure you they, they both have been through hell with the shit Stephanie and I have put each other through over the years.

Any who, I was moved out and it was just a matter of time before our divorce was final. The area in which I screwed up the most was moving on with my life. I was hurt, angry and I was ready to move on. I honestly thought to myself I would never get remarried. I was wrong. Not only would I get remarried, I would find myself loving someone I never imagined myself with.

One thing I probably don’t stress enough in this memoir, this book of secrets, is my relationship with my daughter. That relationship was the strongest relationship of anyone in my life. She was my life. From me teaching her soccer as a 4 and 5 year old to watching her become one of the most gifted soccer players around. We were always together. Every night it seemed we were together. We would take trips camping locally, backpacking in national parks, kayaking, fishing, you name it. We did it together and a majority of the time it was just the two of us. That is until Abram was old enough to join in. Even then it was the 3 of us most of the time. For what ever reason, Stephanie rarely joined us. I was totally fine with that. It was my time with the kids and they were most definitely my life. Problem with that is, when I was going through my divorce, I started to see that I talked to Hannah like she was an adult, even though she was a child. Instead of protecting her and shielding her from the ugliness of divorce, I sat her in the front row. Biggest regret of my life. In all actuality, my divorce was more from Hannah than it was from Stephanie and I think that is what hurt Hannah so much. She was always the number one girl in my life and for the first time ever, she started finding herself having to share me. Holy fuck, she was not happy about it. She was most definitely torn and her life as she knew it was forever changed. I made the worst mistake of my life by moving on too fast and not letting time pass first. My mantra of never lying to my kids was being taken too far. I should have protected them and shielded them from the divorce but I didn’t. I am so ashamed of that and I will forever regret that. Probably one of the only regrets I have in my life. I don’t regret much, but that is most definitely the biggest. Abram had just turned 6 years old when I moved out. He was much younger than Hannah who was 12. He wasn’t fazed too much at the time of the divorce.

As Stephanie and I were separated and had agreed to see other people and move forward with our separation, I started to see other people. I actually saw one other person briefly. She was a divorced mother of one and we had a good friendship. She helped me keep my sanity and reassured me things would be ok. I was interested in her, well I thought I was until I kindled up a friendship with the most unlikely of people. Again, funny how God works things out. Only arrogant fucks like me think we are actually in control of anything in life. We aren’t. Things always work out, that is one thing I have come to believe in my life.