My Mother

Dear Mom,

You are my hero. I know I don't say it, but your strength is awe-inspiring. When I was a child, and dad left, I never saw you flinch. I was young, but I still remember the look of determination on your face as we had that garage sale. It was before we moved in with Mema and Papa. If you cried I never saw it.

Soon after that Miles showed up. I did not like him at all. But you showed me that, as your son, I came first. I know I was difficult, but you never lost your cool with me. You also never let me feel like Miles was trying to replace my dad. Even when dad continued to miss our phone calls you never compared them.

When we moved into Miles' parents you tried everything you could to make me happy. I was even more difficult at this time and you never let it show. And you never let your frustrations about my dad continuing to not call me trickle down back to me. You even made excuses for him when I said I didn't care about him anymore. You never said anything mean about him, at least not around me. You are the reason I kept trying to have a relationship with him. It wasn't until he moved back to Texas, and I became an adult, for that to happen. But it was because of you that it happened. And I truly appreciate it.

After that I ended up moving to Tennessee to live with him. Which I wish I had not done. You called me every single week. Sometimes more than once. You even sent me care packages on a regular basis. I still have the first Harry Potter that you sent me. But after I came back I found out you had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I felt like it was my fault, but after I said something to you about it we had that heart-to-heart. You tried everything to dissuade me of that thought. And I still feel that I am the reason.

When I did come back, and start having panic attacks, you once again did everything you could to help. You found me a therapist and psychiatrist. You even helped get me into that school that let you go at your own pace. At every step you have been there to show me what strength looks like. And I thank you for that. I wouldn't be here without you.

Since your diagnosis I have watched you seem to get stronger every day. Not only did you do everything for me, the baby of the family, but you also helped my brother and sister through their tough times. I don't know if they tell you how much you mean to them, but I know neither of them would be here without you. Your strength keeps this family going. And you somehow keep going.

When Papa passed I thought you were going to break down. You did cry, but you also stayed strong. Probably for Mema and the rest of us. You never let your hurt show. At least not to me. You then stayed strong when my dad passed in 2020. I didn't break down, like I thought I would. I don't know if that happened because I'm heartless, or because you showed me how to do it. I still haven't broken down, but when I told you I felt like a bad son you just listened. After I poured my anger towards myself out you hugged me and said we all grieve differently. You also said that you know I loved him and that he knew it.

I may be biased, but you are the best mother on this planet. I don't deserve the unconditional love you keep giving me. I messed up, again, today and all you said when I apologized was "It's okay". I don't think it is. I wish I knew of some way to show you how much I truly appreciate and love you. But for once I am lost.

Love,

Your baby boy!