My Life In Song

Prologue

They say that there is always at least one memory as a kid that you will never forget. I sit back at times and think, “What is something that you really remember from your childhood?” and for a while, I drew a blank. Then, one morning, I woke up from a dream in tears. I remembered.

“They can take a bath together,” Aunt Shirley said.

I was maybe three or four. I can’t remember the exact age. They helped us undress and put us in the tub together to take a bath. In retrospect, this was not out of the ordinary. I mean as a kid, this happens a lot. You’re young. It saves time. Just throw as many kids as you can in the tub and allow them to bathe together.

We bathed. We played with toys. I’m sure we talked, but I mean, I was really young. I couldn’t tell you what we actually talked about even if I wanted to. I don’t remember words, but I remember actions. I remember the actions very well. I don’t know how it started, but I remember my cousin climbing on me. I was face down in the tub. I remember pushing to get him off of me, but he was also the larger of us two. I fought a lot. I remember hearing our bodies hit the sides of the tub. I remember hearing the water hit the floor. I remember the water splashing on my face. I also remember the bathroom door opening fast.

He jumped off of me, but it was too late. My mom saw my cousin on me. She laughed. I don’t think she saw it as a terrible thing. I mean we were kids. I’m sure in her eyes, we didn’t know better. Maybe it was the start of her not taking certain things seriously in my upbringing. Either way, she was alone in finding it funny.

People know me. They know my father and they know that he loves me, but people also don’t know that the first and only time that my dad has ever hit me was on this day. I don’t remember what he said. I just know that despite actually not doing anything, I was hit for what he thought I did. I was hit for what he thought I was. I was hit for what he thought I would become. This was when I was first taught that being gay was wrong. I was too young at the time to believe that I was gay. I was too young to think that I would end up being gay. Hell, I was too young to know what gay was! I was not, however, too young to know that I did not want to be whatever gay was because whatever gay was, came with punishment.

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We all have a story. No matter if you think it is a good story or a bad story, this is my story. Your reading experience here will be a little different. Chapters will alternate from chronicling certain events as I progressed through life to journal entries that I have written over the years - All of which will lead up to the present day. All chapters, much like journal entries that were written years ago, are named after songs.