My Journey to Motherhood

My journey to motherhood began later than most. I was married when I was 33. I was finished with school and almost done with my PhD program. The man I married lived in Florida so I picked up and moved across the US to be with him. We wanted a family right away, but it did not happen.

During the time we did not have kids I focused on working. I was a school counselor, and worked mostly in the elementary schools. My friends and other women around my age were having kids, and their lives were busy with their kids. I was left out. They were kind to me, but would do play dates with other moms. I guess they figured I just did not understand. Sure I took care of my sisters kids. Even my baby sister who was 10 years younger had kids.

We moved back to Utah for work and to be near my family. My sisters would let their kids come over for us to do things with, and my niece became like my daughter. She would go on family vacations with us, and do everything with us. It still wasn't the same.

My husband and I decided to go through the CPS. We could do foster care and maybe adopt. We told the worker that we desired to adopt and have a family, so they did not call us to place children. They though we would block reunification.

We got involved with fostering the other kids who had behavior issues. We had a 17 year old boy, a 14 year old boy and an 8 year old boy. Each of them had their own issues. It was a full time job. They kids were not mine though and would never be. It was not the same. My friends didn't want to do play dates with older kids who acted out.

It was a time that I would not trade though. We helped the kids we had and made memories with them. When we were done with the three we had one boy who was amazing. He did not have any behaviors and was a great kids. I did not understand why he was in the program. He was 14 years old though and my friends had young kids.

After the boys we had two girls 16 years in age. That was the hardest period of my life. We ended up having to move one of the girls. The other that stayed was with us for a short period of time.

Through it all I still wanted children of our own. It had been 10 years we were married and no kids.

One day my emotions were off the rocker. I went to the doctor after having mood swings and feeling bad. The doctor gave us the news we were pregnant. I called my husband he was working out of town. I told him we were going to have kids. We both were so excited.

A few weeks past and things just were not right. They did an ultra sound and found the egg did not implant. I had a miscarriage. My husband was still out of town. I called him with the news.

The next week was crazy. I had up and down emotions. I would yell at my niece and nephew for no reason. They were staying with us from Peru to practice English. I ended up kicking them out of the house. I was acting crazy. I went back to the doctor and told them my symptoms. She did another pregnancy test. It came back positive. At this point she said she could not find where the embryo was growing. It was a pregnancy of unknown location.

Pregnancy of Unknown Location

The doctor came in the room. She looked somber. "I have to give you a shot now".

"Why, what's going on", I asked. "Is it going to hurt the baby".

"With this type of pregnancy you will not be able to carry the baby", she said looking at me with sympathy.

"Can't you just get the embryo and plant it in the uterus?", I asked hopeful.

"No, this is not posible, and you can not let it keep growing or it will kill you", she said getting the shot ready.

"Can I think about this?", I asked.

"No, I need to give you this shot and you should have a period with in a day", She replied.

Crying I was given the shot. Inside my heart was breaking. This was our child. My husband and mine. How could this be happening. Years earlier I had a problem with a tumor on my right ovary and it had to be taken out. They took the whole right side, now I just had my left side and I was getting older my mind rushed "what if I could never have another chance" I thought. My husband was still out of town so I went home expecting the pain and the miscarriage to happen.

Two weeks later and there was nothing. They did another test. I was still pregnant. The embryo wanted to live. What was going to happen next?

The doctor came into the room and explained to me that I needed to have an operation. They would go in and search for the embryo and then take it out. "I think the fetus wants to live", I told her with a little hope.

"You both will die", she said "You are scheduled for Monday".

My husband came home and I told him what was going on. I cried and it hurt, but now I had someone to share my grief with.

We got a call two hours before the scheduled time. "I need you to come in now", the Doctor said.

So off we went. We checked in and went though all of the waiting. Finally they took me into the surgery room and I was out. When I woke up I was in a hospital room. My husband was their. I cried. He told me during the surgery they ran in and asked him if I had any diseases. I asked him why they would do that. he said "when the Doctor opened you up they touched the bulge in the tube and it exploded. If we would have been any later you would be dead.

I was grateful for this, but still I lost the fetus. "We will get another chance or we can adopt", my husband said.

"It cost so much to adopt, and DCFS will not work with us in placing a baby", I cried.

"You are alive and that is all that matters now", he said.

We stayed the night and then went home. Friends and family were supportive, but we still did not have a child. I did a memorial garden for both of the babies.

Time past and I had many surgeries with different things happening. I survived them, but never got pregnant again. I had to get a hysterotomy. I knew we would never have a child. My spirit was crushed. I felt that I would be a mom most of my life and with everything I felt my womanhood and was taken away. I had a big void that nothing but a baby could fill.

Friends kept having kids, and I would go to their shower and feel lost. I was hurting.

One day my husband and I were out of town when we receive a call from one of our close family friends. "I am pregnant and already have a child. I feel this baby is to be with you and Daniel".

My heart came alive again. "Are you serious?", I asked.

"Yes", she said. "I have talked with my sister about it and we both think this baby is to be yours".

The young women will never know how much I love her and am grateful for her choice to help me be a mom. Since then she has become my angel and helped me have one more.

The words do not exist to express how grateful I am to her. A love that is pure and eternal is all I can say.

To all the women out their who can not have children. I know how you feel I have been their, but if a young girl who can not raise a child choses live for their baby, and adopts it too can fill a void in your heart.

To all the selfless young women out their who know that they can not take care of a child and need someone to step in, there are women who's souls are crying out for you.