My Friend Ghosted Me After My Mother Died

A few years ago, I met someone at a writing retreat whom I thought would be in my life forever. This might sound a tad over-the-top, but when you have a connection with someone, you hope it never goes away. And for a period there, it didn’t.

Claire and I became very close. We bonded over our mutual love of David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive. We gave each other feedback on our writing. We share stories about our endearingly crazy families. We went for cocktails at least once a week and we discussed our lives, our projects, favourite films, which TV shows we are currently watching and everything in between. We then decided to do a project together. Without going into much detail – it is still sort of hush-hush at the moment -, it was a big deal and it meant a lot to both of us. And we kept going for cocktails.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer in March of last year. The last time I saw Claire was July. Until recently…

I live in London, which may or may not account for our sudden lack of contact, as it is, without question, one of the busiest cities in the world. But that wasn’t the case before. We always managed to hang out. We always managed to text. It never used to take her two weeks to reply.

For months, I kept telling her we should go for coffee. We should go see a movie. We should go to the theatre. You know, the things we used to do. She wouldn’t reply for days, and then when she did reply, there was always an excuse. When I bought my houseboat, I invited her over many times. She never came. I mean, who doesn’t want to hang out at a houseboat?!

When my mother died, she texted me offering her condolences. She was calling me ‘hun’ and ‘love’ again. Then, my grandmother passed away and Claire, once again, offered her condolences. After a few texts back and forth, I expressed that I could not wait to get back to London. When I did return, after three gruelling months, there was radio silence. I texted her saying I was back, then again saying we should meet, and then two weeks later, she finally replied. Apparently, she was just suddenly very, very, very busy and there was absolutely no time to meet an old friend… When her dad died, I was there for her. I was sure she was going to do the same for me.

When we met up recently at an event, none of this came up. I asked what she’d been up to and she listed her many projects, which were the exact same ones as before. I was sort of hoping she might have gotten some amazing job that she just forgot to tell me about, or that she was working on a film overseas or something like that, but no. Nothing in her life had changed, at least not in any tangible way that would account for her sudden lack of time. When I deliberately let the conversation die down, hoping she would try and break the silence with the elephant in the room, she didn’t. She never offered an explanation as to why we weren’t hanging out anymore, or why she suddenly stopped contact with me after the deaths of my mother and my grandmother, when I needed her the most. There was no acknowledgement on her part as to why we clearly are not the same as we used to be, even though we both know it. I kept waiting for her to bring it up but she never did. And neither did I. It’s not my job.

It's not your job to keep a friendship going when the other person doesn’t want to. It’s not your job to make all the effort. And it’s not your job to wonder why that is. Live your life and focus on the people who are there for you. They deserve your attention. Claire doesn’t deserve mine.