My Fear

As a child I was terrified for my life, yet no one stopped to hear me. There was no help for a little black child in the south. The pain, fear, and anxiety that I could not understand ran through my blood stream deeper than any substance I could force through it. All I could see was his face. His eyes. Him..

He entered my life as genuine as any man, yet in his eyes I always saw terror. Only I saw him as he truly was, not my mother nor my siblings, only I. Or perhaps they did and decide to live through it. Though the first shot was minimal, it has never been forgotten. The rage in his eyes let out and became the base of my existence. Frozen in silence I watched as he abused his strength apon a boy, my protector..my brother. Unable to comprehend what was in front of me I experienced an out of body experience for the first time. As I returned to my body the uniformed protector we called upon informed us he could not help us. He simply walked away from a terrified household and left the predator there at arms length.

As everyone resumed their activities I felt fear. In the classroom I felt fear. On the playground I felt fear. And the most terrifying fear was going home. I simply lost focus and all I felt was fear. As time went on these shots continued.

One year later my mother decided to run. The second most terrifying night of my life. It was the cusp of night when my mother woke my brother and I. Delusional and tired all I knew was to wake up and get ready quietly. My brother understood clearly and was prepared for what was to come. She came back fully dressed and slipped us out of the front door with instructions on meeting her at the end of the street while she drives the car out of the garage ally. I was only 8 and didn’t know what was going on. As my brother and I walked down the street quietly he heard something very loud. Whithout a beat he grabbed my small body over his shoulders and ran so fast I fully awoke in fear. As we got closer to the corner to meet our mother I realized my mother was being chased by our predetor. My brother rushes us to the car and closed the door as the figure of that monster approached our window. As my heart pounded all I could see was his anger. That look in his eyes never fades and still haunts my nightmares. Why am I still scared? Why can’t I exhale this stress inside my soul? Why can’t I breath...