My father and I

　　 For a long time, I have wanted to write about my father, but despite this strong desire, I have not been able to do so. When I picked up the pen, too many things came to my mind, too many memories, too many deep emotions, and I even felt like crying, but the tears finally did not flow. My feelings for my father are some respect, some love, some fear, and some resentment, so complicated that I can't tell them apart.

　　 My father is a migrant worker, when I was young I didn't know there was such a thing as a "migrant worker", so I said he was building houses for others. When I was young, I was afraid of my father, because as long as I did something wrong or did not do my homework, I would be beaten, so as long as my father gave the order, I would be honest, I was really afraid of the teacher at school, but back home afraid of my father! I remember one summer vacation, I came home with a bunch of homework left by the teacher, and I was so excited. At that time, my father was building a house for someone else and had no time for me. I still remember the feeling of floating and playing all day. At that time I never thought about the "money" problem, but my father knew that his shoulders were carrying the family. When the weather was hot, I would look for a shady place to play, but I never thought about the fact that my dad was dealing with bricks and cement in the sun, with nowhere to hide. Soon school will start, Dad asked me if I finished my homework, I lied, we all know how to say it, "finished", oh this is my answer. Life's most bitter this day came - March 1, homework a little did not write, was named by the teacher, called the parents. Ha ha needless to say, also know what is the result of going home, for the first time have no desire to go home, but can not help it. The family is busy, grandpa, grandma, grandpa, grandma all came, why, because the mother knows my fate ah, but love the son, hope in the relatives, but unfortunately this beating or did not escape.

　　 The next thing you know, I'm in junior high school, and my grades are getting worse every day, and I've learned to fight, smoke, surf the Internet, have girlfriends, and sleep in class every day. In the beginning, the teachers still control me, and then they do not care, if I go to school or not, no one will ask, and will not be called parents, the last semester passed in such a confused manner. Until the start of the next semester, I did not go, really can not read, and I dropped out of school. My father persuaded me to say "study hard, well now it's not too late to regret, you can change schools", I did not agree. At that time, there was a feeling, or perhaps an illusion - my father shed tears, and now I do not know whether it is true or not. When I was young, I only thought that my dad was a Transformer, and Ultraman doesn't cry. At home idle some time, I found a job, running a business white elephant, dry for a long time. After a lot of work, Dad no longer says to me, because he knows that I grew up.

　　 That day, when I came home, I saw pieces of glass windows, doors, TVs, pots and pans and bowls spilled all over the house, such a scene is still fresh in my mind now. I stood dumbfounded, afraid to enter the door, my grandmother came out and took me to his house, I cried I asked what happened, my grandmother did not say, I asked my mother were, my grandmother said in the home of the big mother, I wanted to go to my mother, my grandmother accompanied me to go. Seeing my mother's face bruised and indistinguishable, I cried, I knew my mom had been beaten again, and this time I finally couldn't help but shout out, "I hate you, I hate you!" He just looked at me without saying anything. I hated him, for the first time, hated him, hated why he hit my mom again, hated him so much that I wanted to go beat him, hated him so much that I didn't want to call him dad, hated him so much that I didn't want to forgive him! Because of the drinking, every time he got drunk, he hit people, every time he said he would never drink again, but every time he broke his word, I also wanted my mom to divorce him, but my mom would forgive him every time, but at that time I couldn't.

　　 I finally decided to go out to work, my dad was very opposed to it, saying that I didn't have to worry about it near home, I said nothing to agree, that was the first time I argued with my dad, the argument was very heated, probably because of the resentment in my heart, but also probably the rebellious heart, eventually, he couldn't stop me. I left, alone, with no one to see me off, I know I broke their hearts, but at that time my heart was hurting too. When I sat in the cab to the station, I cried and turned around and saw my dad's figure, and it was hard to describe my complicated feelings. Initially to a shopping mall in Shenyang as a security guard, and later changed a lot of jobs, but also made a lot of friends, I cried, laughed, happy, and sad ...... that year, almost not much contact with home, New Year's time, Dad called me, said: "Come back, New Year's ", I excused that this work back can not tell him not to drink, not good for the body, but also let him take care of my mother, and my mother talk when I cried, really have a lot to say, but do not know how to say, I hung up the phone. That's why I didn't go home for 3 years.

　　 Three years later I was ready to go home, I told my family and also my friends. The night before I left, my friends threw a party and we stayed up late. The next day, my friends sent me to the station, and when I got on the bus back to Huludao, Xin Yu made a phone instruction with her hand, to tell me to call them and to contact them often. I only slept for a while on the way, and was in a very bad mood, feeling very lonely and isolated. It didn't take long to get to Huludao station, I didn't expect to see the first person I saw out of the station was my dad, the dirt dress, a look at the run from the construction site, see dad's heart is a pain, 3 years of time dad became black, a few wrinkles on the forehead, but also a little gray hair, looks a lot older. The father came over to get my bag, and we took a taxi home, on the way dad chatted, and I listened to the clouds. When I arrived home, my mother was in and out of the kitchen alone, very happy look, my mother saw me back, and kept looking up and down, and said I was fat, high, hush-hush look, as if very afraid of inattentive I left again until I jokingly said "pot smoking", my mother only remembered that they were cooking. The father also did not return to the site, and made a phone call happy to say: "My son is back, today will not go". At the dinner table, Dad wanted me to have a drink with him, but I still had palpitations about the past and had to smile reluctantly and refuse Dad's kind offer. That day, grandpa and grandma also came, they asked me how I was doing outside, whether it was bitter I wanted to say that there were many times I wanted to come back, but the words came to my mouth and swallowed, I just jokingly responded, at night when I went to bed, mom asked me if I still hated him, I did not answer, but also just smiled, I also asked myself more than once, I do not still hate him, but I am still confused myself. The first time I felt good about going home was when I was floating around for three years, and only my heart knew what it was like.

　　 After I grew up, I gradually understood that a father's love is as selfless as a mother's love and does not ask for anything in return. Father's love is like a mountain, it is silent and invisible, and only those who are attentive can experience it. I didn't understand this phrase before, but I didn't feel it until after one incident. Once to visit a friend in the hospital, saw a woman crying, crying so heartbreaking, there is a man beside her, anxiously staring at the emergency room, through the glass door I saw a little girl lying inside, with oxygen, several doctors beside her busy ...... I think the girl should be their child, the man is very The man was very anxious but pretended to be calm, hugging the woman and comforting her. Out of curiosity to see more, a friend, I could not help but talk to him about it. We met at the driving school, he is much older than me, but also a man who is almost a father. He said that the man is holding back tears, if he is as vulnerable as the woman, the family will not be able to carry up, he is not worried about their children, but he must pretend to be strong. After listening to his words, I seemed to see my father standing in front of me, that childhood memory of the Transformers, that Ultraman, that robot that does not cry, just miraculously came to mind. I came home at night and asked my mom, "How's Dad?" I don't know what I'm talking about, I want to know in the eyes of Mom, Dad in the end like a man, but Mom smiled, she said: "so many years are your father carried over alone, for you, he had to do, you grow up to start a family, he has to earn you a building out ah, now our conditions are not good, while still able to move to earn more money, and so you grow up Not too suffer ......"

　　 Yes, for so many years, Dad never gave up fiddling with those steel and concrete works, there have been people to introduce light work, but he refused. Dad said that although these jobs are dirty and tired, and not looked after, it is fast money, he wants his son to live a good life ...... think about that sometimes when you get home, tired of forgetting to eat the meal on the father, my heart like a pinprick of pain! The father's love is as selfless as the mother's love, but different from the mother's love everywhere overflowing, it will not be readily said, not to mention regarded as a special show off, but it is everywhere.

　　I only blame my youthful ignorance, I hope it is not too late to understand.

　　 I will always remember how warm the hands on my shoulders were when the wind was up and the rain was down; I will always remember how broad the chest that allowed me to cry and fight was in the face of outsiders' disdain and family misunderstandings; I will always remember how fragile the backbone that carried me through my growth was when it was no longer upright through the weather. Dad, it is you with hard years in exchange for my carefree and happiness, it is you who has worked hard all his life and paid too much for his son. You never say tired, you are silent, Dad, please forgive my son's naughtiness, forgive my son's immaturity, forgive my son's once reckless, Dad, my son sincerely says to you: sorry! At the same time, thank you!

　　 I wanted to say a long time ago that the moment I did get into a cab and saw your figure, I didn't hate you anymore.