My Dearest Son

My Dearest Son,

I remember when we were always on edge with our nerves, worked to the max, uncertainty of when you were arriving. How the contractions hurt, and yet I just wanted to see your face. January and cold, it had been snowing off and on. Hours before we got to the hospital, I couldn’t sleep. We had false alarms and your dad wasn’t sure if this time was legit. I tossed and turned all through the night and the pain was unimaginable. Unknowingly, I dilated to a five before throwing in the towel; telling your dad to let’s go, it’s time.

I’ll never forget the minutes and hours leading up to your birth. The moment your dad chased down a nurse in fear of losing you; because your heart rate was dropping fast, at a quick rate. Time was against us; and panic setting in. Not knowing what was to come, we wanted you. Oh, my dear boy, how we wanted you. Rushed into emergency surgery and the medication not fully working: feeling the slice, pull, and tug. My voice belting out the loudest scream of pain. Tears flowing down our cheeks, praying together waiting to hear your tiny cry. Silence killing us, unsure if you were still with us.

Then the world stopped, and your little voice echoed the most beautiful cry we had ever heard. Relief and joy. I wanted to hold you, but I only got to see your face before my world became dark and lonely. Here we are, now, and my world is again dark and lonely. This time it’s because your dad and I can’t seem to get along. Oh, how we have tried. Misunderstandings, loss of passion and love for one another. You are two and a half and I’ve spent the last eight months apart from you.

Trying to make your world better. Trying to show you that you can grow up in a loving environment, without hearing us fighting or arguing, seeing my tears or our sadness. Your dad and I grew apart. We didn’t value each other anymore. We took for granted the time we had together. I reminisced on the beautiful memories of us as a family. October is almost here and autumn leaves falling soon. Halloween approaching fast and I wonder what you’ll be. I wonder if I will be a part of that. Last year we were a family and you were Scooby-Doo. This year our family is broken, and our hearts shattered with the mess your dad and I created for you.

Tears flow from my eyes and my heart longing for you; wondering if somehow this will get better for you, wondering if I did enough. My sacrifices for your wonderful life of joy and happiness are worth the tears at night when I’m not holding you. Someone had to make the fighting stop. Someone had to realize that you need to grow up in an environment full of love. To witness those around you be loving and kind. I tried to resolve our problems and make it work. I feel, at times, I didn’t try hard enough. It’s a joint effort to be together and a joint effort to make it work. We stopped working as a team long before you were born. I’m sorry we didn’t realize that before you were born.

I’m sorry mommy isn’t there when you are sick, that I’m not there when you wander through the house calling out mom, mom, when you can’t sleep at night and just want to be held but can’t find me, when we played the music loud and owned the living room floor dancing away, that your books remain un-read because we don’t have story time anymore, when you get in the cabinet to grab a box of brownie mix and a bowl wanting mommy to make brownies with you. In your moments of being just a little boy playing and want mommy to get on the floor to share your imagination. When I’m doing homework and you want to show me you can draw and use my study notes. I’m sorry mommy isn’t there to hold you to make you feel safe and loved. Those nights when you have to have mommy’s face close so you can sleep. Oh, how mommy wishes to be there and be the mommy I was before and so much more. Baby boy, mommy is here and mommy loves you. I just want the best for you and I’m trying everything to make that happen. You deserve to grow up in a world of innocence, to have so much love around you and never feel sadness. That dad and I can carry your burdens and always help you remain a child at heart for as long as possible. No child deserves to grow up too fast or to feel the weight of the world.

My dearest son, one day this will pass. One day mommy and daddy will be best friends. Some way or another we will work together to make you happy and a very loved little boy. We owe that to you because you never asked to have us fighting or your family torn apart. It’s our job to make everything right for you and I won’t ever stop trying. I won’t ever be perfect but mommy is trying and growing as a person.

Stay little, baby. Don’t grow up on me too fast. Mommy has so much to catch up on and so much love to give. I look forward to making memories and seeing you remain in a constant state of happiness.

Love always,

Mommy