My Comfort, My Zone

We had a tough time.

I was at the lowest of my lows when we met. He was old. He was not shiny. Or loud. He was just there in the corner, waiting for somebody to take notice of him. And I did. I’m not really sure if he would like me. I was a mess. I needed somebody to depend on.

He witnessed my crazy moments. He was my favorite companion if I wanted to rant and cry my heart out. With him, nobody will know. The moments of my insanity were just between the two of us.

He was a good listener. He didn’t whine if I sang a Kelly Clarkson or a Fergie. He knew I wouldn’t and couldn’t hit their notes, but he didn’t care. He just let me be. I think he counted the number of times I sang Big Girls Don’t Cry. Yet, he didn’t complain. If he could pat my back while I sing those songs and cry buckets of tears, he would.

Every day was a long drive from work to home. How many sad songs to fill in the hour? How many spoken thoughts have he listened? I can only do that with him. I can have a litany without him having to argue. That is how understanding he was. He just kept me safe. Always on the right lane, always on the right speed.

He was relieved every time we got home. I would wear my usual smile, ready to change my persona to one strong mom. He always did a good job. He brought me home. Safe. And able. I needed to be. There is a little girl waiting for her mom after a day’s work.

I didn’t noticed how months passed by. And years. It was difficult. After sometime, I just got used to the pain and became numbed. That’s how I survived after a broken marriage. There was no shortcut. I just let myself be. Drowned. Dramatic. Thrived. Every moment of it all, he was the star witness. He was dependable, reliable, and trustworthy. For four long and insufferable years, he was the best friend I needed. I was the all-talk, he was the all-ears.

The time came for us to part ways. At last, he said. I sensed the exasperation. It was already becoming unbearable for him to see the miserable me. The see-saw of emotions was finally coming to an end. During the last year of our togetherness, there was already sunshine. No more sad songs, only happy ones. The little girl that is always at the back seat was now the one singing her joyful melodies.

I was now ready to move on to the next phase of my life - that phase where I would leave everything behind and build a whole new life. The life I deserve. The life I want to give to my little girl.

He was proud of me. We came a long way. We both know it was time for a fresh start. I was not unhappy to leave him. He had been nagging me to get a life. I know he will treat the next person the way he treated me.

I am not sure if he was still in my hometown. I am already around 5000 miles away. In my next visit home, I will be glad if I could see him around. Even from afar.

“Thank you,” I will just say. It will always be gratitude in my heart every time I remember him, and how I sing and cry the toughest days of my life with him.

I call him Matrix. He was my old Hyundai Matrix. He was silver and a hatchback. He was six years old when I got him. Somehow, still stylish. But most importantly, dependable.

He was not a person. But he was there when I needed one.