My Brothers' Death Changed Everything.

For almost eighteen whole years of my life I hated kids, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with babies or any type of care for any other being than myself; My home life was nothing less than utter chaos all the time, I grew up with six siblings and being one of the middle children I often got overlooked and forgotten about; So I took that and kept to myself in the growing years, to the point where my siblings problems didn't affect me as much anymore or maybe I didn't pay attention. I know now looking back before my brothers death that I definitely didn't pay attention, his days were much darker than mine, his wounds were deeper, and he was exhausted day in and day out. He was using drugs and alcohol to numb the tremendous amount of pain his mind was in, and the sad part is that we all saw it and none of us really made an effort to get through to him or even stop him. I can't remember much about the days prior to his car crash except blind teen rage, I do remember a dream or a premonition; It was my brother getting into a brutal car wreck, barely surviving but walking away alive from death's doorstep. And this wasn't the first time a dream of mine became a reality; a couple years prior my elder sister was hit head on in a drinking driving accident, I dreamt that she would be hit and wouldn't survive. Both times I knew my siblings would get into a car accident/incident but the outcomes were reversed from what was predicted. I can recall the exact moment I knew my brother would be leaving without us, my family had already rushed to the hospital we were all frazzled and running into the intensive care unit trying to encourage him to fight for his life. We tried everything and anything, but some time around two a.m. there was a code blue issued which I can only assume meant all of his systems were failing at that time. I remember looking at the ticking clock and a thought that wasn't my own popped into my mind, "nothing good ever happens after two a.m." and that's the moment I believe my intuition told me that my brother would be letting go. It wasn't until over an hour later at three twenty three a.m. that he passed away, it was like a scene out of movie; My moms best friend, who up until that point had been all giggles and jokes, went to confirm with his doctors and when she came back around the corner with tears welling up, no words needed to be said. He was gone, I dropped to the waiting room floor, threw my glasses, and sobbed my heart out. I never cried so ugly in my life before, never seen my dad cry till that moment, I fully felt that chunk of me go with him as his soul left his body. Walking into his hospital room, seeing him eerily lay peacefully was heart wrenching, feeling his still chest that was still warm from his heart beating moments ago is a feeling that I could never forget no matter how hard I try. I didn't realize it at that moment but his death altered my life entirely, not solely in the physically aspect but my entire perspective on life and death was forever changed. At first I was very angry at the world, at myself, even my family; I hated everything and everyone all because my big brother died, there was however one small ray of sunshine peeking through the dark skies; My nephew, the last living breathing essence left of my brother. Oliver had only turn one a month prior to his fathers passing, his smile was the only reason I got out of bed, his laugh healed my heart as much as it ached, that's when my perspective on children completely shifted. The tiny human I once viewed as a demon goblin was promoted to a prince on a throne, but I'm sure in his eyes he was already on that throne. I know that I definitely didn't cherish my brothers life as well as I should have, that's why dead people receive more flowers because regret is stronger than gratitude. It took a horrible tragic death for me to fully appreciate my family and people surrounding me, after that I knew that at any point in time anyone could be ripped out of my life unexpectedly so I vowed to cherish them and try to fully show my gratitude. I took the morals my brother held so close to his heart and implanted them into mine; if someone needs a five then I'll give them a ten, someone needs a jacket I'll rip mine off my body, when someone I love is having a horrible day I'll sneak a twenty in their wallet and deny at all costs that it was me. It's almost been three years since my brother left his humanly shell, to think this time three years ago my brother was still alive is bizarre considering it feels like eons since I've heard his voice, or smelt his cologne, or to have his arms wrapped around me in a big bear hug. My family has gone a thousand days since my brother passed away, and for me personally it changed everything. In this moment of time, I don't live for myself, I don't keep fighting this fight of life for myself I've been doing it for the people I love and have lost. I adore and cherish the children I'm surrounded by and hope for my own someday, they give me extra light to fight the darkness that resides in my mind. Everyday I have to remind myself what Ryan would say on his bad days, "everyday above the ground breathing is a beautiful day." I would still take his place in a heartbeat but I know that won't happen, even though the pain will never fade away I'm grateful for the eye-opening knowledge his death has taught me.

Everyone I love will know exactly who you are, they'll hear your stories and we'll share laughs and cry in your memory. And your name will never be forgotten, for it's Ryan who even in death teaches his baby sister how to live.