Mother to Mother

Dear Mom,

I know we haven’t talked in a while, if three years can be counted as ‘a while’, but I need you to know.

I need you to know that I’m okay, that I wasn’t tricked or manipulated into running away. I want you to know that I saw the missing persons ads on social media, oh how I’ve changed from the picture you used in the ad. Would you even recognize me now? I doubt it. Part of me wants to scrap this letter all together thinking it’s better you didn’t know what’s become of me and keep the perfect image you had of me in your mind, honour student, track team star, precious.

Only a few days I had felt my heart stop when I didn’t see my daughter in her room napping were I left her. She was hiding behind the bed to suprise me like the mischievous girl she is but I still couldn’t let her out of my sight for a solid hour later. Is that how you felt when I left? Felt your blood turn to ice and stomach drop as if it weighed heavier then a sack of bricks? Only I got my daughter back in a few minutes. Yours just never came home.

That’s right. My daughter. Your granddaughter; Amelia Agnes Schultz. I named her after you mom, because I had a feeling that even if she never met you she’d still have a part of you. I see bits of you and Dad in her all the time. Like the way she hates carrots or wrinkles her nose when she smiles. I want you to meet her. Even if you’ve come to hate me, I want her to meet her Grandparents.

I never meant to keep her a secret from you. I was just a scared stupid kid, hell I only just turned nineteen myself. You weren’t the reason I tried to hide it, hide her. Her father was just some kid I’d met at a party to celebrate our schools track team getting first in the latest tournament, his name alludes me to this day. When I first found out, I was in denial and didn’t want to believe it was true. I told myself the test was wrong and everything would be fine in a week or two as long as I didn’t acknowledge or make a big deal out of it. Stupid, I know, but I guess to a panicking sixteen year old brain it made perfect sense. So I waited, and waited a little longer till I couldn’t keep binding my stomach and call it fat from our thanksgiving feast. I waited to long. When I finally got the courage to go to a clinic to get an adbortion the doctor said I had waited to long and since it was no longer just a clump of cells but a baby, my baby, she couldn’t do anything for it.

Looking back now I’m glad I waited or else I wouldn’t have been blessed with my beautiful Amelia. I just regret not seeking your help. That night when I came home I cried for hours into your shoulder but never once did you push and ask me what was wrong, so I never told you. I wish desperately I did but I didn’t. I was scared, scared you’d be disappointed in me, scared Dad would be ashamed of me, scared that everyone in school would know me as a slut who got knocked up by some kid whose name she can’t even remeber. I didn’t know what to do so I turned to what at the time seemed most reliable source of advice, Google.

I ended up finding a woman’s shelter that would take me on and help me, no questions asked. So not long after I packed a bag, left you that poor excuse of a note that didn’t even tell you why I left. Just two lines;

𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝘐'𝘮 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺. 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘨𝘶𝘺𝘴. 𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘖𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘪𝘢

The shelter helped me get a job and learn how to raise a new born. I ended up taking an equivalency exam and completed high school. I even did an online collage course. I didn’t become a doctor like I’d dreamed of as a kid but I do work as an X-ray technician at Rosedale’s Clinic in Rochester. It’s a stable job and pays well, better then McDonalds anyways. I have a decent apartment I’d like you to come see one day. It’s got a cute old fashioned rustic vibe I think you’d like. I even have a Fiancé, his names Dylan and he’s a real sweet guy. He’s the type of good guy you only see in movies now days he’s so good with Amelia. She’s even taken to calling him her Daddy, the first time she said it he started crying he was so happy. That being said he’s a real softy so you can’t let Dad try to intimidate him to much. I know I’m rambling. There’s just so much to say but not enough paper or even words in the world to get it all out. I guess I just want you to know that I’m okay. Better yet..I want you to know I’m happy.

I’d be happier if I could see you again though.

Even after how far I’ve come, I want to be a goo mother, the best one I can be, just like you were to me. I want to pick her up and hold her when she’s down no matter how old she gets, I want to protect her from the world and how cruel it can be but also show her all the beauty in it. Having raised a baby girl opened my eyes as to how much work it is and how much work I’m sure you’ve done for me. All the challenges you faced raising me for sixteen years, many of which I haven’t had to with Amelia yet being as young as she is. I want to be her to be able to look up to me. Not because of everything I’ve done to raise her or the hardships I’ve over come but just because if she can see me like that I know everything will have been worth it.

I hope you don’t regret anything, because I look up to your more then you could ever know. It’s why I never wanted to disappoint you even if I knew you would have supported me. Please forgive me Mom. Please… let me come home. I’m sorry for keeping Amelia a secret, a secret I kept to myself for way to long. I’m sorry I robbed you of the time you could’ve had with her but I want to make up for it now. I want to be a family again.

I don’t even know if you even still live in the same house or if this letter will get to you. I pray it does. If by some fluke of luck if does find you try to ignore the water spots all over the pages of this letter. I’d tried to tell my self not to get my hopes up or too emotional but I guess I figured there was already enough hiding of things. I hope to see you soon Mom.

Love, your daughter who never stops thinking of you, Olivia Schultz.

P.S. I don’t know what day this will get to you if ever, so I’ll address the date as the day I wrote this letter. So… Happy Mothers Day Mom. I hope we can spend the next one together.