Mother

Today is Mother’s Day. The day I fear most in the world. The one holiday I don’t celebrate. Mother’s Day reflects the pain I’ve been through. All the horrible memories made. The trauma of the past. The embarrassment and guilt bottled up in my stomach waiting to come out. The broken child crying in the car. The longing of what was meant to be.

Today is day 486. The last time we saw each other was January last year. I didn’t know we would never see each other again. When we spoke on the phone I could hear the anger in your voice when I announced I didn’t want to see you. The disappointment was clear in your tone. I didn’t think you cared back then. After all you do have another family. Another daughter, somebody who you love more. I know I sound selfish, ungrateful for all you

Today looks like rain without the rain. Today was a clear and sunny day. But mentally it was not. The storm clouds reflected my anger. The rain described my sorrow and the thundering conveyed my pain. The pain you had given to me all these years. Looking out into the sky, I couldn’t see the sunglight. The fluffy clouds, nor the blue skys shining from above. Instead, I saw a tornado. Coming my way representing my emotions hurdling towards me until it sucked me in it.

Today taste like eggs and bacon. Today I imagined you getting up in the morning having breakfast in bed. Bacon and eggs on toast, your favourite. We cooked it together once. I recall as laughing as we watched a Disney movie together on the couch while eating our food together. I felt mother love for the first time in my life. The sad was is that I was eleven at the time.

Today sounds like the giggles of happiness and joy. Today was a day when I not only remembered the bad memories, but also the good ones. Sometimes the roaring waves calmed down and the rain stopped. Clear sky’s shined from above giving me hope. Stupid hope. The hope that you would come back. Regret your mistakes, and come home to me. Cherish me in love like you did with your daughter. Forget about everyone else and focus on me, for once. I guess I never learn my lesson. As if that would ever happen. It only happens in my dreams.

Today feels like the breaking of a heart. I remember my first heartbreak. It was from you actually, it was when I was four. You were leaving me and going back home to your boyfriend. I remember sitting in my car seat while I cried a river of tears. You kissed me on the forehead and said goodbye, and that you loved me. I was stupid enough to believe it back then. I saw you walking away with your luggage in your hands. Little did I know that this would be the last time you would ever visit me.

Today is yesterday and tomorrow. Today reminded me a lot about your absence in my life. How I only got to see you during school breaks. How I never understood why my cousins didn’t have half siblings. Why our mother and father didn’t love each other as much as they did. But now I do. Now I remember why you got quiet when we asked about your divorce with dad. You were embarrassed. Ashamed of your choices back then. And how it was too late, too late to fix them and go back. Now I have to live in a world without you by my side.

Today is another day without you, mother.