Mostly Motherless

Unlike me, my sister has an excellent memory. She told me a story the other day about something that happened to her when she was very young. Here’s her story in her own words:

“I must have been 5, and I went into some area that was fenced, so presumably into someone’s property. I think to get some green apples off a tree. An old man (who knows how "old", I was 5, he could have been 25!..... but I think he was actually older, I remember a wrinkly face) came out of the house with a …‘shotgun and started yelling and chasing me with the shotgun, and I ran as fast as I could and ran into the house and leapt into mom’s arms and she caught me. The End.’

To say the least, that was a very traumatic event for my sister at five years old. Two things happened when she literally jumped into mom’s arms.

1. My sister DID NOT tell mom what happened.

2. It was the one and only time that my sister remembers being held by mom.

I loved my mom because she was my mom and she gave me certain things that were needful in my life. She was really good at providing food and shelter and sometimes came to our school activities. She always made sure we had a Christmas present under the tree, even if it was only wrapped up socks or underwear. She did all the necessary things to care for us and make sure that we had the basic necessities of life.

But do children only need the basics of food, shelter and clothing to survive? Or is there something else that’s necessary for children to become a well adjusted and mature adult? I believe the answer to this is that children need MUCH more than their basic physical needs to be met. I think that children need to be loved, nurtured, accepted, and affirmed just to name a few. If a child doesn’t receive some of these things from the adults in their life, then they will be hindered in some way for the rest of their lives. The article by Medium writer Kristina H expands on these issues if you want to read further.

According to Maslow’s theory, human beings needs are physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. The descriptions below taken from the www.verywellmind.com explain why a person cannot live by bread alone.

PHYSIOLOGICAL — the basic human needs for food, water, sleep and warmth

SAFETY- the need for financial security, health, wellness, and safety from accidents or injury

“Together, the safety and physiological levels of the hierarchy make up what is often referred to as the basic needs.”

LOVE/BELONGING —the need for family, social groups, friendships, and romantic relationships

ESTEEM — the need to be valued, appreciated and respected

SELF-ACTUALIZATION — the need to achieve one’s full potential, self-awareness, personal growth, and become less concerned with the opinions of others

Two out of five of those needs have been present all of my life. As a child and teen I was missing nurture from family, social connections and a sense of being valued just to name a few. The neglect and abandonment that I felt as a child has profoundly affected me all of my life. Recently I was diagnosed with lifelong clinical depression and social anxiety disorder. I knew that there was something about me that was not right but I couldn’t put a name to it until the testing and subsequent diagnosis. These are serious mental issues that I have dealt with daily during my lifetime. And I will continue to deal with them throughout the rest of my life.

I don’t blame my mom for any of my problems or issues. I know that she was caring in her own way and I respected her for the effort that she put into everything that she did. I will say that I was mostly motherless because I only received care for my basic needs while my other more complex needs were neglected and ignored. Like my sister, I don’t remember being held and I was also afraid to tell my mom things because I thought I’d be criticized and blamed rather than guided by her. Which unfortunately proved to be true throughout my growing up years.

To wrap up this tribute to my mom, I’d just like to say that I am thankful that I had some good final years with her. I remember especially the last few months of her life at the end of 2002. She was pretty sick with diabetic complications but she was determined to live long enough to see her grandson married. I flew with her to Iowa and she made it to the wedding. One goal met. I don't know if she was determined to make it to Christmas that year but she almost did. We celebrated Christmas on Saturday Dec 21 that year and I remember helping her climb the stairs to my sister’s apartment. We did our usual Christmas tradition stuff and then after she was home, later that night, she was taken to the hospital. A day later, she passed away in her hospital bed. It was Monday Dec 23, 2002. Nineteen years ago. She was 73 years old.

Moms aren’t perfect, and neither are kids. But I sincerely hope that if you’re a mom or a kid reading this that you will think about the more important stuff of life — LOVE, acceptance and forgiveness.