More Than A Number In My Little Black Book

Stood on the edge of the cliff the wind whipping around him the sun gleaming off the water below. One little step one tiny stretch of muscle and tendons and everything is over, he will be with her. Tears streak his face, how can he go on without her, she is his everything. His right foot rises, his ankle flexes, stretching out over the drop.

No, what about the children, he can't leave them alone Motherless, Fatherless in the space of a few days. Pulling his foot back he places the thick sole of his trainer back on solid ground next to the other. Turns his back to the cliff, and silently full of grief makes his way back to what used to be, a bustling family home full of love and laughter. The tears begin to pour again.

"Why are you sad Daddy?" his two year old son Leo asks. Reaching his arms up, clenching and unclenching his tiny fists, to be picked up. His Mother won't hold him again, over time he shall forget her appearance, how she smells, the sound of her voice.

As he advances into the house his Mother and Father in law bow their heads to him and leave. No words are able to be spoken between them. They don't blame him, their daughter got ill and died. But, they can't look into his eyes because they witness the pain, misery and utter despair. One which mirrors their own, they would rather avert their gaze than experience the darkness before them.

No one can tell him everything is going to be alright, so they didn't bother to speak. He loved their daughter so much, they were childhood sweethearts. Living the dream in a beautiful home with their beautiful children, the perfect family.

"Lacey," he walks to the dining-room table where six year old Lacey sits clutching something close to her chest, gripping with all her might like she does her favourite teddy bear. But, this is not boo'ey bear she holds. "Lacey," he repeats, she continues staring into space clutching the object. "Sweetheart," his voice is hardly more than a soft whisper, with a background tremble. "What have you got?" He tries to swallow, struggling over the lump in his throat. How can he be a Father to her let alone both parents when he is in so much pain.

"I'm keeping it safe for Mummy, where is Mummy, when will she be back?" The little girls huge blue eyes looking lost in her pale face.

"She's not coming back, do you remember we said that Mummy," a tear escapes his brimming eyes. "Mummy is not here, but she is here with us, in our hearts." Placing his hand over Lacey's heart, his hand brushing on the cover of the small black book she is clutching. A noise makes him turn to take a quick glance at Leo, playing with his cars on the floor, oblivious to what is happening. Turning back to Lacey, she nods her understanding of the explanation of where her Mother is.

He is unsure if this is better, the children are so young, but they never shall experience her love for them, and what an incredible person they lost. Shall they remember the stories, the lullabies? No, time shall erase those moments. What if he also forgets? He hopes beyond hope, Lacey takes after her.

"What are you keeping safe for Mummy?" He enquires of his daughter, "can Daddy take a look?"

She pushes her hands towards him stretching them in front of her and thrusting a small black pocket book towards him.

"What's this?"

"Mummy's favourite book," she answers, as he takes the book from her. Brushing the cover and connecting with his dead wife's foreign object, he's never seen this before, what is it? Opening to the first page where lists of mobile numbers fill every line.

He flicks through the pages and every one is the same, row after row of telephone numbers with initials next to them, unknown codes. He throws the book to the floor. What the phone numbers can mean terrifies him, a little black book. His wife possesses a little black book and not only that, but one full of phone numbers, of her lovers. That is the only logical explanation of what is before him.

"Where did you find this Lacey?" He asks.

"Mummy puts the book away in the cupboard every Wednesday and Saturday after she writes," Lacey explains innocently. The nights when she tells him to spend time with his friends, take a night off. Encourages him, some might say forces him. He grabs his phone from his pocket and calls one of the numbers. It's not a valid number, dropping the book he lets his head fall to the table, and the sobs engulf him. Lacey jumps off her chair and comes to comfort her Daddy.

"Don't cry Daddy, I can fetch the Disney tin that always makes me happy," she says her hand stroking his face.

Choking back his tears, "I'm sorry, what tin?" He asks.

She scampers off and comes back with a tin, which when he opens is full of money, thousands of pounds. A wave of nausea sweeps over him, his wife is a prostitute? He doesn't want to consider the children not being his, but it pops in, unwelcome as the seed that he plants may be.

He stares back at the book, and flicks to the last page with any writing on. There are no letters after the number, no code on this page, she hasn't met this one yet. Again the number is not valid. He stares and flicks through the pages spotting a pattern. He starts to laugh, he laughs so hard his sides hurt. More tears flow from his eager to oblige eyes.

"Oh sweetheart I miss you, I will always miss you. Come on Lacey, Leo let's go." He takes the book and the children to the local shop and makes his purchase, a sad smile playing at the corners of his mouth.

That night the three of them sit and watch the TV together cuddled on the sofa before returning to the shop in the morning. Knowing full well that he is handing over a winning ticket to the store assistant.

07 12 34 27 11 2 no initials after this number in the book, because they are her predictions for this week. The store assistant squeals with delight that a customer on her shift won £20,000.

"Thank you sweetheart," he whispers, holding the children's hands for all he is worth, this is more than enough to fulfil his wife's wishes to take the children to Disney.

I hope you like my story and will subscribe to read more. Clicking the heart shows your support, subscribing means you can follow my writing journey. My series, The Order has it's first novel FamiLIES coming out this year. Thank you so much for your support.