Momming?

There’s no Science to Momming. It’s all made-up, which is absolutely Insane. Everyday, I tell my son, if you are a Lazy Liar, you can’t be an Astronaut. You’ll work at the gas station, never leave home, and no one will care about what you say.

You might be Brilliant. We’re not sure, honestly. Apparently, every parent thinks their kid is ‘crazy smart, Dude’. And you have all these added Neuroses. Should I take credit for them? Yeah, probably. But regardless, you have to do the work.

Without getting to far into it, this is what’s horrifically wrong with People. I’ve lived all over the country, and worked alongside all kinds of people of varying ages, degrees, ethnicities, and socioeconomic backgrounds. What separates leeches from functional adults is the ability to get your ass out of bed, and show up.

I don’t quite want my son to know that specific detail; he really is only 5. And he’s still working on punchlines, the appropriate expressions in group settings, and numerical order. Someone close to us gave us amazing advice though, “work on his socialization”. The other stuff is there, as it were. And Boom- lightning bolts. Working in Ivy League hospitals amongst physicians writing studies you now read, I watched with fascination, as they struggled with basic communication.

Neonates or newborns as society calls them needed ‘septic workups’, if they were brought in to the Emergency Room for a fever under 6 weeks of age. It’s both magical and maniacal to convince a very recent first time or seasoned parent to hand over their teeny tiny, barely born infant to medical hands for 3 different specific types of torture, ahem, testing.

The babies needed blood work, a urine sample, and a Lumbar puncture. And while scientists use intricate references to statistical analysis, data collection, and demographic representation, healers appeal to the Humanity in others to engage the Humility of self.

For instance, one of our ER attendings kept her house controversially cool for her baby’s first 8 premature weeks to forgoe this rigorous protocol. Blame her? Never, I’ve had to collect all these types of samples from tiny humans.

So the issue lies in that strange moment, where an Incredibly over-educated, published, exceptionally renowned resident or fellow babbles a steady-stream of Doctor-ese at the aforementioned bewildered parents to consent them for the miserable collection of body fluids required to rule the neonate out for possibly Life-threatening systemic infection. And they’re very successful at it, mind you.

It’s just, that they rarely stick around long enough to see the parents shake their heads, and try to make sense of all the fancy terminology that was just slung at them. Textbooks, exams, and simulation labs are terrible places to learn empathy. We legitimately can’t expect average Americans, especially emotionally-distraught, protective, sleep-deprived parents to decipher any greater than a fifth grade reading level’s worth of scientific advancement and comprehension in the snap of a verbal consent.

We constantly take for granted the public’s ability to both appreciate and be underwhelmed by the Scientific Advancements in Modern Medicine today. We conversely have families who are utterly confused and distraught, that we can’t perform miracles, clone people, or clone organs, as well as, wildly disappointed and distrusting in Western Medicine as a whole.

So where is the Balance? My experience has led me to say, it’s with the Practioners. Patients and Families naturally gravitate towards a Wonderful Bedside Manner. Create a trust bond. Use Strong eye contact, personal examples, and simple language. It’s people skills, to coin that long-lost phrase.

Socialization is what’s separating the can-Dos from the ‘Can Code’ or ‘Can Research’ types. It’s frightening. There are a few Behavioral Diagnoses, like Narcissist and Delusions of Grandeur, that can charade as Authentics. But ultimately, the People that Can work a Room with the Field Research to back it up will be the most successful.

They’re going to convince the inexperienced young parents, or anxious IVF success story to get all the information possible. They’re going to be the most likely to interact with the Core Staff to position the baby, collect the samples, and send them STAT to the Lab for processing. Those Social Successes are also going to establish Trust, obtain written consent, and expedite the work up immensely. Their ability to gain the patient’s and families Trust is everything. And all of that can boil down to Parenting and their Homelife.

Yes, there are some incredible examples of college-educated social pariahs, who were charming and successful anyway. But most of these double-hitters can identify a parent, teacher or community leader who took them under their wing.

I guess I’m saying I believe in Nurture vs Nature. My son has all the genetic benefits the Universe could’ve bestowed on him. He talked in sentences, before most kids his age put one syllable words together. He potty-trained easily, and is maintaining a little conversational Spanish. He’s also blessed to be good-looking, that is to say, symmetrical, and growing at a satisfying rate according to our Pediatrician.

But everyday, I have to lure him away from ‘Mars Hotel’, that elusive place he longs to be, back down to boring old Earth for breakfasting eating and teeth-brushing. I fight my natural urge to push him hard intellectually and scholastically. I graduated high school 3 years early, and college a year early.

But I also had to smush an immense amount of arbitrary adolescent nonsense into my first few years of early adulthood, and trade some of my Nursing Adventures for personal mischievousness and a bit of recklessness outside work. I was an overgrown and restless kid myself, who was allowed to purse books over Life.

So my son will be treated to a complete Childhood, Quarantine notwithstanding. And I slightly envy him for it. He will be Free to be loud, when we can take it. He will be Fast, Spastic, and tell dumb jokes. And he will be a Big Brother. No added tutelage, extra lessons, or Saturday school required.

We will be rounding out his education with Life here on boring old Earth. Anyone wanting to navigate the Stars or the Human Body needs to learn how to first talk and live amongst simple People with meaningful, Basic lives. How thrilling. Momming it is very scientifically-based, if only you have the heart to decipher it.

And what a Delicious Discovery for my maybe Astronaut, Inventor, or Gas Station Attendant (and his little brother), Mom will invite and appreciate the Village, and they are welcome to do the same.