Misery Loves Company

At 28 I never thought that I would be where I am today. Living back at my grandmother's house with my husband and my daughter. It definitely isn't an ideal situation especially since my grandmother is in her 80's. As of late, she has become a little forgetful. Our conversations have gotten quite entertaining because of her forgetfulness.

It gets very difficult at times though. It's getting harder and harder every day to answer the same question every 2 minutes for half an hour. I love her dearly, but when she forgets that she drinks all of her liquor and then gets angry at someone else for it, it stresses me out. She's such a wonderful woman. I hate to see what's happening to her. Knowing that she doesn't have much time left makes it that much harder.

Putting aside everything that comes with living with an elderly grandparent, my father also lives with us. It's not exactly the easiest living with him. He has bipolar disorder so his moods can be unpredictable. It wouldn't be so hard to deal with if I didn't have to see it all the time. When he gets in these moods he becomes very unpleasant. Half the time no one knows what he's angry about. He tends to take his anger out on everyone else.

Let's forget for a moment that I have a very forgetful grandmother and a bipolar father. Let's talk about my husband for a second. He for the most part is an amazing man and father. He's not the best husband. I'm pretty sure he wasn't prepared for anything that came along with being a father and husband.

I love him so much but I could do without his attitude. I can do without the extra stress over irrelevant things. Or the stress over dumb things like misplaced cigarettes or an uncharged phone. Instead of taking a breath and asking for help, he goes straight to yelling and taking his frustrations out on me. It's like he doesn't care how much it affects me.

I know that I suffer from some sort of mental issues. I have no doubt about that. But for the time being, I have no choice but to live with it. At the moment, I don't have any way to get the help I need. Under the circumstance, I'm unable to take care of myself the way I need to. There isn't enough time in the day to take care of myself.

I feel like I'm stuck in a never-ending loop. I was in the exact same position (minus the husband and daughter) a few years ago. I'm living in a house that I want to escape. I'm stuck with some of the most judgmental people I have ever met. And all I want to do is run away.

Again I'm stuck hating myself. I feel like I can't truly be myself in my own home. It doesn't even feel like a home. I feel like I'm trapped. I can feel the pressures of being what everyone else wants me to be. All I want to do is be free. I guess it's true what they say, misery really does love company.

If someone had asked me 10 years ago where I saw myself at this age, I definitely would not have said this. I would have guessed that I would be in my own home with the man of my dreams. But alas it is not so.

I understand that life could be worse but I am finding it difficult to get out of this slump. I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm trying to change my daily habits. I start my day out with a nice cup of tea and I try to meditate in small intervals throughout the day, but I've had very little luck.