Mending the Break

Let's start with a quick question: How many of you have a meaningful relationship in your life? I'm guessing it's most of you, but it's always good to check our assumptions. As I discuss the parent-child relationship today, keep in mind that these principles apply to any significant relationship.

Now, let me share a personal story. It was a Sunday evening, and I had just finished cooking dinner for my family. I was exhausted, anxious about the upcoming workweek, and feeling overwhelmed by my unfinished tasks. Then, my son walked into the kitchen, looked at the table, and complained, "Chicken again?" I lost my temper and yelled at him, "What's wrong with you? Can't you be grateful for something in your life?" Things escalated, and he stormed out of the room, slamming his bedroom door. I was left feeling guilty and wondering, "What's wrong with me? Have I messed up my kid forever?"

As a parent, you've likely experienced similar feelings. For me, it's especially challenging because I'm a clinical psychologist who specializes in helping people become better parents. Yet, I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. The truth is, there's no such thing as a perfect parent. We all struggle, and it's essential to learn how to repair and move forward.

When we don't repair, our children may internalize negative self-talk and develop deep-seated fears that can lead to depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness in adulthood. However, when we repair, we can replace these negative stories with ones of self-trust, safety, and connection.

So, what is repair? It's the process of going back to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for our actions, and acknowledging the impact on the other person. Repair is not the same as apology; it's an opportunity to reopen a conversation and reconnect.

To repair, we need to start with self-repair. This means separating our identity from our behavior and acknowledging that we're not defined by our mistakes. We can then move on to repairing with our child, using a simple framework: name what happened, take responsibility, and state what we would do differently next time.

For example, I might say to my son, "Hey, I've been thinking about what happened in the kitchen. I'm sorry I yelled. I know it was scary, and it wasn't your fault. I'm working on staying calm, even when I'm frustrated." This 15-second intervention can have a lasting impact and replace my child's story of self-blame with one of self-trust and safety.

It's essential to note that repair is not about blaming the child or justifying our behavior. Instead, it's about taking responsibility and modeling healthy relationship patterns. By repairing with our child, we set the stage for critical adult relationship skills, such as taking responsibility for one's actions and communicating effectively.

Some of you may be thinking, "But my child is older, and I've made more significant mistakes." I want to assure you that it's never too late to repair. Imagine receiving a call from one of your parents, or finding a letter that acknowledges past mistakes and offers a sincere apology. This can be a powerful experience, even in adulthood.

In conclusion, repair is a crucial aspect of any meaningful relationship. By prioritizing repair, we can replace negative stories with positive ones, model healthy relationship patterns, and set our children up for success in adulthood. Remember, it's never too late to repair and make a positive impact on our children's lives.