Me, Myself & Why

As a young mother of three, I remember being excited about the day they would all turn eighteen years old. This would mean I was no longer legally responsible for these beings. My life would then be all mine to do with as I chose. I would be free of all the tasks and expectations associated with being a mom! I could hardly wait until that moment became a reality. I would finally be free!

One of the perks of being a young mom for me, was the closeness I felt to my children. We had more in common due to my age. I was also more open to the types of music they listened to. I didn't have an issue with bold hair coloring or body piercings. Whereas, when I was growing up, no makeup was allowed until after I turned sixteen, and even then it was to be very modest. No eye shadow or darker tinted cheek blush. I was to embrace my natural beauty. I raised my children with a much different perspective. If they wanted to dye their hair bright red and had the money to pay for it, then who was I to discourage it. I wanted my children to embrace whatever their creative urges told them to do. As long as it didn't cause bodily harm or get them kicked out of school. I guess one would say, I was the cool mom!

Then the moment I had waited for finally arrived! My children had all moved out and we're growing into the amazing adults they were destined to be, but wait...

Now, what the heck was I supposed to do with me?

There was no longer a need for early morning wake-up calls, taking food out of the freezer in preparation for dinner, or chore lists. The freedom I had dreamed of having felt more like a prison sentence. I remember calling my son to see if he wanted to come visit or have a sleepover. I suddenly had all of this free time and I had no idea what to do with it. My identity was formed and shaped around the role of being a mom. This didn't just include my three, it also included my children from other mothers. The best friends that too spent quite a bit of time around me. The ones I watched grow alongside my own.

It was the moment, I was making pancakes at midnight and crying that I began to truly dislike this stage called empty nesting! I just wanted them to move back home so I could once again feel a sense of purpose. I didn't realize how much of my life revolved around those amazing human beings. I felt so lost. I was still their mom and yet, because they no longer required me, in the same capacity, the word "mom" just didn't feel the same anymore. It was great to watch them growing into adults and raising their own families but I had this nagging selfishness that wished they required more from me. Yet, the fact they didn't, meant I had done an amazing job in raising them. They were all going to be just fine out in the real world, on their own.

Me, not so much!

I found myself crying more times than not! I suddenly felt as if I had no purpose. No sense of worth. I wasn't sure what to do with all of my free time. How was I supposed to think or act? Everything in the past was all about those amazing beings. So, now that I was at a point in my life I could focus soley on me, myself and I ... what did that exactly mean? I wasn't even certain how to go about retraining my mind to not think of anyone elses wants or needs beyond mine. Gah, that sounds so selfish and egotistical. Not words that I would use to describe me. Why would I want them to be? Yet, here I was... conviencing myself to think only of me.

You have got to be kidding me!

What did I want to be when I grew up? What were all the things I had felt I missed out on by becoming a young mom? Why was I so excited for the empty nesting stage of my life? So many questions and thoughts rolled around that gray matter between my ears. The moment in time, I thought would be so freeing and rewarding, was nothing other than a road block to me.

How come no one ever shares this side of empty nesting?

The path to finding myself and focusing soley on my passions and dreams... felt so darn selfish! Yet, that is exactly what it was. In order to focus on myself... I had to make it all about me! There is nothing wrong with that. It is what is required to make it to the next level. To the part of your life where it feels ok to do and say... exactly what you want to do.

Although, being an empty nester is not one of my favorite chapters in my life. It was necessary to get me to the next stage. Learning to embrace simplicty and the moments I do get to share with my children. To not take anything for granted.