Mama's words

Lockdown made it hard to see Mama every day like I had been at the beginning of the pandemic. She had only been in the nursing home a few months before the pandemic hit, I was a construction worker, and the workload went up for us because there were less people on the roads and in buildings. Mama insisted on being put in the home saying she didn't want me taking care of her and working full time. Mama and I still talked on the phone everyday, we were growing closer then we had ever been before. She seemed to have a new story everyday about her youth and times with my dad, I would just listen.

It was a Wednesday, I only remember because Wednesday was the day the governor made announcements about the virus. The nursing home Mama was in would be on complete lockdown, nobody in or out until an undetermined date. I was not able to talk to Mama that day and I would learn later that they were moving all the residents to a different part of the facility. I took the day of, told my supervisor i wasn't feeling good, in retrospect i was stressed and starting to feel emotionally drained. I spent the day in bed thinking over Mama's stories. Mama was diagnosed with dementia, the doctor said it wasn't extreme but at 90 years old it could come on fast, Mama sometimes forgot parts of her stories small details here and there. One of the common themes of her stories was her poetry book and how she felt it was magical. I didn't know much about poetry, so when she would say things like “my words affected things and people”, or “ my words held powerful energy” I didn't think anything of it.

The next day i was able to talk to Mama again, we talked for a hour or more she was upset about how one of the nurses had been treating one of the other residents, she told me that she was taking care of it though and everything would fine, i said “ok mama”, and she went on to talk talk about the food being better than it has been and it made her happy. I reluctantly told Mama that I had taken a day off the day before, she paused for a few beats and said “everything alright” as if she expected me to say more, I quickly said “yes” and told her I needed to go and get back to work.

The next morning I woke up feeling extremely positive, joyful even, this was out of the norm for me because I typically hate mornings. I normally called Mama during my hour lunch break to pass the time, but on this day I wanted to call her early and share my good mood. It was clear that she had been worried about me the day before, so when Mama picked up I sang her favorite song by Bill Withers, trying to sound like a better singer then i sang “when i wake up in the morning love, and the sunlight hurts my eyes……..” she interrupts to get to the good part “when i look at you, and the world alright with me” she sings, we sing together “ just one look at you and i know it's going to be a lovely day”,we laughed, i could feel her smile, i could also feel a warmth that felt like it came directly from her heart to mine. I felt a strong pull to ask Mama about her poetry, “what do you want to know” she said in a child-like voice. I asked Mama if she had a favorite poem that she's written, without warning she spoke “we don't lose people to death, we gain spirits to life, love ones transcend this limited world having to fight, those that leave become apart of the light, they guid through the darkest parts of life, bodies leave this plain and with them goes hurt and pain, right before death energy flows to every part of the brain, we lose a restricting body, but a limitless spirit is was we gain, if death come by circumstance, by old age, or by force, we all leave this physical world and become one with the source” I was stuck, every word penetrated my core, i felt like i had woken up from a dream as she said the last word. All i could say to Mama was “that was really nice”, but i really felt like my whole view of life had changed. I looked at the clock and realized i still needed to get ready for work, i told mama i would call her back at lunch time, “I love you son” is all she said before hanging up.

Five minutes before lunch my phone rings, it's the nursing home main office number, it all made sense, i wanted to cry as i picked up the phone i could only smile as peace came over me, the same feeling i had received from mama earlier that morning. I heard every other word the nursing home director said, “Covid”, “attempted to contain”, “high risk population”, “i'm sorry”.

Because of the virus I was not able to see the body, I had to wait 2 weeks to retrieve Mama's things. When I received a few boxes with her things I decided to open them right away because other members of the family had been asking for something to remember her by if I could find anything. All the clothes had been disposed of due to covid protocol, but she did have pictures all in frames, one of my dad and her before he died a year ago, a picture of all of us together on one of our family vacations. They always let me pick the place, and I would always pick a place with mountains, I have always loved to hike. Mama would say it seemed like I belonged in the mountains. Underneath all the pictures there was this little black notebook plane with no writing on it, it was in good shape but it was clearly old, it had those thicker pages you sometimes find in older books. When I opened it every page was covered in words and little drawings, flowers, and sunsets, random things I didn't recognize in the corners of each page. I quickly flipped the pages and my thumb got caught on a page with mountains in the corner, i began to read,

Mama wrote: Son you are made in the image of pure light, look deep down inside of you spirit and ignite, the hopes and dreams and things you have always wanted to do, you are free, explore, your life belongs to you, reach every mountain top you have ever imagined you would see, manifest whatever it is that you need to allow this to be, you will forever feel a warmth inside, remember that is me.

The next day there was 20,000 dollars delivered to me by a man I had never seen before, he dropped off the box of money and didn't say a word, in the box on top of the money was a note that simply said 'destroy the book’.