Mama Africa

From the scourging heat of Africa to the struggles to survive, Mama Africa made the impossible POSSIBLE!

Dear Mama Africa...you held me when I cried, carried me when I was weak, showed me right from wrong. When I gave up, you encouraged me with no hesitation. You cared for me, laughed with me danced with me and prayed with me.

And here we are.

I care for you but not like you did. I was there when you cried but was scared to hold you. I was there when you felt pain but couldn’t figure out how to heal you. You lay in pain and I’m not there to lie with you; the guilt within is more than words, I may smile but only for a while. Memories fill my eyes with tears, my heart with happiness, my mind with what-ifs.

Mama Africa...you were and always have been strong and to this day I work on being like you: STRONG! I loved you then, I love you now, I will love you always.

My Mother was like no other. Her faith layed in the hands of the Catholic Church; she devoted most of her time to playing drums in the church choir. Her heart was so big—she made friends everywhere she went. Nothing ever bothered my mother...at least she never showed it. Singing, dancing and working with kids were her passion. Later in her life, she graduated with an early childhood education diploma, leading her to work part time at various daycare centres. The children loved her outgoing personality. I recall at the young age of five we became known as the Ugandan dancers, performing at different events—golf country clubs, Toronto festivals, church functions and much more. There wasn’t a moment in my mother’s life when she wasn’t happy or doing what she loved best.

I came to see you today, you barley looked my way. You heard my voice call out to you, “hi mom, how is your day?” You barely recognized my voice; you asked me who I was. I took a deep breath as I told you. Your face lit up with gladness, my face with inner sadness; all I wanted to do was hug you, tell you all my pain. But I knew your brain was not the same so I held your hand and listened to you instead.

Four months before my college graduation, tragedy struck. My mother had a stroke; which left her hospitalized for several months. I wish I could say she overcame it ok; but unfortunately today my mother is still not ok. Her vision faded over time. She no longer walks independently —needing assistance to stand. Her ability to eat solid food is no longer there. She requires assistance to eat as her hands are now weak. Her Alzheimer’s and Dementia has left her confused, not being able to remember who is who. The blood clots in her brain are becoming worse each day. Before I know it I’m going to have to say...

It’s hard that I can’t be with you and comfort you in these times. It’s hard that I cant see you—to hold and kiss you one last time. Now we’re miles apart you lay there all alone. No one there to tell you—it’s ok for you to go. Your mother and father await, just on the other side. But here on earth your alone as you die—no one there to whisper a quiet goodbye. Tell me it gets easier; teach me how to cope. All I want is my mother and now I’ve lost all hope. Teach me how to cope! I’ll hold that blanket close, oh where did that blanket go. Please don’t fade away from me—I’m not ready to let you go. Thank God I found the blanket; I’ll never let it go. For today you went to heaven you’ve found your second home. May you guide me from above, protect me when things get rough. You are safe now mom, no more pain; but its time for me to say Goodbye as tears fill my eyes. I love you , I miss you, I’m truly sorry I was not there for you.

My Mother was a women who believed in forgiveness, gave kindness to others—even if she never recieved it. She would bless you with all her heart and soul, and ask that you be protected always. She taught me to always be kind to others even my enemies—she taught me that I needed to be who I was and not what others wanted me to be. She taught me that my happiness lied in my hands—no one else’s. That is the person my mother was and always will be. This is the person she taught me to be—kind, caring and forgiving. Where I am in my life; the things I faced and obstacles I’ve overcome were never easy by any means. Who have I become? A strong mother to three beautiful children. Who left a ten year relationship with their father as I finally came to terms with who I truly was. I grew the courage and strength to come out as being part of the LGBTQ community and excepting my true identity.