Loving the Grieving Heart

To me, my father was my hero. He moved mountains figuratively speaking and did everything in his power to make sure his kids had everything that was needed. He never over did it with spoiling us. He always took his time with my siblings and I. He was and still is a very big family man. Nothing got between him and his kids or his wife. All that said, we never had a perfect family, or father, but I'm very happy that I never had a perfect father. He taught me everything he knows; from simple tricks for homework throughout my years in school to learning how to drive and fix my own car. He even taught me everything about the birds and the bees. I wanted to be everything my father was as I grew up and tried to make myself be all that and more.

He is a very kind and patient man; always compassionate and sincere about how he feels. He was also not afraid to show a little tough love every now and then when us kids stepped out of line. It was nothing over dramatic or over bearing, just typical discipline. I love my father more and more everyday for how he was when I was growing up. I see more of him in my personality and emotions with every day that passes. The humor he has and character that he has become is out of this world.

I've had some really traumatic events happen in my life which I'll explain a little later on. He was always there for me to help pick me up and help me get on my feet again after very dark moments in my life. He always knew what to say and how to help me cope and grieve. He taught me that its okay to have a heart; to show emotion and still be a man, that being a man doesn't always mean being tough and never allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel. He showed me how to be passionate and about the things and people I wanted in my life.

My father was a proud man, and still is to this day. He works harder than anyone I know and never backs down from anything that challenges him. He takes every challenge straight up, and becomes a better man every time he overcomes each new challenge that he encounters. Even though he is a few years shy of 60, he is molding himself into a better person. When people say you can't teach an old dog new tricks that doesn't apply to my father, he is always learning and always improving himself. That's the kind of man and father I hope to become.

Fatherhood changes you, it makes you see the world in a whole new light. It opens you up and shows you what kind of man you really are. I recently became a father a couple of years ago. It was the happiest moment of my life. The moment I held my son in my arms, my very own son, I knew what my father had felt for me. I understood his sense of providing security for his family. It lit up a spark in me that will never go away. Unfortunately, just a few weeks after my son was born we had to rush him to the hospital. For medical reasons my son passed away 5 days after we took him to the hospital.

Losing my son was absolutely traumatic on my mental and emotional health. I was spending day and night at the hospital, hoping and praying things would be okay. I went through a very dark time after he passed away, and still am. I know I will from time to time for the rest of my life. Being a new father I wanted to do everything to help him; to nurture him. Not being able to do anything for him except allow the doctors to do their job tore me apart as a father. I felt as if my chance and opportunity to be a father was stolen from me. You never expect these kinds of things to happen to you. It's one of those events that seem to only happen in movies; but this was and is my reality.

Losing my son, just like becoming a father, changed me forever. Not every father deals with an event like this, but for the ones who have, I understand you and I want you to know that your opportunity to be a father will never go away; it will never not be an option for you. Even though my child has passed on and its been a couple years since then, I make sure I'm doing everything I can to make myself be the father my son would want. Each and everyday I reflect on who I am; who I need to become for my son because I want him to be happy knowing that I'm living my life for him. Everything I do, I do it for him. This is how I learned to grieve and cope with the trauma and the loss.

My sons mother left me a week after this happened. She left me on a cliffhanger all by myself. Learning how to deal with this tragedy on my own was and still is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It very nearly took my life from me. I went weeks without eating. My family became very concerned about me, my father especially. He sat down with me one day, and didn't say anything. He just sat with me and held on to me. He allowed me to let my emotions flow. He gave me someone to grieve with rather than grieving alone. He was there for me, as was the rest of my family. My father made a huge impact on this experience for me. He gave me the opportunity to vent in my own time. He never rushed me and he stayed by my side. If it wasn't for my father being the man he is I probably wouldn't be here today, especially with how hard I was grieving and how heartbroken I was at the time.

I know this may be a very different kind of story about fathers and becoming a father, but this is my story. Every chance I get I always take the opportunity to talk about this event in my life. It's a coping mechanism and gives me very many reasons to share my son with everyone; to share my experience with other fathers who have lost a child and are still handling it day to day just as I am. It's an opportunity to give people a chance to look into someone else's experience like mine and hopefully to learn something from it. I hope this short story about who my father is, who he is to me, and becoming a father myself is impactful and awakening to the many varying facets of what it means to be a father.

Note: I am not the author. This piece was sent to me by the writer that wishes to remain unnamed at this time.