Love Notes

I don’t like to dwell on it, but when I was barely ten, my mother passed away. Even given the expectation due to her long illness, it still hit really hard. She may not have been perfect, but she was my mother. Irreplaceable. Dad and I both had loved her very much.

A couple of years went by, and dad and I forged a little closer relationship, having to rely on each other exclusively for a bit. Then, he apparently outgrew his mourning period and started dating once again. Now, thinking back purely objectively, he was somewhat handsome, still the young side of middle-aged, and he did have a decent job that could support us in a modest home and car well enough, so I guess he would have been considered a good catch at the time.

At first, I was possibly resentful. I can’t remember. I don’t recall actually *hating* any of the women he dated, but I just didn’t welcome them, I guess, as my upbringing would ordinarily have expected me to. I mean, on one hand, I treasured having him all to myself, but on the other, I also knew he had a right not to have to live life alone.

In the beginning, he didn’t bring them home immediately. I guess he may have had concerns about how I would feel about that. Anyway, a few months into the scene, he did start bringing one here or there home for overnight or weekend stays. When they left, he would jot down some notes in a little black notebook. I wrinkled my nose at the typical bachelor habit, but I said nothing. It was his business, and not mine, after all.

Most of these were singular events, at first. But about another year into the dating, he would start having repeats. One woman, Beth I think her name was, was so gushy and touchy-feely. She wanted me to start calling her ‘mommy’ from the very start. I balked immediately. I may have snapped at her something about not being my real mother. She didn’t take it very well, and she didn’t come back. I felt badly. Am I ruining dad's romances?

I also remember lashing out at dad at that point. I think I sent him a confused message about not needing a replacement mother, but that I did need a woman who would understand my questions as I grew into my adult self, and so on, and he just quietly nodded.

He then brought one woman, Melinda, home three times, and she was really classy. She always had this lovely perfume, and I vowed to ask her what it was the next time I saw her, but strangely, she never reappeared.

Another lady, Jeanine, started showing up one month, almost becoming a full-time resident. This lasted until dad had a business trip for a couple days. He asked her to make our dinners while he was out, and she agreed. Instead, she helped herself to the goodies in our fridge and pantry while being on her phone, watching television, and streaming movies, and she simply told me to do whatever on my own for meals. She completely ignored me the whole time. He came back from his trip, and after a couple days, Jeanine just stopped appearing, never to return.

Later in the year, dad succeeded in finding another repeat visitor, Lorraine. She gave me a weird vibe at first, and it wasn’t until dad had to leave the house for a short errand that her true colors appeared. She began cursing me out over random things and everything, and she threatened me with physical abuse if I dared breathe a word of it. Scared to death, I didn’t mention any of this to dad, but I started avoiding her as much as possible.

One day, probably her fifth or sixth visit, I was going for a snack in the fridge. I had just grasped the jar of blackberry preserves when she came up behind me and slapped me resoundingly in the face. “No snacks for young ladies who can’t keep their report card in order.” I gasped in surprise and let the jar go without thinking as I brought my hand to my face where it stung. The jar shattered on the floor. “Clean that up. And if I step in any glass, you won’t be getting dinner, either.” I cleaned it up and refused dinner when they called me down for it.

The next day was Saturday, actually, and I came down to see a taxi driver in front of the house slamming the trunk down on his taxi and then shutting the back seat door. That was the last I saw of Lorraine. Meanwhile, dad was nursing a bandaged hand. Had he hit her? That was so unlike him!

Dad took about a month off before he found Sarah. Sarah was his equivalent in age and degree of attractiveness I suppose, and in all other respects seemed remarkably ordinary. She did treat me nicely and soon started showing up at the house and staying over more frequently. I quickly found that I liked her company at the house, and eventually she became “the one” to whom dad ultimately proposed. Sarah never became ‘mommy,’ but I eventually settled on calling her ‘mom-mom’ to specifically manage respecting both her and my biological mother and their separate positions in my life simultaneously. She did become the role model I needed, and I owe much of my success in life to some of her words of wisdom.

Now, forty-some-odd years later, sitting in the lawyer’s office about to listen to my dad’s will, I think back to those days. With no siblings, and Sarah also having preceded dad in death, I was the sole heir to all of dad’s holdings.

The lawyer read what he wrote. “To my daughter Emily, I leave the house and its contents, and all my money and possessions.” He looked at me. “Emily, as his executor, I have managed to check all his debts, including his final expenses and my fees, against all his assets. After paying everything out, you are left with the house, which is fully paid for until the next tax year, its furnishings, the car, and $20,000 cash left over. I will have a cashier’s check and new titles drawn up within the week. Here are the keys to the house and car.”

I nodded solemnly as I accepted them. “Thank you, Mr. Gorland.” I left the lawyer’s and drove over to the house to begin assessing everything for a garage sale. While in his bedroom, I rummaged around looking for mom’s old bible, but along with that, I found that old black notebook.

I knew I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help myself. I opened it.

Of course, the first few pages were nothing but star ratings and lewd notes regarding bedroom habits I had no business knowing, but leafing through it further on, I saw my name. I stopped and flipped back.

BETH

Set Emily off. Need to think of Emily really. Probably not a good fit. Try again.

Later entries included:

MELINDA

She’s absolutely stunning! She makes more than I do, and this would set Emily up well for a really good college. Can't hurt!

That bitch! “send his little brat to boarding school” – thought I didn’t hear you! Fuck her. Gone!

Ah, so that explained her sudden disappearance!

JEANINE

Seems nice enough. I think she gets along with Emily??

Nanny cam was a good investment. Ignore my daughter? Bye!

Oh wow, dad had a nanny cam installed somewhere?

LORRAINE

Not sure about this one, but she’s says all the right things.

I’m going to need a new monitor, but it’s better than going to jail. No one touches Emily, not even me. Ever.

I brought my hand to my face as I realized dad must have seen her hit me through replaying the nanny cam. O my god -- He had put his hand through his monitor in response to witnessing that that day! I never knew!

SARAH

Almost giving up, but she came recommended. It looks like Emily likes her.

I caught her almost in tears that she nearly ruined some cookies she made for Emily.

She actually canceled her plans with her sister to be with Emily for my impromptu work trip!

Emily really enjoyed the time she spent with her. I haven't seen that much excitement from her in a long time. Sarah’s the one.

I smiled. I remembered those cookies. She had used frosting and sprinkles to glue bits back together and made them seem just fine. I was almost sixteen then, but it was still a cute gesture. And I remember that trip. We had had a great time those few days. I remember recapping our activities to dad when he got back.

Looking up from the book, I saw a picture of dad and Sarah on the dresser. “Thanks for your little black notebook, dad, and thank you, mom-mom,” I murmured, holding my dad’s most valuable property of his estate against my heart.