Love always, Mama.

Real and true love has no warnings, there’s no preparing yourself for that rollercoaster. One thing for certain, you only experience true love one time. You can love many times and experience love many times but you’ll only have one lasting true love. I wish we saw more of that growing up, maybe our world would be a little more peaceful.

He made it easy, made being in love feel like we were the only two souls on planet earth who were feeling these deep raw emotions. Before we ever loved with our bodies, we allowed each other to dig up every buried stone in our lives. We saw each others naked souls and saw every scar no matter how deep. I never knew once a stranger could become a sanctuary you no longer could live without. Born into a world of darkness, he became my light. I should mention that although he helped me heal and become this strong independent woman, he only helped me long enough for me to be truly independent. I love myself again, I got to experience true self love and it made loving him easy. There’s hundreds of languages, thousands of words and yet the only one to explain this love is “true”. I know in any life I will crave this love whether I get it every life time or not. I know even more so I will crave Levi.

Levi, a man as tough as the jeans. He doesn’t need to know your first name, he would give his life for you. A man who isn’t afraid to ask you why your crying and then cry with you. He refuses to end a conversation with questions unanswered. He has the biggest heart and gives the best hugs. He’s truly one of a kind. I’m thankful to have him but I wish everyone could experience what it is to be loved by Levi. Have you ever walked through a field of baby’s breath on a windy day, in a white cotton dress, barefoot and hair blowing in the wind. That’s similar to what you feel when your falling in love with him. He may not be everyone’s cup of tea but he truly saved me. Our love was magical and unbreakable. We created two little hearts that loved the earth and life with every inch of their existence.

Life was perfect, I couldn’t ask for more. How could I have ever have imagined a beautiful drive in the valley would be the end of my perfect life, my true love and the very reasons of my existence. The numbness in my heart and the depth in my eyes. I will never breathe air without feel guilty for still being able to do so. I will never come to terms with why I was granted a second chance. I can’t sleep not knowing where they’ve gone and why I can’t be with them. How can evil people exist in the same world of those who only want to love.

My life has become a prison, all because I wouldn’t die. Why did my body fight to be alone. Did my heart not feel their souls leave? Was I not enough to be with them even in eternity. There’s no greater pain than to find your true love and create a beautiful family and then to have it ripped away from you in a blink of an eye. The things I would do if I could go back in time, I would’ve made sure we never got out of bed. I would’ve walked barefoot on our farm once again with my children. Woke up at 6am for coffee with my lover and I would’ve just stared at those beautiful faces a little longer.

Who do I pray to in order to reach my family again? Is there a heaven or an inbetween? Where do I go to find peace when they are my peace ? Oh how I wish I could speed time up so I can reunite with my family.

Am I broken? Have my sims finally caught up to me, did my family pay the price of me being a misguided person before I knew them? There’s no one to save me, there’s no one to hold me and there’s no one to make me feel alive again. I spend my days high and my nights alone holding on to the memory of what once was. I’m losing my mind. I’m broken. I didn’t deserve this, they didnt deserve this.

My world stopped spinning on that day, haven’t moved an inch since. Counting the seconds until I’m that woman again, that mother again and that me again.

Until then I hold 333 to sky and say our prayer every night. I love you 3 until the end of times. I’ll find you again soon. Love always, Mama.