Lost and Found

I’m tired of mysteries, of feeling like I am all alone in this world. It’s cold in Pennsylvania. The wind blows, sending sleet across the dark blue sky. I desperately huddle by the fire to warm my bones. I hear my aunt plagued with consumption. My home and everything I know shall soon be lost. We can not afford a lot of food and our funds are diminishing. I fear I have become the greatest burden in her life. My schooling seemed wasted on me, the numbers all look strange upon the blackboard and I can not make any sense of them. The kindness she exhibits can not be repaid.

Sadie took me in when I was young and has since then tried to spare me the details of my past, as if my family was a subject to be ashamed of. I guess she is right, All I have been able to glean is that my mother died of some untreated infection shortly after delivering me. It is a challenge to live without shame. I often find myself explaining why I do not have any parents and how I haven’t the slightest idea who they were. Aunt Sadie said my father was a big shot Banker who said he made a “mistake” fraternizing with the lower class. She refuses to tell me his name. “Anyone who tells a Woman to be rid of a child is of no use to you my darling Prudence. Julia was quite unwise in many things.”

“Society does not allow a Woman to go around knowing every man she can get a hold of.” I heard those words frequently as I pestered her about the details of my mother. Apparently, my mother’s pregnancy was hidden until she could give birth to me, but something went wrong. I’m aching to know everything. I’m desperate now more than ever. Sadie is repulsed with what that man did to her sister. We have quarreled and quarreled. Conversations always end with such statements as “It is not proper for a young lady to know.”

What if my father is a changed man? He could help us. Or perhaps there is another relative. There must be someone willing to rescue us.

I have heard about Doctors raving of their success rates in the southern region, caring for tuberculosis patients. We can not afford the trip nor the fee for such cures. We are short of time. She gets dizzy spells and suffers bitterly as the January days grow colder. A family across town pays me a small sum to clean the horse stalls and collect eggs, but this is no bill paying career. Tomorrow I need to go into town to pick up a few things. I am not looking forward to the walk, but I know Aunt Sadie needs me.

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The chilling wind makes the mile walk seem ages longer. Finally reaching the red bricked establishment, I ask for Sadie’s tonic and the clerk with a scruffy salt and pepper beard hands me the brown vial. “How is Sadie today, Prudence?” Thomas the clerk, knows the dealings of his patrons.

“Not faring well, her consumption is worsening everyday and I fear increased cold. She can’t keep warm enough. You know how stubborn she is. She refuses to ask people for anything, but she is keeping me well through all of this.” As I speak, Thomas deftly grabs a tan wool blanket off the store’s shelf as he rummages through his mail cabinet and pulls out a large piece of cardstock; I wonder if he is even listening to me.

“Ah yes, Miss Sadie and her stubbornness. You can’t change her mind, no you can't. If she asks, this blanket didn’t come from me. Consider it a neighborly gesture. By the way, this letter came in a couple days ago, it’s got the wrong last name but you are the only Prudence round here. Looks to be from a legal service. “

I ran home after reading through the letter. I can’t believe my eyes. My heart is beating so fast it hurts inside my chest. I feel as if I will combust. My lungs burn as I breathe the cold air, my breath creating a fog that makes my eyes tear up. I finally reach my home and open the heavy wooden door and hope to all the Saints that my aunt will finally tell me the truth.

“What are you going on about, girl, calm down. You are making my ears ache with your yelling.”

“Sadie, please, it’s my father, read this letter I received today. I feel I’m going to take ill. I can’t bear it. Read the letter. Maybe I did not understand what I read. Is this letter meant for someone else? My father can not really be dead, this must be for someone else.”

Twas true. Ernest Shensingsen was dead. The father whom I never met. As Sadie confirms what my eyes denied, they slowly fill up with salty tears. It was a Law office, that through some miracle found me. Sadie continues to read the letter.

How could a man so ashamed of my existence cause so deep a hurt? The Lawyer requests my presence at an address in Georgia. The letter states that I am required to be there for the reading of his will and testament.

Sadie confirmed that Ernest was indeed my father. She weakly whispered all that she knew and admitted what she didn’t. My mother was a maid in the home wherein Ernest lived. He was a married man, but his wife had yet to give him a child. Julia was beautiful and in a night of weakness he made love to her. Months later, Julia knew she was pregnant and in fear she told him the news. In a panic, he released my Mother of her duties and forced her out of the home.

My mother sought refuge at Sadie’s home and had me in the shadows, a few days later she fell ill with a crippling fever and never recovered. Julia was so worried that I would have nowhere to go, she made my aunt swear to take care of me. “My sister Julia was a free spirited girl, even though she is gone she lives on through her beautiful daughter.” I know that we have to make this trip to Georgia, but I’m not sure if my debilitated aunt will be able to make such a trip.

###

“There is no way you are going without me.” I knew this would happen. I am nervous about her traveling, but I know nothing about the state of Georgia and I have never even been outside the town before.

We finally board the train. It took a week of planning and we reluctantly borrowed some money from neighbors. We are nervous about what lies ahead, but this is finally sweet hope. Hope to get some answers about Ernest and hope to get some help from the family. I do not know what could possibly lay ahead.

We made it there in a couple of days.The letter told us to meet at the family home. It is about a 5 mile hike from town so we hire a coach to ease the trip. The man driving us says he has been expecting us to arrive, we are the talk of the town.

Sadie is so stressed and I can see the exhaustion taking its toll by the way of regular coughing and dark bags under her eyes. She still manages to smile at me as we look upon the beautiful southern landscape. The green grass swaying in the calm breeze and the sun gently shining through the clouds. Sadie’s thin brown hair bounces continually until we finally make it to the manor. Here it is, this is the place that hopefully has answers for me to finally unearth.

“My name is Marvin Smith.” He is a very proper looking man that says he is the Lawyer that contacted us. He spots us as we are making our way towards the porch of the beautiful home. As I introduce myself, more people exit the house and make their way towards us. “These are my work partners, we have been hiring workers to clean up the house and make sure everything is in order for you both.”

“For us?” I eagerly ask as one of the other representatives reaches into their bag and brings out a little black leather notebook.

“Bill here has a book your Father wanted you to have. Before he passed away he wanted to make sure I could find you. It is by a miracle that we succeeded. He never actually knew your name, but wanted to dedicate his last possessions to you. It was possible because we found record that Ernest had tried to contact your aunt months ago, but the letter was sent back.” I look at Aunt Sadie and she shifts her feet. “Your father was not sure if you were still even at that address, but I had a hunch. I found your name in the census.”

“We did not need someone like him in your life. I never read the letter, and when I saw his name I refused the delivery. I’m sorry, I should have told you. I didn’t think the knowledge of his mistakes would ever make you happy.” Anger rose up in my chest. When I blinked little tears ran down to my chin. As I wipe the tears away, the shorter tan man hands me the tattered black leather notebook.

“I think this will give you the answers you are looking for.” I handle the little black notebook and feel the worn leather against my dry palms. I reluctantly flip through it . It is a journal that, on the bottom of each tanned page, is signed by Ernest Shensingsen. This book is all about My father, the one I’ve wanted to learn about my whole life.

In between one of the pages lay the unopened letter with my aunt’s name on it, still sealed but quite grimy. They nod that it is permissible to open its contents. The envelope contains words that I have always been waiting to hear as a daughter. Ernest apologizes for his wrong doings and failures. The letter inquires as to how I am doing and that does not feel he will be around much longer, he wanted to confirm that I was still with my aunt. He mentions that he is a widower and that he can no longer work due to his own illness. The last line I can bear to read says “I’ve made enough mistakes for any man, but my biggest folly was not standing up and being one.”

I grasp the notebook firmly and clutch it to my chest. Marvin takes out a piece of paper from his suit and announces that Ernest’s will declares that I am the inheritor of his home and all of the contents of his financial account. Aunt Sadie sits down and places her hand on her chest. She takes a slow drink from her tonic to calm her cough. He announces that he had 20,000 dollars in savings from his Banking career.

My mouth is agape, I can not believe what I’m hearing. I grasp Aunt Sadie’s hand and help her to stand. “With that kind of money we can afford to have you cared for, this is a new beginning for us. You will no longer have to endure the cold weather in Pennsylvania.“

Tears rush down both of our cheeks as we embrace and Marvin now leads us up the stairs of our new home. I am completely awed at the sight of the beauty of it all. I clutch the book knowing I have the answers and that I have finally repaid my aunt. The mystery of my life is over. This is our home.