Loss of a Mother

I think that when a woman loses her mother, in many ways she loses a part of herself. Regardless of their relationship, good or bad, our mother is the most determining factor that we use to weigh our own feminine forces against. Our identity is so often tied directly to our mother’s identity. Unlike sons who are expected to be autonomous, daughters intrinsically seem to know that they will continue the cycle of identity that expects daughters to be like their mothers. Universally women look to their mothers for approval on how to be a woman.

Not until a woman loses her mother is she perhaps fully born into her own identity.

So often for women the loss of a mother carries with it additional mourning. The mourning of the death of a piece of herself. For many daughters this will blindside them. They will feel as if they themselves have died, that they no longer recognize who they are without the mirrored image of their mother to confirm it for them.

For many this can lead to debilitating depression, as well as a deep sense of detachment from the world. Generally for most women, our mother is our anchor and her death is a great unmooring. The tipping over of our own axis. This great unbalance is what sometimes keeps a woman from moving through a natural grieving process, and keeps her floating in the disorientation of grief.

It is important for those women to understand the identity connection, and to begin to unravel the lifelines once secured by her mother, and transferring them to her own control. We must remind ourselves that grief is painful, but indeed so is birth. In doing so we take the first step in changing our mindset.

Emotional pain is a signal from our soul that healing is necessary.

When we become stuck in grief, when we give emotional pain dominance over our being by ignoring signals from our soul, our mind believes it's a state that can’t be changed and so it accepts it and we remain in discord. The soul however knows better, and fights for your attention, upping the pain. What was once grief is now depression. What was once the pain of saying good-bye is now a way of life.

If you accidentally cut your finger while preparing dinner would you just ignore the pain? No! You would take steps to heal the physical injury. Yet, we tend to ignore emotional pain leaving the injury to fester; believing that we just have to live with it. We must recognize that pain is a signal from our soul that healing is necessary, whether that pain is physical or emotional.

Grief is not meant to be a permanent state of mind, it is a signal or symptom of an injury. When we can change our mindset to recognize this we can begin to take steps toward healing, opening a path for the mind to travel out of a negative, stagnant state and into a state of positive rebirth. Much like our mother pushed us out into the world through the birthing process, we must release the pain by pushing it out of our human psyche.

Let it Go!

Meditation is a good way to start to unravel the identity ties with our mother. Most often women who suffer prolonged periods of grief after losing their mother greatly depended on her as their touchstone. Meditation can help a woman transfer that touchstone from her mother to herself. Look for meditation groups specifically for women, specifically for the grieving process, or a spiritual leader who offers in depth meditation instruction curated to your mental health needs.

Writing is another way to release emotional injury. You don’t need to be a novelist or a literary expert to write, just write whatever you are feeling. Don’t stop to think about it or edit it, just write. This technique is known as Purge Emotional Writing, and can help the mind release negative thoughts and feelings, even allowing the body to release physical stress. Grab a notebook, set a timer for 10 minutes, and write. Write with a pen to paper, not an electronic device! Once you are done, don’t reread what you wrote. Simply tear out the paper, fold it up, and release it. You can release it by safely burning it, throwing it out to sea, flushing it down the toilet! Just don’t read it, let it go! Look for groups or counseling services that guide purge emotional writing.

Healing is a process. It won’t happen overnight, but gradually you can change your state of mind by healing your soul. Though you grieve the physical loss of your mother, you can celebrate her by becoming a whole and healed woman. Not until a woman loses her mother is she perhaps fully born into her own identity.