Loss is loss.

It was a relatively warm and sunny day, the kind of weather you hope for when planning a trip to the beach. Well on this particular day, the sun and clouds no longer mattered because the news I just received shattered me. The weather no longer mattered, in that moment the job I had no longer mattered, the people around me, that I had a hole in my shoe, that I was so overly exhausted from working so hard that I could barely see straight. As I stood there in shock and disbelief, a massive wave of all kinds of emotions washed over me, naturally I wanted to drop to my knees onto the ground and pound it with my fists in massive agony. But, the professional side of me knew I couldn't allow for myself to do that, cause who knows, I probably would've gotten fired. Absolutely nothing matters in the world when you learn of a loved one that has just passed.

So I picked myself up as much as I could and immediately left work. The unfortunate park of working retail is that you only get 1 day or 2 of bereavement. In my case it was only 1 day. I spent the next while doing as much as I could to keep myself occupied. Those of you who have had the unpleasantness with meeting grief, you know that it is a tumultuous ride.

It is constant heartbreak, immense sadness and there is no finish line. There couldn't be, because to me, if I even think to consider to adopt the idea of "finishing grief", to me that says I am closing the book and never thinking about them ever. That is definitely not something I could ever do.

I spent the last 4 years struggling through the process, each year has become much more difficult as opposed to being a little lighter in subject matter. In some cases this happens and it feels like there is no way out. Every single day I miss my loved one more and more. I question everyday about how different things could've been, would've been, should've been if they were still in my presence.

I struggle most days to feel completely happy doing certain activities that involved my loved one, especially the kind we would do together. Naturally shoot the shit together and be our true and authentic selves. But I remember that anything and everything that I do, I do it in memory of them, in honor of them, in spirit for them. They are there with me and all I can say is that as long as I can keep that going, it will simply have to suffice cause that is all that I have.

Grief is awful in all of it's form no matter how you say it, no matter how you may rearrange it in a sentence, it will always be awful. Dark skies and ominous grey clouds consume my mind a lot about your lack of presence here with me and around me. It's not fair - however it wouldn't have been fair for you to continue to suffer so in that I feel a small sense of relief that you are doing better where you are.

My hope is to remove the darkness that clouds my mind so I can let the beautiful sunshine in and learn to grieve you within a brighter mindset. I promise to try to do that for you - you never liked to see me cry. You were never sure how to approach it but you did not like to see me mad or sad or any kind of negative mood.

You did you best with what you knew and what you were dealt with at the time - it doesn't matter anymore - it never did really, I just chose to allow it matter when what was more important was to strengthen my relationship with you - I hope to still be able to do that.

I love you Dad. I hope you have gorgeous blue skies on your end.

I love you.