LOSS CAN NEVER BE MEASURED

20 years ago today, I lost the most important person in my life. The person who carried me for 9 months, the person who brought me into this world, the person who gave me life.

No matter how many years have passed, the pain is still the same, it never goes away. People always tell you, it will get easier, the pain will lessen. For some it just... doesn't. For me, it hasn't and honestly I don't know if it ever will. I didn't have my mom around growing up. She didn't raise me, but that doesn't make her any less of a Mom. I yearned for her, I wanted her love, I wanted her attention, I just... wanted her present.

I woke up today, even though I didn't want to. I wanted to fast forward so that I didn't have to endure the pain, but that's not life. You take every day as it comes no matter how hard it is. I wish it was easier, I wish I can just "move on" "let go," but not everyone is the same. Not everyone can just do those things, not everyone is built the same. You can't measure someone elses pain based on your feelings, what you believe, your perception. We are not all built to think one way, feel one way, believe one way. We have our own minds, our own emotions, our own way of doing things.

So how do you measure loss? YOU CAN'T.

Loss is not black and white, there is no grey area. It's easier for some to just move on, especially if those people weren't around. For me, even though she wasn't physically with me, I wanted her, no I needed her. I grew up wishing everyday I could see her and be with her. I wanted my Mom, needed my Mom. So regardless if she was physically with me, I needed her. So for somene to say, she wasn't around so why do you care? why do you miss someone who wasn't there for you? I've heard that so much growing up and even after she died. Honestly, who are you to ask those questions? Must be nice to have a Mom and Dad. We all grieve in different ways, we all move on in different ways, so NO ONE is allowed to judge and NO ONE has the right to decide when it's right for you to let go, that decision is YOURS! So cry everyday, be angry, be sad, be lonely, be empty, it's OKAY! I've been empty for 20 years and it hasn't gotten easier.

Before last year, I never went to Vegas for Thanksgiving, for obvious reasons. However, last year was the first year I went back. It was honestly a struggle and super painful. I wrote something down that day and just wanted to share...

"The last time I flew, was the last day you took your last breath. The last time I flew, was the last day your eyes saw any light. The last time I flew, was the last day your voice was heard by anyone. The last time I flew, was the last day your body had life. Today I am headed back to the city where it was the last for both of us. As much as I try and hide my sadness from everyone, I am struggling to be back in the city, on the same day you took your last everything. Mom, I miss you more than words can ever express. You taught me what it meant to be a fighter, you fought everyday, even until the end. I know how hard you fought to stay alive, to see all your kids together, but god had other plans. I just wish he could have given us one more day... Today I am broken more than I would like to admit, but I know you are always by my side, especially today."

Up until last year, I haven't been on a plane. For 19 years, I refused. I honestly still refuse to fly, but that is because I am terrified of flying. The last time I flew, my life fell apart and I am still trying to find the pieces to put it back together. I don't know how to move on from this, I don't know how to let go. Everyone else I've lost, definitely wasn't easy, but the pain did lessen with time. The loss of a mother, is not the same thing. The pain can't be measured and the pain never disappears. It's a everlasting loss and an emptiness that struggles to find it's place.

The next time someone looses someone, just remember it's not your place to tell them to move on. It's not your place to tell them it will get easier because you do not know if it will. It may have for you, but that is not true for everyone. So be kind, be understanding, because wouldn't you want someone to be that for you? Just be there, be present. Someday it will happen to you and you will want the same thing...