Looking Back, Going Sideways

James sits down and takes a deep breathe. He is not sure what he is feeling right now, just that he knows he has had enough. Another interview for a job that didn't go well. He's struggling, he's really struggling. Looking back at his life and the choices he has made, never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that one day, he would feel so helpless. So conflicted, as he does now.

James didn't have a perfect life. He grew up in a family of four on an island in Nova Scotia called Cape Breton. He is the younger of two brothers. His parents were both in business, running a restaurant they owned. They were not very wealthy. In fact, their restaurant would often go through periods of loss during the off-season, and his parents would struggle to keep the employees on their payroll. James did not have a happy life at home, but he does have fond memories from his childhood and teenage years.

Now at 25, he looks back on those days and mostly remembers the happy times with his cousins and few friends, but in particular with his brother. Being just two and a half years apart in age, James and Mason were close. Almost like best friends. They were there for each other during troubles at home, when their parents would be struggling with alcoholism and constantly fighting. They bore witness to all that and grew up under the same roof. The brothers had to have each other’s back.

Their relationship, however, took a hit and was never quite the same when Mason having finished his education, had to move away towards West to pursue work and a career. James was left really distraught after this, feeling almost betrayed that his brother had decided to leave without him. Leaving him at home, with his unhappy parents. Things just weren't the same ever since.

Mason was good at school, and always had ambition and plans for his life. James on the other hand, was focused on his social circle and friends, rather than his education. His parents always pressured him to do better, especially comparing him to Mason and demanding that he attempt to emulate his older brother a bit.

But James was not interested in this, he wanted to live his life and focus on the experiences. His friends and the activities at that age really shaped him, as he was affected in a different way than his brother in regard to their home life. Where Mason focused on improving himself in order to perhaps leave home one day, James was more interested in the forms of escape possible in the more immediate environment.

Having wasted a lot of time at school and dropping out of college, James was almost looking back at his brother with envy.

“How was Mase able to be so strong? How did he decide his future?” Truth is, Mason could never predict his future, he simply did his best to prepare for it.

James was angry now, his temperament got worse and worse through college. He almost got expelled for getting in a fight and was arrested once for public intoxication. This criminal record definitely has not helped him get a job. Today was his 3rd interview this week, 10th in the whole month. The companies have all denied him as being an “unsuitable candidate”. James is really struggling to come to terms with all this, even wishing he had done things differently in his life. He always owned the philosophy to “live for today, worry not for tomorrow”. Well today, James has no idea how he’s going to pay rent tomorrow.

His relationship with his parents gradually worsened over time. Being unable to handle their constant outbursts at home, he began getting involved and saying some nasty things to both of them, which made things rather worse.

“If only they could see things from my point of view”, thought James.

He had been out of touch with his brother for the longest time, having barely spoken since Mason moved away. James kept telling himself he was abandoned. Does he have anyone else? He cannot turn to his friends Mark and Brad anymore, since they have already been helping him get back on his feet and with the job hunt the past few months.

He’s really backed himself into a corner here. Thoughts are racing through his mind as he is sitting on the couch of his living room, in his apartment in downtown Sydney.

“What should I do? I have no idea what to do.” James gasped, as he continued to sip on his beer.

“That’s it, I’m gonna be homeless.”

“My life is done, I am finished.”

James struggles to hold back tears, hands over his face, as he gets a call on his phone.

James reads “Mom” on the screen.

“Hello?”

“Son, how are you?”

“I’m fine mom, what is it?”

“James, h-honey? This is gonna be difficult for you to hear.. yo-your brother passed away.”

James is shocked.

“What?! What do you me-what happened?”

“He got in a car accident, this evening.”

“Oh my God. Please, no!”

I’m sorry honey, I know he meant a lot to you.”

They both break down in tears.

“How could this happen?! I don’t understand.”

“Now there’s something else I have to tell you. Mason, he left some money in his savings. They said it's about $20,000. He left it to you.”

“To me?” James responds, in disbelief.

“Yes. He nominated you as his beneficiary, in case something ever happened.”

James is speechless, he can't find words to say.

“Hello? James, are you there?”

“I-I’ll call you back.”

Struggling to come to terms with the news he just received, James was not surprised his brother had a bit of money saved up, but to leave it to him? All this time, had he misunderstood Mason?

Trying to process it all, James leaves his couch and goes to his room. He takes out a box that he had stored, collecting dust under his bed for as long as he can remember.

He opens it, and finds some belongings. Sweaters, toys, books and even old pictures, of him and Mason from when they were kids. Things Mason had left behind before moving away. Tears were rolling down his face. His brother was no more.

Shuffling past the pictures, he finds this rather small, black notebook. It was Mason's diary. He must have left it at home with his things, that James had later gone through and picked up. He was surprised to see it was still there in the box.

When they were younger, Mason would write stuff on his diary from time-to-time, recalls James. But he also thought it was a bit silly. He opens it up, and starts reading. Taking a peek through his brother’s eyes, to their life back then.

Going through the pages, James struggled to hold back the tears. He knew how annoyed and disturbed Mason was by their parents’ dysfunctional and unhappy marriage, but he never really knew the depth of his brother’s frustrations and pain. The words proved how honest Mason was about his feelings, how much he despised living there and wanted to move away. Only fond memories he seemed to have, were the times and moments he had spent with his little brother. And best friend.

Suddenly, James no longer felt betrayed. Seeing in writing, how much his older brother appreciated and loved him, how he planned on having a better life, not just for himself but for both of them.

How he promised himself, “to get little Jimmy out of this shithole. He's my brother and he deserves a better life.”

James was in pieces. He felt ashamed for misjudging his brother. Mason never abandoned James. Maybe he did not know how to show it, but he always had him in mind. Wanted a better life for the both of them. It was all there, written down on those pages.

James realizing all this time that he had been living a lie, a lie that he created in his own mind. How he had victimized himself and alienated himself from his own brother.

James felt a wave of raw emotion pass through him, feelings unlike any he had before. This was it, he’s had enough. Suddenly he felt a rush of calm wash him clean. It was as if he finally saw clearly, for the first time in his life.

James knew what he had to do. He had to turn his life around. Not just for himself, but for Mason. He lifted the black notebook, and held it close to his chest, as if it were an embrace with the body of his brother.

“Mase, you’ve given me the strength and courage that I needed. I’ve always seen it in you, and longed for in myself but never had it. You made a promise to yourself for me, now I make a promise, to you brother. I will fix this. Make something of my life. Have a future, and a family. A family that we never had. This is my word to you. You will look down at me from the heavens and see the same light in me, that you found and managed to carry in yourself. I promise you this. Until we meet again.”

James leaves the notebook on his table, takes a deep breathe and looks out through his window. He stood there in that moment with renewed optimism, a heavy heart and but a will to move forward.