Little Black Book

Lillian woke up at 6:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. Her body ached and her mind felt cloudy. She couldn't determine if it was daytime or night time. She decided that she just couldn't lie in the bed any longer and would get up and make coffee. Maybe the sun would rise and if not, it didn't matter anyway. She had no where to go and no one to see. She would either sit up for awhile or go back to bed.

The coffee pot filled with water was heavy in her hand. Using both hands she shakily poured the water into the coffee maker and felt pleased it didn't spill all over the counter. Simple things were so much harder these days. The arthritis in her hands had turned them into something she barely recognized as being actual hands and the never ending pain made even simple task difficult. Oh how she loved the smell of fresh coffee. She glanced out of the window and smiled. The sun is indeed rising, she is blessed with another day.

She sat in the reclining chair with her warm black coffee with just one teaspoon of sugar and a hint of milk. Her bible in her lap. She opened it up to read and fellowship with God as she thanked him for another day of life. She was soon to be 80 years old. How fast time flies, she thought.

As the day went on she did what she could to clean the house. She felt so tired these days, it was more of do one thing and sit down to rest. she just didn't have the stamina any longer. As she was cleaning, she opened the drawer in the end table beside of the beige recliner. She couldn't remember why she opened the drawer. She stared inside of it for some time. Trying to recognize anything and what she could have possibly needed in there. She fumbled through all of the junk she had accumulated in that drawer and stumbled across the little black book she had carried in her purse for years. It was as small as the palm of her hand with gold lettering on the front. "Phone and Address Book".

Suddenly, memories started to flood her mind. She had obtained that book back in her 40's as the digital world had began to develop and actual paper phone books were becoming non-existent. She sat in the recliner and began to slowly turn the pages. Seeing names and addresses of people she could not remember. She stared intently at each name.

Brenda, Joyce, Barbara, Kathy, Bill, Billy, London, Elsie, Millie, Daphne, Preacher Don. Nikki, on and on. Page after page with names, numbers and addresses. She tried to recall each of them. Who were these people? Do they still have the same phone number? Do they still live there? May she should try to call or maybe send a letter or card? she thought. "No, no, no. I don't even know who these people are." she said to herself. I wish I could remember. Sadness filled her mind. Her heart felt heavy. "Sigh"......she let out a soft sound and put the little black book on top of the end table beside the recliner. She thought to herself, "Maybe it's time for a nap. No one will be stopping by anyway."

Using her walker, she slowly rolled it along the way as she took slow unstable steps. Her feet and legs hurt and having to use the walker forced her to hump over in order to reach the handles. Her back ached. She made it to the bed. "It feels good to lay down." She softly spoke. She closed her eyes.

Her nap provided a walk down memory lane. All of the names she had seen in the little black book came to life. In her dreams, she saw them all.

She was walking through a small forest making her way to the pond. Oh yes, there is Bill! Bill was 6'2" and had sandy blonde hair and dark brown eye's. "That's my husband!" She exclaimed.

She could move more freely in her dreams. She was younger. She didn't feel any pain in her dreams and her memory there, was perfect. She suddenly had a picnic basket in her hands as she was nearing the pond, where Bill was. He was sitting in a red foldable chair holding a fishing rod. Beside him was a 5 gallon bucket full of water and 3 fish he had caught. He had a 20 oz. bottle of Pepsi in the cup holder and a pack of cigarettes in his front shirt pocket. The sun was shining down on him, even though he was sitting under a shade tree. His sandy blonde hair sparkled as the sun streamed down and his fishing line glistened. He was relaxed and oh, so handsome.

Lillian had a huge smile on her face as she approached him. "Bill!" She yelled out. "Bill, I have some lunch for us." Bill turned and looked at her and smiled. "Hey Kay! Good, I was getting hungry."

It began to rain. She walked faster. The sun faded and because it was so hot outside the pond became covered with fog. The fog rolled in faster and faster and the closer she got to Bill, the fog slowly engulfed him. By the time she got to him. He was gone. No chair, no fishing rod, no fish. No Bill. Gone. She looked around and realized the picnic basket was gone too. She closed her eyes and remembered. Bill had died 30 years ago. He was 52 years old. He had a heart attack. She sat on the ground and began to cry. She missed him greatly.

As she opened her eyes, she was not at the pond anymore. She was back at home. Not the home she currently lived in. But....home. The home she and Bill spent a lifetime together in. It was huge. 15 rooms with an inground swimming pool. She was back in her kitchen. As she mashed the potatoes, she heard someone come into the house. "Mama!" She heard. "Mama, where ya' at?" Called the voice. Into the kitchen walked a 5'6" blonde haired thin woman. In her arms she carried a small red haired little boy. Lillian stood blank for a second. Oh, it's Kathy, she thought. That's my daughter! Lillian smiled and felt so excited to see her. "There's my girl", she exclaimed! How are you?" She asked. "Hey mama" Kathy replied. "I'm good. I'm hungry. What's for dinner?"

Lillian always enjoyed it when company came over. Especially her family. She hadn't seen Kathy 13 years. Lillian hurried over to Kathy and gave her a quick hug as she scooped little Billy out of her arms. "How's my favorite grandson doing today?" She asked. "We've got some cubed steak with gravy, mashed potatoes and fried okra" she told Kathy. "Oh, and I made some biscuits. Want some?" She asked. "Yes please. We're famished." Kathy replied.

Billy was 3 years old. He began to tell her all about the sand pile he had been playing in and about all of his trucks to load the sand.

Lillian happily started to put together the plates of food as she chatted with Kathy about the last 13 years. When she turned with 2 plates full of food in her hands to place them on the table, and then she discovered that Billy was not there. Kathy told her Billy had died last year. He was 42 years old. He had became sick and had a heart attack when they placed him on a ventilator. Lillian couldn't understand this because she was just talking to 3 year old Billy. She turned to sat down one of the plates but wanted to say something else and when she turned back to face Kathy, she only had 1 plate of food in her hand, and Kathy was gone. The house was silent. She was alone. She sat at the table and began to cry. She remembered that Kathy had also died. 13 years ago. She was 48 years old. It was an automobile accident. She longed for her daughter.

She decided that maybe she should just go to bed and rest for a bit. It had been an exhausting day. She easily walked up the stairs to her bedroom and laid down on her side of the bed. Missed Bill and thought of Kathy and Billy. She drifted off.

When she woke up...she laid in the bed a few minutes before fully opening her eyes. She thought to herself, "this bed is not so comfortable anymore", She ached all over and her mind felt cloudy. She opened her eyes. She was so confused. Where am I now? She thought to herself. She looked around the room and it seemed to be more like a hospital. In fact, she discovered another lady laying in a bed on the other side of the room. They each had separate television's and there was only one window. The view was horrible. As she stared out the window, looking past the lady lying in her bed, she saw another brick building. No trees, bushes or flowers. The sun was bright. "What time is it?" She asked the lady. "Oh, Ms. Kay....it's 3:00 p.m. You've been asleep for awhile."

Lillian sat confused. Her hands were crippled and spotty. Her feet and ankles were swollen and she felt as though she may cry. She felt scared and confused even more. "What's your name?" Lillian asked. "I'm Doris, your roommate." replied Doris. "What is this place?" Lillian asked. "This is where we live." Said Doris. "Live?!" Questioned Lillian. "I don't live here!"

Doris and Lillian chatted for a bit, as Doris explained that they had lived together in the same room for 2 years. That they live in an Assisted Living Facility and that because of this horrible virus going around, they had to stay in their room. They slept in there, ate in there and watched T.V. in there, all day....every day. If they did have to leave their room, she reminded Lillian, to wear her mask. Lillian could not understand this virus thing Doris was talking about and why did she have to wear a mask?

Lillian reached over into her nightstand drawer and pulled out her little black book. She fumbled through the pages and finally, she recognized a name. MaLane. She picked up the phone and dialed the number.

As the phone rang a few times then someone picked up. "Hello." "MaLane?" Asked Lillian. "Hey Mom." Came the reply. Lillian asked all of her questions about where she was an why. MaLane explained "Mom, you are there because it is the most safe you can be and I am not able to stop working to take care of you 24 hours a day. I am alone and have no other income to be able to care for us both and I need to know that you are okay." Lillian frowned. She didn't like it there. But, she would never tell that to MaLane. Then suddenly, MaLane said... "Mom, I would like for you to put on your mask and come to the front of the building. I'm here to see you and I have a surprise." Lillian smiled big and said she was on the way.

As Lillian approached the front of the building. She saw nurses dispensing medicine. Elderly men and women sitting away from one another. No real conversation. Most were sleeping in chairs. Mask on. So many masked people. It was scary. She got closer to the front and could see her daughter MaLane. The smile on her face grew bigger and bigger. "Come to the window , Mom" Said MaLane.

It was cold outside. It was winter. There was a covered porch, but because of the virus, MaLane could not go in and Lillian could not go out. Lillian's face lit up and she saw a beautiful little girl. She remembered this was her great-grandaughter, Alliana. She is 5 years old. As they all sat at the window, Lillian touched the window and MaLane put her hand on Lillian's hand through the glass. Lillian asked about Alliana's father, London. She missed him. She had not been able to touch her daughter in a year and she longed to feel her touch.

When the visit was over. Lillian made her way back to her room and once again pulled out her little black book. She told Doris... "In this book is my life. People I once knew but no longer remember."

It started to feel cloudy again... thoughts were becoming mixed up. She decided to take another nap. Maybe tomorrow, she thought. I'll look in my little black book and I'll remember. For now, I'll tuck it safely away in the drawer. Lillian laid down and thought about her dreams, her visit with MaLane and Alliana. She smiled and hoped she would dream again the way she had earlier. For now, I will rest. She closed her eyes and drifted away.