Life Lessons & Mothering

The relationship between mother and daughter is perhaps the most intimate, precious and complicated human relationship in human existence. We would not be here without our mothers. They have given so much to us. Regardless of how good or bad we feel our childhoods were, we owe so much to them.

Mothers know their children on such an intimate level. Each little quirk. Each little nuance. They read our body language and could probably predict most of what we are going to say. Children also have unique insight into their mothers. We know their quirks and personality traits. Sometimes we know their past traumas and we certainly know their flaws.

It's difficult then, and perhaps not even fair, to boil down this complicated dynamic into a only a few simples lines of life advice or few anecdotes designed to demonstrate a mother's love.

That said, my mother had a few gems she taught me throughout my childhood. She taught me to work hard and not to "half-ass" things. She taught me to take action which was imparted by saying many, many times, "Thought sh*t his pants and thought he didn't". She taught me that "almost" doesn't count except in "hand-grenades and horseshoes".

Mostly, though, my mother taught me to be strong. You don't really have a choice but to be strong when your mother's mantra for you is, "I love you, but I don't like you". Honestly, she said this to me often. If I were to guess, I would say that some therapist somewhere suggested she try saying to me, "I love you, but I don't like your behavior right now" and my mom decided it was a good idea to paraphrase. (It wasn't).

Over time though her favorite mantra for me did, in fact, teach me how to be strong. It taught me to rely on myself. It taught me to trust myself. It taught me that people I love, might not like me and that was okay.

In her own way my mother also modeled being strong for me. Throughout my childhood, I watched her overcome so many obstacles. She was a successful single parent. She had close friends and she was kind to them. She found love and when she felt it was needed, she was strong enough to walk away. She took care of my younger sister with a fierce protectiveness of a true Mama Bear. Sometimes she seemed unstoppable.

All that said, the most important thing I've learned about life I learned from becoming a mother myself.

They just hand you a baby. A baby. A real, live, living, breathing, innocent being that is one-hundred-percent dependent on you - its mother. There is no test you have pass to take this baby home, there is no nurse who will come over and make sure you are doing it right, there is no manual that has all the rules and all the exceptions to those rules covered in their entirety.

Mothering is magical. It's a blessing, but it’s also exhausting. You're "all in" once you’re a mom. No matter how you became a mom. No matter what is going on with your physical health, or your mental health, or your life circumstances when that baby comes along - you're its Mom. You're committed. For life. Through good and bad. No matter what.

So I guess, I've learned that being a mom is hard. Really, really hard work. It comes with great blessings and immense joys, but those are tempered with uncertainty, frustration, worry, and sometimes a deep, aching sadness.

Every decision you make for your child could have endless ramifications. Every word you say to them, each tone you take, could impact them in ways you cannot even imagine.

Yet we love our children. We are all trying to raise them up to have lives that are even better than ours. We don't want them to make the same mistakes that we did. We want to impart our wisdom, so they can avoid the growing pains that we experienced.

Looking back with this perspective, with the eyes of a mother, I know my mom did the best she could. I know my mom gave me everything she was able to give me. I know she wants the best for me, and I know that she loves me.