Letting Go

Zoe sighed and closed her notebook. She hadn’t been able to find any inspiration today. Exhaling deeply, she brushed a hand over its glossy black cover as she reminisced about happier times.

Zoe’s father had given the notebook to her as an early birthday present. It was the last thing he gave her before… Don’t think about that now, Zoe told herself. You have work to do.

She looked around her sad little apartment and sighed again. She wasn’t going to find any inspiration here. She needed to go somewhere where she could think. Zoe smiled as she thought of just the place. She grabbed her coat from its hook and was just about to leave when she heard a quiet knock. Zoe opened the door and was surprised to see her stepsister Alisha.

“Zoe,” Alisha said. She seemed nervous about something and her face was very pale.

Zoe didn’t know Alisha’s reason for being there, nor did she care. Zoe had cut off all ties from her “family” when she moved to New York.

“What are you doing here? How did you find me?” Zoe demanded.

“How I found you doesn’t matter,” Alisha said hurriedly. “Suffice it to say, I’m quite adept at tracking people down. As to what I’m doing here…” Alisha took a deep breath.

“There’s no easy way to say this Zoe, so I’ll just say it outright. Your mother is dead.”

Zoe swallowed hard. Alisha continued talking as if Zoe’s whole world hadn’t collapsed around her. She caught the word ‘cancer’ but everything else was distorted and foggy. The room seemed to spin in circles as she felt gravity work against her, pulling her down. The last thing Zoe heard before succumbing to the darkness was someone calling her name as she hit the floor with a thud.

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Zoe was dreaming about her father. He was exactly the same as she remembered him. Full of life and joy.

“What’s your next story going to be about Zee-Zee?”

Zoe smiled, remembering her father’s nickname for her. According to her mother, the first time she had tried saying her name it came out as “Zee-Zee.” Her father christened her with the nickname and called her by it ever since, no matter how much it irritated her.

“I don’t know yet,” Zoe said. “I’ve yet to find any real inspiration.”

“Inspiration for what?” her mother asked, standing in the doorway.

“My latest work.” Zoe said. “I’ve yet to come up with an idea.”

“I’m sure you'll think of something,” her mother said. She smiled and turned to Zoe’s father.

“Are you going to head out soon?”

“Yeah. I just need to get…” He rummaged around in his pockets for a bit before seeming to realize something.

“Shoot, I forgot to get cash. Do you have any?”

“Let me see,” her mother said and dug through her wallet. She sighed. “No, I don’t think so. I’m sorry.”

Zoe saw herself reach into her own pocket and pull out two 20 dollar bills. “Is this enough, Dad?” she asked, handing them over.

All of a sudden, Zoe’s heart stopped as she realized what was happening. This wasn’t a dream. It was a nightmare. She wanted to tell herself to stop, tell her dad to just stay home, but she was powerless. The events played out exactly as they had on that fateful night.

“This is perfect, Zee-Zee, thanks.” her father said, ruffling her hair.

“Where are you going?” Zoe asked.

“There’s just something that I have to get downtown.”

“Downtown?” Zoe asked, worriedly. “But it’s dangerous there, Dad. People get mugged all the time.”

“I’ll be fine Zee-Zee,” her father said reassuringly. “Just go to bed and before you know it, it’ll be morning. I’ll be right here and you’ll be 15 years old.”

Zoe relaxed a little but was still worried. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“Of course” Her father smiled at her. “I wouldn’t miss your birthday for the world.”

Zoe smiled and hugged him, unaware of the horrible events that were about to happen. She watched her father walk out the door and said goodnight to her mother.

The next morning, Zoe expected to see her father making a special birthday breakfast as she hurried downstairs. She called out for him as she rounded the corner to the kitchen but he wasn’t there. Instead, she was met with the sight of her mother in tears. Her father had been murdered last night, her mother told her. The police believed he had been mugged since he was found with no wallet. Zoe did not celebrate her birthday that day.

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When Zoe woke up, Alisha relayed to her how her mother had gotten sick. At first, it was nothing serious so Clyde, Zoe’s stepfather, reasoned that Zoe didn’t need to be bothered, especially with Zoe’s discontent towards the family. However, her mother had steadily gotten worse, and they soon discovered that she had Stage 4 Lung Cancer. At that point, Clyde and Alisha had wanted to promptly inform Zoe, but didn’t have her contact information since Zoe had cut herself off from the family. They also both had to stay with Zoe’s mother, who didn’t want to be transferred to the hospital, knowing she was going to die soon anyway.

Zoe understood why they hadn't told her right away, but it didn’t stop the pangs of guilt from rising in her stomach at the thought that she had left her mother alone to suffer.

The funeral was short and sweet. Clyde offered Zoe a chance to say something but Zoe couldn’t think of anything. What could she say? She had abandoned her mother and only returned after she was dead. What kind of daughter did that? After the funeral was over, Alisha went back to work and Clyde took Zoe back to the house he had shared with her mother. The house she thought she had left behind years ago.

They both sat at the dining table as he poured her a glass of wine and explained that her mother had left her $20,000 in her will. He handed Zoe a check. It was written in Clyde’s handwriting. Her mother had been too weak to fill it out, she realized, and felt another small prick of guilt at the thought.

“I’m sorry,” Clyde said softly.

Zoe looked over at him and could see small water droplets forming in his eyes. In all her self-loathing, she had forgotten that Clyde had loved her mother as well.

“Me too.” Zoe finished her glass and stood up. She put the check in her pocket and prepared to leave, but Clyde called out to her.

“You don’t have to go right now. If you want, I can make up your old room for you.”

“No, it’s fine.” Zoe waved her hand dismissively. “I need some time alone.”

Clyde seemed upset but accepted Zoe’s decision nonetheless.

“All right, then. Goodbye Zoe.”

“Goodbye Clyde,” Zoe said, closing the door behind her.

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It was raining outside, reflecting Zoe’s mood perfectly. She began walking aimlessly, and unexpectedly found herself back at the cemetery where her father, and now her mother lay together. She stopped at their joint grave and sank to her knees.

“Hi Mom. Hi Dad. How are you doing?” Zoe shivered and laid her head on her father’s headstone.

“I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you’re even actually here but I just want you to know…”

Zoe paused as she choked back a sob. Raindrops were falling down her face, mixing perfectly with her tears.

“I’m sorry. I am so so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am.” She continued speaking in between sobs.

“I should have been there for you, Mom. I should have forgiven you. It was petty of me to stay angry for so long. I know you didn’t mean to replace Dad with Clyde. I know that you still loved Dad. And now I know how much Clyde loved you too.”

Zoe choked back another sob.

“I just hope you can forgive me, please,” she whispered.

Zoe must have sat there for hours, her head against her father’s tombstone, as the rain drizzled on her. Eventually, it stopped, and she looked up, wiping the tears from her face. It was late now. Really late. Zoe stood up and began walking toward the cemetery gates. She would go back to Clyde’s house and stay the night. Hopefully, he would still be willing to let her stay in her old room. Then she would go back home the next morning. Zoe went out the gates and prepared to cross the street. She didn’t see the car until it was too late.

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White. That was all Zoe could see. Everything around her was pure white. She stood up, disoriented, and looked around.

“Hello?” her voice echoed. “Is anyone here?” There was no answer. Zoe began panicking. Where was she? Was she dead? Was she in limbo? Was she going to be alone for eternity? Was she-

“Zee-Zee?” Zoe swallowed and turned around.

“Dad?” she said softly.

There he was, looking exactly as he had the day he died. A smile on his face, and next to him...

“Mom!” Zoe exclaimed and rushed over to them. They both embraced her tightly and she hugged back, not wanting to let go.

“I don’t understand,” she said. “What happened? Am I dead too?”

“No.” Her mother shook her head. “Not yet.”

“What do you mean not yet? What happened?”

“You don’t remember?” her father asked.

“No! I-I…” Suddenly it all came back to Zoe. The screeching brakes. The flashing headlights. The loud, blaring call of a car horn.

“I was hit by a car, wasn’t I?”

Her father nodded gravely.

“But I’m not dead yet?”

“No.” Her mother rested her hand on Zoe’s shoulder. “Right now, you’re between life and death and it’s your choice whether or not you want to fight to get better”

“What if I don’t want to get better?” Zoe asked. "What if I just want to stay here with you?”

“Zoe.” Her father spoke to her gently. “You still have so much more of your life left to live. It’s not your time yet.”

“You need to let us go,” her mother said. “You need to let us go and move on.”

“But I can't,” Zoe said. “I can’t move on after what I did to you. I hated you for so long and I just… How could you ever forgive me after that?”

Tears started spilling down Zoe’s cheeks again.

Her mother smiled and wiped Zoe’s tears with her thumb.

“Like this,” she said softly. “I forgive you.”

That was all Zoe needed to hear. She melted in her mother’s arms and sobbed into her chest. Her father encircled them both in his arms as they all cried together.

“Goodbye,” Zoe whispered.

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Zoe winced as she poked the bandages on her stomach. Clyde had been kind enough to let her stay in her old room, while she was recovering.

The driver who hit her had found the check in her pocket after calling an ambulance. This led them to call Clyde, who had rushed to the hospital as soon as possible.

Zoe smiled as she realized how much of a father Clyde had been to her over the years. Even though she had made it quite clear that she detested him, he still loved her as if she were his own.

Zoe grinned and took out her notebook. She finally found the inspiration she was looking for.

This is a story about a girl consumed by hatred and guilt, she wrote.

This is a story about letting go.