Last Breath

I'm sitting here watching your chest rise and fall. Each breath is shallow and laboured. I'm not sure how I feel about you going. Dementia is cruel, everybody tells you that but I'm not sure you deserved the get out clause fate dealt you.

I said my goodbyes years ago. It became obvious you had stopped recognising me and your husband didnt want me around. The trips out weren't feasible anymore as they distressed you more and more. Sitting making small talk with the person who had controlled me as a child and much of my adulthood was too painful. I'm still living in a mind prison even now and the only way I can come close to describing how it feels , is like coming out of a cult. The initial relief soon washed away when reality hits.....what is reality? Who am I? Why do I still feel trapped and yet lost at the same time?

When I watch your face I feel pain ...it's all I've ever felt really. Pain because you are at peace and soon will be out of this world and yet I am still living a waking nightmare. I am judged and discarded by family...I must be a bad person. Yet no-one knows who I am! I am probably the family dark secret... the person no-one talks about and the one they shake their heads about. Why? Because they have believed the stories that were told about me when I broke "free" from the "cult family". I was mad, selfish and unstable no doubt.

I'm still watching you in disbelief that for your own selfish reasons you didn't protect me or love me enough. My brother died thinking you didn't care and lived all his life in absolute hell. My sister was victimised all her life and recieved no understanding or support.

And my dad .....my dad died suffering physically and mentally. You could have prevented his death. You could have protected him, made sure he was safe but all you could do was think of yourself. Shame on you.

I'm leaving now .....I don't need to stay for your final moments. I don't want to watch your suffering end. It's not fair on your daughters, son and ex husband. I'm just not that nice.

It seems so easy to say things when you're miles away. As I stare out of the window I can form the words in my head without too much trouble. My kids have grown up now and although they spent the early years living with you they don't miss you or talk about you. It could be that you didn't spend time with them or bond with them. Much like me.

I don't need to say anything to you....you wouldn't understand anyway and I know that even without the dementia you would have looked pained , hurt and told me I was too touchy or sensitive. So I write it down and continue loving my kids. I tell them everyday I love them. I am always on call to hear their worries, give them a hug or tell them they're special.

That is my legacy. This will end the painful cycle of a toxic family.

My children will know love. Will never need to chase it in someone other than themselves and will feel peace knowing that their mum loved them unconditionally.

I wish I could do more. So many children suffer not from strangers but from the people who should be protecting them, loving them and keeping them safe.