Lacy

Lacy

I’m content with my life. There is enough discomfort to be confident with reality and enough ‘good’ moments to wake up the next day. The first time I saw my daughter, I felt real joy. I heard about that before; some grandiose feeling parents get when they see their child for the first time. Well, I felt it but, within minutes I imagined all the ways she could get lost in some emptiness of a life. How could I possibly ensure that joy would never leave her? She’s the reason a nun in Elifan Island brought us both back to life.

My daughter’s life began to fade at 17 years old. I call her my Sunflower and she will always be the sun that keeps me rising. She used to come home with medals and certificates until she began shivering in my arms countless times and promising me that she won’t do it again; that it will be the last time. In those moments I really missed her mother, what would she do? I miss that woman more than anything.

I fell in love with her mother the moment I saw her. She had a smile that knew life and eyes that understood silence. She laughed like she had to refrain herself and touched like she wanted more. She didn’t like to talk about her past and didn’t explain her scars. She had a charm to her that was easily misunderstood. Her idea of a great night was taking long walks at midnight and watching an episode of Golden Girls. She didn’t like to be touched unless she initiated it and she spoke in a whisper as soon as the sun went down. She enjoyed drinking a neat glass of whiskey and listening to folk music while writing in her small black notebook on Sunday nights. She asked me not to read her notebook, so I never did.

I loved that woman, I still do. Her last breathe welcomed my Sunflower to this earth. Sometimes I wonder who I would be if her mother was here to raise her and who she would be if her mind held memories of her. The first time she cried in my arms with cold sweats was about a year after she fell off the balance beam. I saw her mother’s eyes that day in the hospital. The doctor explained the chances of her performing again which needless to say, were discouraging. When she could no longer get her prescriptions refilled, she began staying at her friend’s house more often. I didn’t suspect anything until her friend’s parents asked me how she was doing since they had not seen her since her fall. So, I followed her one day as she left the house because she wouldn’t tell me the truth. I discovered that she was staying with some guys who supplied her with her pain relief. After demanding that I see my daughter, they lead me to her partially unconscious body near other bodies who had given up on existence. She was in and out of recovery centers for months after that day. It seemed almost impossible to get her out of this life of emptiness.

One day as I was cleaning out the attic, I found her mother’s notebook. So, I decided to give it to her, hoping that it could somehow guide her out of that life. A month ago, I began to see my Sunflower come back to life as she became more engrossed in that notebook. After two weeks of reading her mother’s secrets, she asked me to take her to the largest convent in Elifan Island. As we were flying to the Island, she looked at me and said, ‘Mom wrote that her history is written in the walls of the largest convent in Elifan Island; maybe I can get to know her there’. When we arrived at the convent, a kind eyed elderly woman: the superior Nun, seemed to recognize my daughter right away. She embraced my daughter like she already knew her. She led us to a table at the back of the convent and told us that she was expecting us one day. She asked us where my daughter’s mother was, but before we answered, her eyes began swelling with tears. She held my daughter’s hands and squeezed them as she began to recall how she knew my daughter’s mother. She said to my daughter, ‘I love your mother very much, as if I birthed her. You have Lacy’s eyes and smile’. We learned that Lacy used to be a gymnast just like my daughter. She fell while performing at a championship and became a slave to heroin for 2 years. After failed attempts of freedom, Lacy went to the convent to find her soul. She stayed there for five years until she became confident enough to go back into the world. As a young girl, Lacy was raised by her grandfather in a cabin in Kentucky. She left the remainder of her inheritance behind at the convent and asked the Nun to hold it for her until she returned one day with a family. After stories of the life Lacy lived, the Nun went into the convent and brought back an old box with Lacy’s name on it. Before our departure, the Nun asked my Sunflower to only open it once she was confident in her sobriety. Three years after meeting the Nun, my daughter felt like she was ready so, we placed the box on the kitchen table and took a deep breathe. She opened the box and to our surprise, it held cedar chips, a harmonica and 20 grand. After settling in with the discovery, my daughter decided on what she would do with the inheritance. In honor of her mother, my Sunflower now runs a program with the convent to help young girls that find their way into darkness, and writes in her own small black notebook every Sunday night after playing the harmonica.

I love you Lacy.