Kind Words For Kind Deeds.

Last year my elderly father suffered a devastating health crisis that rendered him unable to care for himself. He can walk a little around the house, use the toilet, bathe himself with some help, and eat independently, but beyond that, he cannot provide his own sustenance. I traveled there to help as much as I could, a story that I already told in my piece Happiness Is My New Year’s Resolution. I spent months there, helping as much as possible so my mother could leave the house and wouldn’t lose her job. But a thought hunted me relentlessly: what will happen to my mother once I have to go back to work and my own life? How will she handle this hardship on her own? She didfn’t have the resources nay the intention to put my father in a nursing home. How, then, would she manage?

Enter The Cousin. Our family has the staple of Hispanic families of being overly close. Yet, in times like this, you do not need all of the family to come and take over. You need one or two people you can count on, not because they feel obligated, but because they feel compelled. Though the whole family has been great, helpful, and resourceful, The Cousin has proved to be a star. This wonderful woman checks in every day to make sure dad is doing well and mom has enough help. She channels her compulsion to clean into my mother’s house, moves furniture, and hoses down the floors until everything is squeaky clean. I can feel some of my readers cringe at the thought of someone being so invasive, but my mother loves it: she was never much of a housekeeper. My grandmother had insisted that she remained focused on her studies and, later on, a professional career. On a scale from one to ten, my mother’s housekeeping is a solid 5: crafty enough to cook some edible food, clean enough o not attract wild animals inside. But The Cousin keeps her living in a shiny palace. She cleaned the fridge, disposing of several frozen bags of indiscernible content, and that ketchup bottle expired in 2010. A week later, I received stunning pictures of a white, shiny laundry tub mom and I could have sworn it was grey colored.

The help is not limited to the house. Now that The Cousin is a staple of daily life, Dad gets to eat cake once a week from that fancy bakery that my mother never has time to stop by, busy as she still is with her job. Need an errand ran? Consider it done. Don’t know where to get a particular type of upholstery cleaner? No worries: The Cousin knows where to find anything. Once a week, the cousins sit on the terrace, six-feet apart, and enjoy a glass of wine, just keeping company.

And what does The Cousin get for her enormous physical efforts? She gets to feel needed and appreciated. She gets guidance when her notorious hot head makes her mouth run too fast for her own good. She gets advice on peacefully resolving conflict with her husband and her children. My mother’s primary skill is equanimity. And though she never offers counsel to anyone, she gladly and calmly shares her opinion when asked. One gets the help that she needs; the other gets to feel useful and loved. One teaches kind words, and the other offers kind deeds. Two kind people have found each other, and now together, they thrive. May they have many years of enjoying each other’s company and of holding hands in divine sisterhood.

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